Survivor Amber in Stuff Magazine: Less Clothes, More Makeup

Ever since learning that Amber posed for Stuff magazine, I anxiously eyed the magazine rack with special attention. Two issues went by and still no Survivor Babe thrills. And when I saw the latest issue with a different babeness on the cover, I wondered again when the Amber issue is coming out. But then I saw, in bold red letters, "Survivor’s AMBER." My first thought was, ‘Who is that on the cover?’ I then realized it was her and thought, ‘Why the hell did she put all that crap on her eyes?’

Don’t get me wrong. She looks great. In fact, Amber is as beautiful as any star or any model. But now, as I ponder the cover of this July 2001 issue of Stuff, I’m finding it difficult to accept that this Survivor babe has moved on with her life and is, gasp!, wearing makeup and real clothes.

::sigh::

At this point I haven’t yet opened the magazine. It sits to my side as I write. I feel like a child on Christmas morning staring wide-eyed at all the presents under the tree, savoring the pleasure all those boxes will soon yield. The Stuff cover reads, "World Exclusive! Survivor’s AMBERcasts away all her clothes!"

I try to remain calm. I actually page through the magazine reading a few things as I slowly make my way towards Amber’s photo layout. (Whoever writes the responses to the Letters is so very much trying to be funny that they just come across unbearably stupid. So, please stop.)

Oh my! Erika Lisa Valdez, who’s an applicant vying for a $4,999 scholarship, is definitely a work of art. Wow. A few pages later I find a chart of the highs and lows of Kelly LeBrock’s career, complete with the half-shirt bikini bottom Weird Science picture (a classic that’s like the Led Zeppelin’s first album of movie posters). And as I read a little more, I soon realize that, except for that Letter-responding person, these writers are dang funny. I actually LIKE this magazine, which is really quite unexpected.

So anyway, my little patient detour through the issue has been pleasant, but now I feel that it’s time…

::flipping through the pages with increased speed::

Oh, wait! Here’s an article, with Jacuzzi pictures even!, about beautiful bisexual women and a few of their, umm… experiences. Stuff magazine, where have you been all my life?

And just when I thought it could get no better, the next thing is a full two pages of Amber in a tiny white bikini laying on white shag carpeting with her sexy-yet-likeable barely-smile and her thick black magic-marker-around-the-eyes make-up. (That’s it – that’s the problem. It looks like a small child went through all the pictures and traced her eyes with a black magic marker. Amber, please, from now on, go easy on the mascara!) But enough about her eyes. Let’s discuss her body.

Oh how I love the finger under the bikini waistband trick. (Women, we guys love this. Do it often.) And man-oh-man does Amber have a wonderful figure. What I like most is that Amber has this beauty which is "real," which is believable, which is attainable. And she’s got beautiful, small breasts, which actually decrease in size if lying on her back. Contrast this with the girl I mentioned earlier who’s vying for the scholarship… her breasts maintain the same exact shape no matter if she’s standing, lying on her back, doing jumping jacks, or hanging upside-down from a tree. Now, I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I’m just saying that what makes Amber so darn attractive is that she comes across like a real person. A real person who would actually talk to you even though you can’t possibly a) further her career, b) buy her expensive houses and jewelry, or c) be one of those beautiful people who you never see actually work, but who always wears expensive clothes and pays $300 for a pair of shoes.

But anyway, back to the pic… well, crap. Seven pages and five pictures later, Amber is gone. That’s it? You built this issue up, made her the cover model, had it featured on Entertainment Weekly-type TV shows, didn’t even PAY her, and you only give us FIVE measly pictures. I am not happy. The universal balance between Good and Evil has been upset. I am going to write to my Congressman. I was surely expecting more of those presents under the tree to be mine.

::sigh::

Moments later, I decided to actually read the interview. Yeah, I know. People often do crazy things when they are depressed.

The opening sentence, "She didn’t outwit. She didn’t outplay. She didn’t outlast. But damn if Amber Brkich didn’t outbabe them all…" Now, HERE’S a writer with talent. How Manly Man-esque.

The first question, "Your last name is spelled B-R-K-I-C-H. What exactly do you have against vowels?" And the second, "After being voted off, Maralyn Hershey gave you that hat emblazoned with her nickname, Mad Dog. You could clean up on eBay with that bad boy."

Hmm… I thought I was the only person to use "bad boy" in that context. Apparently I am more cosmopolitan than I previously thought. But enough about me and my fans, I’ll excerpt parts of the interview…

Amber actually believes Kel had beef jerky. Amber, some advice… stop saying this because it just makes you look stupid.

The interviewer asked a whole bunch of excellent questions, in fact. "Let’s test your gaydar. Mitchell and Jeff: straight or sassy?" As he was talking about the name her hometown, "The town’s motto is BEAVER, SOMEPLACE SPECIAL. What’s special about your Beaver?" And, "While watching the reward challenges, I had an overwhelming desire to shop at Target, eat Doritos, and drink Mountain Dew. Why?"

And these are just a sampling. Whoever this guy is, he’s great. But every time, Amber responded all business-like and serious. Here’s an example.

"Let’s pretend that the lives of dozens of hostages depend on your sleeping with a cast member. Who would that be?" Her response, "The best-looking one out there was Colby. Oh, I guess I’d have to say Colby. He’s a little full of himself, so I wouldn’t go out with him, though." (This brings into mind the reports that people saw her and Colby in some club sucking face.)

But the follow-up question was straight out of the Manly Man manual, which, admittedly, is rather universal in thought, "Better question: Which female cast member would you sleep with?" She said Jerri, but not for the reasons we were begging for. She said Jerri was basically a constant horn-dog and that she’d have more experience with anything sexual. Blah blah blah. She could’ve given at least one answer that we wanted to hear, "Definitely Elisabeth. She was fine! I’d like to rock her world!" But alas, she was all business. My advice to Amber: Loosen up. Have some fun with this. Toy with us. Tease us. Don’t make us just look at your body.

And it was clear the interviewer basically agreed with me. He tried so hard to get her to say something wild, something dirty. "What might your boyfriend do to make you vote him off the island that is your bed?" She replies ::yawn:: "Wanting me to do something that I really didn’t want to do. Or if I want to do something and he’s cutting me out of it." And then the interviewer replied, "Cryptic!" before asking if she used her journal to wipe her ass.

So, the interview was good. Amber did actually say a few things worthwhile. And the interviewer’s questions were excellent. But the FIVE and only five pictures, although wonderful, were a bit brief. So, I checked out the website, http://www.stuffmagazine.com.

OH! Now we’re talking! On this site they have three streaming videos of Amber during her photo shoot (and you don’t need a superfast modem to watch them). The cameraman seemed to appreciate Amber’s body as much as I did. (I captured a view screen shots of the video streams. Read the more "Manly Man" version of this article on my website http://www.manlythoughts.com to see the pics. She still has all that crap on her eyes, though.)

Definitely check out the Stuff website. It makes the magazine’s five pictures look like the Survivor promo shots of Amber.

Overall, I’d say this was a good experience. We finally got to see Amber in exactly the type of poses that we watched Survivor every week to see. We also got a glimpse of someone that’ll probably continue being in the spotlight, as I sincerely believe Amber has the talent and the intelligence to carry on into the world of fame. (She needs to loosen up, though, take out the belly button piercing ::cringe again::, and stop wearing all that eye gunk.)

Thank you, Amber. We’ll be watching for you.

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