Survivor: TV Guide Hits the High Points

The most recent issue of TV Guide (April 28, 2001) has a few amusing Survivor articles that aren’t available online. First, they discuss some of the key moments of this season; next is an article about Jerri Manthey; finally, a satirical farewell memo from Mark Burnett.

Some of the high points from their article on key elements include island strategies. Elisabeth’s was called the “Koala technique: cute face, sharp claws.” Amber’s was “Ask Jerri.” Tina’s: “Act wise, then euthanize.”

The crucial moments are more serious, and include Kimmi’s big-mouth statement to Ogakor that Jeff had a vote against him and Michael burning his hands just as Kucha was getting ready to completely dominate Ogakor.

Some of their “smartest moves” are serious, some humorous. Debb’s smartest move was “not unpacking.” But Elisabeth’s was being able to charm Ogakor into booting Jerri.

Turning points for each include “Getting off the plane” for Debb (they had a lot of fun with her being booted so early), and “Jerri’s heave-ho” for Amber. Kimmi’s was “Running a-fowl of Alicia” with the whole chicken fight.

Perhaps the best part of the article is their list of best lines. Colby’s refers to some of the things Jerri had been saying and is, of course: “I may be a lot of things, but I ain’t no Hershey bar.” Keith, also referring to Jerri, said, “I didn’t come her to be pushed around by a bartender/wannabe actress.”

Speaking of Jerri, TV Guide’s article about her is called, “Season of the Witch.” The article talks about how Jerri wanted to defend herself, but couldn’t until the episode of her booting was finally aired. She says she had been following what people said on the Web and had been taking notes (Hi, Jerri!). But then, according to the article, instead of confrontation, she charmed the people who were expected to tear her apart. Of course, when they say “all” of the people, they really mean the few who interviewed her on TV, like Bryant Gumbel and Rosie O’Donnell. Charming them is not quite the same as convincing the rest of the viewers.

And even Jerri agrees that she could “have been more adaptable to other people’s personalities.” Uh huh. That’s one way of saying it. The other is that maybe you shouldn’t have been such a bitch.

She does make one valid point here – that they should have held on to her and brought her to the final two so they could have an easy win. Yes, that might have been the most strategic thing to do. So, Jerri, does it maybe say something to you that they realized this would be true, but they still booted you? They hated you so much that they were willing to risk a million dollars in order to have some peace and quiet.

Even without the million bucks, she hopes to turn her stint on Survivor into a boost for her acting career. She might even pose nude for Playboy, though I can think of at least two other women from the show who’d most male fans would rather see there. But most of all, she says she always found it more interesting to play villains.

Good, ‘cus I don’t see a big chance of you being called for Touched By an Angel any time soon.

Moving into the final article, there are still more Jerri jokes. Written by Modern Humorist, it is supposed to be a memo from Executive Producer Mark Burnett to the cast(aways) of this season. It begins by saying, “I’ll bet none of you ever imagined that you would one day find yourself in the croc-infested Australian outback trying to protect yourself from a savage, cold-blooded reptile. But enough about Jerri.” (Insert rim-shot here.)

The memo gives kudos to Kel for exposing problems in their pre-show inspection process and pokes fun at Nick and Amber for flying low under the radar. It also points to the many instances of advertiser placement, and wonders why Jerri couldn’t have fantasized about Doritos and Mountain Dew instead of chocolate. Other moments relived there are Maralyn popping out her false teeth and Rodger jumping off the cliff.

Of course, due to the lag time in putting out a magazine, these were all put together several weeks ago and none include anything that has happened recently. I’m sure TV Guide will update us on everything a few weeks after the finale, though. After all, how can you really have a full list of the greatest contests or turning points when next week’s immunity challenge will almost certainly decide who wins? And I’m sure Jerri will have something quotable to say as she casts her final vote on who should take home the million dollars.

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