Big Brother 2 -- New & Improved?

Thursday the new Big Brother arrives on the Reality TV scene and they're promising that virtually everything will be "new and improved." Well, I'm not going to comment about how boring the last Big Brother was because every other person already has. So making it "new and improved" wasn't really all that much of a challenge.

In fact, if it weren't for the many thousands upon thousands of people begging me to also provide my "Manly Man" slant to Big Brother (like I did with Survivor), I probably wouldn't have bothered. As the many women who swoon over my every word can imagine, I, being the Manly Man, have an extremely busy life (drinking beer, scratching my ass, watching sports, clicking the remote, and eating lots of catsup and cheap meat). So, commenting on Big Brother, having watched a few of last season's episodes and trying very hard not to gag from the utter stupidity and forever fake politeness to each other, was a hard sell.

Well, it was a hard sell until I was presented with these fun little quotes by producer Arnold Shapiro, "Let's put it this way: There's a swimming pool at the house, and I have a feeling that some members of this cast will possibly interpret the pool rules as swimwear-optional." Shapiro continues, "And, romance between some of these people is not out of the range of possibility." Shapiro was quoted elsewhere, "It wouldn't surprise me if there were some romance or nudity or physicality. CBS has their blurring machines on standby."

My first thought was, OK, if I were the producer and I wanted people to watch the show, I'd be saying the same things - "Hey, watch my show. There's going to be nudity and sex. Really." And then I wondered what kind of questions they asked people - well, the women - during the interview process. "You're going to live in a 2600 sq. ft house with eleven other people for 75-80 days. The house will be outfitted with 38 cameras and 62 microphones recording your every move 24 hours a day. You're going to get naked, right?"

So the words nudity and sex got my Manly Man attention. But what happens if the only person to go nude is the overweight gay male? This is a big concern. So I checked out the houseguests (this link opens in a new window for quick back and forth reference) to make sure they aren't a repeat of the first Big Brother, which basically consisted of typical America, which, unfortunately, is typically not beautiful. In other words, I wanted to make sure those participating are abnormally attractive, youthful, and looking good while scantily clad (just like what we saw in Survivor 2).

If I wanted to watch normal people wear normal clothes, I could just go and hang out at the mall. And let's be honest, this show is not about the psychological experiment they say it is. It's not about how 12 complete strangers will learn to cope with each other, build relationships, and experience group evolvement in a too small house while being watched 24/7. I repeat, it is not a social experiment where Psychology 101 professors and their students watch videotapes of the show to analyze the personality dynamics and the ebb and flow of individuals under pressure to forget the watchful eye of the camera while also trying to continue on with their lives as they normally would live.

This show is about, and I quote Mr. Shapiro, "Romance. Nudity. Physicality." And thus is the reason why I felt compelled to write my slanted articles - SOMEONE needs to fully detail the babe factor. And if it weren't for this babe factor, then we would have typical ugly, ignorant, overweight Americans picking their noses and doing nothing but watching TV every night.

But before I continue, I feel I should explain Big Brother to all those living in Missouri. (See, I'm from Missouri so I can make fun of everyone there. Otherwise, I would've said Nebraska.)

Big Brother will follow a group of mostly single babe and studmuffin strangers as they live together confined in a house outfitted with 38 cameras and 62 microphones recording their every move 24 hours a day. Most every houseguest hopes to win over the hearts of the American public so they can eventually appear on magazine covers and on talk shows where they are asked silly questions about that bitchy woman (unless they happen to BE the bitchy woman, at which point the editing is blamed just before sharing the latest news about being featured on the lowest form of acting - Soap Operas).

One by one, the houseguests will be evicted (by the other houseguests -- unlike last time, which was by public vote, which was proof that the American people are idiots as one of the first people voted off was the stripper). At the end of the series, the last remaining houseguest will receive the grand prize of $500,000 in addition to the obligatory talk show circuit visits. (A side note, I honestly have no idea who won last year. Can someone email this information to me: Who was it and have they since been spotted in public?)

