WWF Tough Enough, Episode 3: What Is Your Major Malfunction?!

It has been an incredible week in the world of wrestling. It’s pretty much impossible to explain quickly, but one of the biggest storylines in history has taken place this past week, and Tazz is right in the middle of it. If you aren’t watching the WWF, right now is the perfect time to start since the events of the next few weeks will shape the direction of the wrestling industry for years to come. Sunday Night Heat, on MTV, is a good place to start since it usually recaps the big happenings of the past week. If you’re interested in wrestling at all, you don’t want to miss this!

Now onto Tough Enough. I’d like to thank everyone who wrote in this week. At the end of last week’s column, I challenged readers to tell me the source of the paraphrase: “The only thing for sure about Tough Enough is that nothing’s for sure.” Robert Leighty was the first to tell me that Sting used the quote to refer to himself in 1996, to address the question of whether or not Sting would join the New World Order. (By the way, to find out more about the New World Order, Sting, and tons more wrestling history, check out The Buzz on Pro Wrestling, by Scott Keith).

I’d like to ask something unusual of my readers this week. My girlfriend Maria and I were talking, and we wondered about the people reading this column. I’d like to ask readers to answer two questions: Are you a wrestling fan, a reality TV fan, or both (or neither)? And what made you want to watch Tough Enough? Click here to send me your thoughts. Don’t worry, while I will talk about the results, I won’t use any names or email addresses, and you won’t be added to any lists.

Finally, I wanted to point out that the current poll at www.wwftoughenough.com has Darryl leading in the “Who will get kicked off next?” poll with 54%, followed by our favorite, Bobbie Jo at 16%. Writing this before the show tonight, I think they’ll keep Darryl around just so they can torture him, and I think he’s too stubborn to quit. I’m sticking with Bobbie Jo; since someone else has already quit, she wouldn’t be the first. I think that would be gratifying enough for her.

We start out with everyone commenting on Jason’s shocking departure last week. I’m starting to wonder if anyone wants to STAY at this point. The next morning, John “Big” Gabriuck tells everyone else to drive one car, he’s taking Victoria in the hummer. You sly dog. They’re worried about her mental state, and Big tries to convince her not to quit. No problem, she’s never quit anything in her life.

Al Snow starts their day of hell by giving them their 24-hour notice for cutdown. This time tomorrow, one person will be asked to leave. Shadrick is worried that it will be him. He confesses that he’d be okay with that, since he knows he gave it his all. First off, there are about six people who would go before him. Secondly, you’ve got to use the Amber (from Survivor) rule: we haven’t seen him at all yet, so he must be sticking around for a while.

Last week, they learned how to take back bumps. This week, they’re going to learn how to get used to them. They practice the side headlock and take over, as we get some quick cuts showing how it’s done. Al is not pleased that Josh keeps landing on him before he can roll through, thus landing on Al’s head. If he doesn’t stop, Al will bite his nipple off. It’s this kind of drama we just didn’t see in Boot Camp or The Mole, you know?

Speaking of drama, they show Victoria and Nidia wrestling… I’m going to stop that thought right there, because they quickly switch to Al and Darryl. Darryl has Al in a headscissors, basically with Al’s head in between his knees. Al is once again not pleased, because apparently Darryl is what doctors call STINKY!

Al tells Darryl to go wash himself and change, and Darryl mutters under his breath as he walks off. Al proceeds to tear him up for it, saying that Al’s 11-year old son behaves better. Don’t piss Al off! Darryl speaks in the diary room that he can’t worry about who likes him and who doesn’t. Dude, seeing as he might be voting you out tomorrow, you had BETTER care.

On the way to the WWF Gym (coming soon as a playset from Jakks toys. No, I’m kidding. I hope.), everyone complains about their favorite subject – Darryl. Paulina almost quit right then and there because he was her partner for the workouts.

At the gym, all the girls’ knees are bruised. There’s a joke there, but I’m going to stay quiet again. And of course, Darryl tells everyone how badly he could beat Tyson, Holyfield, Bowe…hell, I’m guessing he could beat Godzilla, and not even need Rodan’s help, either! Chris’ voice-over tells us he thinks Darryl just doesn’t realize what an ass he is, as Darryl shadow-boxes.

Next morning, Victoria isn’t sure she wants this. She’s taken her weight in Alleve these past few days due to hitting her head so much. Meanwhile, Bobbie Jo wants to call in sick, and I’m all for that since I’m sick of her. Paulina keeps thinking she’s not cut out for this.

