The Unbelievable Bloombergini Strikes Again!by David Bloomberg -- 07/10/2002
I am the Unbelievable Bloombergini, and I am unsurpassed in my abilities to predict the future! Those who have previously doubted me now must bow before me in awe. Those who were skeptical have now been converted! Those who spoke against me now cower in fear!
In case you have not previously met the Unbelievable Bloombergini before, allow me to introduce myself. I used to be a mere mortal, until one day, out of the blue, I received a vision of a man eating Doritos while driving a Pontiac Aztek he’d bought using a Visa card. I instantly realized that this was an entry into a whole new world of psychic abilities, which I have used for the betterment of mankind. (OK, that whole Doritos/Aztek/Visa story is baloney, but I figured if product placement works well for Survivor, maybe I could get a chunk of the action.)
After growing tired of the usual uses of vast powers like this, I decided to help people via therapeutic touch. When that didn’t pan out, I moved into past life readings and solving the deep mysteries of the past. Once again, I grew bored. I didn’t want to worry about history, but the future. It was then that I discovered how many people were clamoring for predictions about the future of reality – reality television, that is.
As my regular readers know, there are some who actually doubted my abilities. Among these was an outspoken muscle-brain who calls himself the “Manly Man.” This so-called Man challenged me to a Survivor prediction contest back when there were eight contestants still left. I correctly predicted the next four people to be voted off while the Manly Man made excuses. I was right, he was wrong.
But that wasn’t embarrassing enough for him. He wanted to continue the contest. So we predicted who would be the next person voted off. He said it would be Keith. I correctly predicted it would be Elisabeth. So that makes two rounds for me and none for the Man.
But did that stop him? No. He finally admitted that he sucks at making predictions, but still went on to make yet another one. Like most guys with more brawn than brain, he just doesn’t know when he’s beaten.
I have made my point and could quit now and nobody could ever question my powers. But what fun would that be? The show must go on!
Last time, I used palm reading to verify my predictions. This time, I have obtained screen shots of each remaining contestant and enlarged them so I could read the patterns on the iris. As Colby’s mother indicated in the previous episode, you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes. She saw the past – how much Colby’s stay in the Outback had affected him. I, however, see the future.
Let’s start with Keith. I won’t bore you with the details of how I arrived at the information, but Keith’s eyes show he will have a high point followed by a low point. He will definitely make it into the final two, but he will just as surely lose. So while his cookbook sales may pick up, that won’t quite make up for the million-dollar prize he will fail to collect.
Okay, so I didn’t need to be psychic to predict that. Anybody can see that if either Tina or Colby win the final immunity challenge, they would certainly want to take Keith along because he is less popular than either of them. Thus, the jury would side with whoever else is there.
But can somebody without psychic powers figure out ahead of time who will win that final immunity challenge? I think not! So, here we go. By looking into the eyes – the window of the soul – for both Tina and Colby, I can see that Colby’s winning streak will… end.
Yes, Tina will win the final immunity challenge, breaking Colby’s lock on the immunity necklace, and sending him packing. He will join the other six members of the jury when they sit in judgment of who should win.
Of course, by now you have put 2 and 2 together and know that if Keith is definitely going to lose, that means Tina must win. And you are correct.
In fact, I will go beyond saying that she will win and also add that it will not be nearly as close as it was last season, when Rich Hatch won by only a single vote. Tina will be victorious, and people everywhere will see that you can be nice and still be quite a schemer.
And here’s another bonus prediction: In the live reunion after the finale, host Bryant Gumbel will make a number of inane comments that add absolutely nothing to our knowledge or understanding of the game. Take that one to the bank.
It all seems so easy to see now – at least for those of us with second sight. It’s almost anti-climactic. Indeed, once Tina wins immunity, the whole world will know the outcome just as surely as everybody knew that Amber would not last long after Jerri’s ouster and Kel would not last long after the beef jerky incident.
So there you have it. Tina will win immunity. She will vote off Colby and bring Keith into the final two. She will then win a decisive vote to walk away with the million-dollar prize. The Unbelievable Bloombergini has foreseen it. So it is written, so it shall be.
But don’t forget to read the Manly Man’s predictions so we can all laugh at him when he gets it wrong yet again.
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