The bedrooms will be co-ed in hopes that people fondle each other in the night. Each week, Julie Chen (who I would LOVE to see topless) will host a live show where she'll ask lots of boring questions. Unlike the first show, there will not be a studio audience during the live show because CBS has decided to reduce its budget as they spent literally millions for union cameramen to stay late so they can wake up all those who fell asleep.

The interior of the house will have a new look as CBS decided to hire someone other than a college fraternity sophomore to decorate. A basketball hoop replaces the chicken coop as CBS has already had enough emails from the radical (ie. ridiculous and insane) animal rights people about the chickens and pigs on Survivor. I have heard, although this is just a rumor, that the dog that was placed on the first Big Brother mid-season to spice up the show has sued CBS for defamation by forced association with the inept. (I also heard that this dog often farted. Since I stopped watching the show I can't verify this personally, although I imagine this was the center of conversation for days and days.)

Back to the basketball hoop. I like basketball. In fact, I like it a lot. Which is exactly why I am begging that at least some of the houseguests are halfway athletic because I really can't stand watching non-athletes playing basketball and continually breaking the rules and doing stupid sh*t. I mention this because I have a very strong feeling that we are going to see it played ALL THE TIME. And very likely we're going to see over and over again that same move - dribble while backing up towards the rim. Dribble, dribble, back up, dribble, back up, more dribbling more backing up, then quickly turn halfway around and throw the ball at the hoop. It bounces high off the backboard then the other person does the same freaking thing.

Here's my prediction of what we'll mostly see: Bad basketball. Shots of the pool. People sitting around in the kitchen talking. The studmuffins with no shirts on all the time - even during dinner (but this will last only a week or so as the newness to showing off their stomach muscles to millions fades away). We'll hear political arguments where neither side ever really listens to the other's point, which will be very lacking, at best (except for the guy whose hero is Ronald Reagan, but everyone will soon tune out everything he says because he's always right).

There will forever be arguments about food (see my Big Brother Conflicts article - apparently the producers decided to have a little fun in the food preferences department). The houseguests will never come to an agreement so we'll see, AGAIN!, lots of rice eaten. (Ha! Just joking. I'm such a kidder.) Of course, the one most pro-vegetarian happens also to be a chef (who also happens to look the most bitchy - and being that she's a newlywed, I imagine the producers threw her in this thing BECAUSE she's an opinionated bitch vegetarian naturalist), so we'll soon see everyone complaining about her cooking and her veggie proselytizing.

We'll see lots of whispering. People complaining about so and so, but never to this person's face. We'll see all these beautiful people WANTING to get busy, WANTING to suck face, wanting to fondle each other at night and in the pool - and we'll see them talking about how fine so and so is and that he's probably a player, but he's still SO FINE! - and then after the cameras become forgotten we'll finally get to see some minor action.

Those are some of my predictions. I have more in my Big Brother Houseguest Manly Man Psychological Profiling article.

Back to describing the show: In a fit of creativity, there will competitions for both rewards and immunity. And I hear that these competitions will be "relevant to living in the house and the results will affect the houseguests' quality of life in the house, e.g., food rewards, living conditions, etc."

"The house guests are now going to have to compete for their food," Shapiro says. "And competitions will relate to their quantity and types of food - one [winning] team may get gourmet food while the other gets peanut butter."

Is it just my crazy thinking or does this sound incredibly idiotic and boring? I can understand competing for food in the wilds of the Australian Outback or while stranded on an island in the Pacific. But...

Not in a middle-class home in Los Angeles. Seeing men and women becoming increasingly emaciated was expected in Survivor. But survival in a home with nice furniture? It just doesn't work for me. In fact, I think it will just promote more teenage middle-class eating disorders.

But I must not be all that creative either because I simply cannot think of any (likely) interesting competitions between 12 people that can be held inside a house. Will we be forced to watch a Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit game in its entirety? Or maybe college drinking games? (Which causes me to wonder who the sponsors of this show will be.) Will we have a challenge as to who can stand on their head the longest? Or maybe staring contests? Or, remember as a child when your parents would take you on long trips in the car? Maybe there will be contests where the first person to make a noise loses.

Supposedly all the houseguests are highly intelligent and psychologically sound. Maybe the competitions will be Big Brother Jeopardy, or a round-robin chess tournament. Of course, what I'd LIKE to see would be things like Truth or Dare.

"Dare? OK, Shannon. You have to take off all your clothes and let all the guys fondle you for 10 minutes." Or, "Dare? OK, Krista. You have to fondle Shannon." I'd also be enthused to see a good game of strip poker for immunity. Or maybe whoever has the wildest sex experience wins immunity? Or the most partners? (But there would have to a way to verify the most partners question because the guys would surely lie.)

Supposedly, on the Big Brother show in Portugal, a couple actually got busy with some serious zoinking action, not to mention masturbation and taking mixed showers. (Read about it here.) Personally, I am all for exhibitionist sex (as long as I am not involved). But I honestly can't see any of the women going this far. And here's why:

There are 4 women in their late 20s/early 30s - which is just about the time when women stop being so freaking emotional about sex and start really enjoying it. So, these 4 are prime possibilities. However, one of these is a newlywed (like I said, the only likely reason they put her on the show is if she's an opinionated bitch vegetarian nudist). Two are mothers (no way will they be so stupid as to force their child to deal with the public school "your mom is a slut" ridicule). And the last of the four is arguably the most attractive who probably has already contacted an agent, so she won't be screwing up her career for sex with some male slut. (Nudity is a different thing, however. Thankfully.)

The other two women are 40 and 43, which is an age typically more prime for public sex (especially if the younger studs show interest) as they are both attractive and youthful. But this is VERY unlikely. The 40-year-old's hero is her 11-year-old niece (I'm sure there's a heartbreak story here) and her favorite magazine is Good Housekeeping. The 43-year-old looks like a news anchor whose hero is Dr. Laura Schlessinger and whose least favorite show is Jerry Springer. Very much NOT public sex characteristics. In fact, both of these women screams to me BORING. Maybe instead of just one bitch on the show, we'll have three!

And the other reason why I don't predict sex is that our American society is screwed up. Everyone here likes sex (well, those who've tried it or weren't abused by it). Everyone likes to watch beautiful people HAVE sex. But so many have this high-and-mighty moral pretend attitude when discussing it PUBLICLY. This is one reason why I'd like to be psychic (like the Unbelievable Bloombergini). "You're lying, Sister Angela. You want it and you want it bad."

There is a huge double-standard with vastly different outcomes for the male and female. If a guy gets some while on Big Brother, he will forever be famous. Ten years from now, he'll be walking down the streets, in Nebraska even, and some other guy will recognize him and say, "Dude!" and give him a High-5. The woman? Other women will walk past her and say, just under her breath, "Slut." Hey, it's not fair but that's how it is. So, I'm thinking we won't see any sex. But they do seem to be pushing that nudity thing a bit, so the psychologists who conducted the testing must know something about these people that they're not telling.

So there you go - the gist of Big Brother 2. A new producer. Less boredom, less reality. Abnormally beautiful people. Extroverted people. Basketball hoops and nicer furniture. The public thankfully having no say. The houseguests voting out other houseguests (more backstabbing and whispering). A pool. Co-ed bedrooms. And a serious attempt to make things more interesting to the sex-crazed, TV-worshipping public.

And it all starts Thursday.

Now that you know what the show is going to be about, let's take a look at some of the conflict the producers tried to create by forcing these personalities to live confined in this house for two-and-a-half months. By analyzing the houseguests' likes and dislikes, I've written a Big Brother Conflicts article.

I also recommend reading more about the houseguests themselves. I provide this service to mankind in my Big Brother Houseguest Manly Man Psychological Profiling article. Here I'll provide in-depth psychological analyses for each of them. I might also discuss the babe status of each of them, in addition to an elaboration of each person's all-important babe status.

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