Big tells us that Victoria and Bobbie Jo (Bobbie Jo especially, in his words) had no idea what they were getting into. Why didn’t you chime in during the casting and select that red-headed Australian chick instead? I really question the point of choosing Bobbie Jo, knowing she’s not going to make it. The only thing I can figure is they wanted to prove a point to the TV wannabes who think it’s all fake. Somehow I doubt the point is made with a bimbo prima donna.

Darryl thinks Victoria will be cut next because she can’t take the back bumps. Again, Darryl demonstrates how incredibly ignorant he is. You can learn something like back bumps. If you’re motivated, you can keep at it until you get it. But, as my girlfriend likes to say, you can’t fix stupid.

Paulina notes that Victoria and Bobbie Jo are talking to Big. They don’t want it badly enough. They don’t have the passion. Big tells them to pack up if they’re positive. They both leave.

Bobbie Jo I expected. Victoria was a bit of a shock. I’m really not judging, because she stuck with it quite a while. And I understand how frustrated she must be. It’s probably for the best that she quit, because if she had truly wanted it, she would have kept going.

They say their tearful goodbyes. Bobbie Jo thinks everyone is surprised that she quit. Change that to “no one” and you’ve got it, babe. But that’s all right, a few more surgeries and your dream of appearing fully naked in a national magazine is YOURS! She failed at wrestling, but I’m betting she gets into Playboy in the next year. I called Jerri’s Playboy appearance in episode two of that show, so we’ll see if I can make it two for two.

Anyway, Victoria claims that while everyone told her she was giving 100%, she knew she wasn’t because she knew she really didn’t want it as badly as some of the others. Paulina again questions whether she herself belongs there. Yes, Paulina, you do, and let me tell you why. As I mentioned above, if Victoria really wanted to be a wrestler, she would have succeeded. She gave up way too early, and it’s only through interventions by Stephanie and Big that she made it this far. Paulina questions herself a lot (which is perfectly natural), but I don’t think she has seriously considered quitting yet. Because it’s obvious that she wants it. And I would normally make my prediction for Paulina here, but I’ve decided to stop trying to figure out women. Actually, I did that a long time ago, but you know what I mean.

Back at the house, it’s clear that no one else (besides Paulina, I suppose) is even talking about quitting anymore. Darryl goes to sleep muttering about how nobody wants him there but he’s going to win anyway, he doesn’t care if nobody likes him. You remember that scene in Full Metal Jacket, when the other recruits attack “Gomer Pyle” while he’s sleeping and beat him with bars of soap wrapped in towels? (There’s a term for that but I don’t remember it.) I’m expecting that to happen to Darryl any minute now. “You’re six foot seven? I didn’t know they stacked {crap} that high!” You know, that movie would be perfect to quote from for this series, but it’s nearly impossible to find a quote without a million obscenities.

Later that night, Maven and an unwilling Josh (“they’ll kick me out!”) are horseplaying, and in the confusion a candle catches Josh’s blanket on fire. Shadrick yells “Stop, drop, and roll!” to the blanket while Nidia calmly puts the fire out with some water. Yeah, see, it’s all fun and games until someone’s blanket catches fire.

The next morning on the way to Trax, the contestants talk about the fire. Darryl asks “WHAT FIRE?” Apparently, he slept through it. Darryl gets upset that they’re leaving him out and concludes that they all must be jealous of him. Er, no. But thanks for playing our game.

Al announces that due to the lousy stinkin quitters, there will be no cutdowns today. As Al performs the ceremonial dragging of the chairs, he expresses hope that the next chair they remove is because they were asked to leave. Tazz tells the group not to worry – they were nothing but quitters, and they’ve succeeded in getting rid of the crap. Not that they’re going to go any easier on them, of course.

Today we’re doing amateur-style wrestling. The contestant gets down on all fours, Al gets on top of them and the contestants try to get to their feet. Al successfully rides them all – except Greg, who gets a loud chorus of cheers.

Later, the girls all go to lunch with Stephanie while the guys get to hear stories of Darryl’s high school football team. Josh just wishes he would shut up. I’m telling you, a bar of soap wrapped in a towel is the only answer.

Darryl comes to Harvard Chris and asks why nobody likes him. Chris literally starts going down a list:

• Darryl doesn’t work hard in the gym. (“I’m not going to strain myself when I’m worn out and I know I’ve got to get up tomorrow and do it again!” Sigh)
• He talks like he’s the greatest. (“I’m just a cocky SOB!” Chris: “Yeah, well, people don’t like cocky SOBs.”)
• Greg chimes in that Darryl demands respect yet gives none.

Maven respects that Darryl had the guts to come to them. It shows that maybe he understands that he needs to work on some things. Or not: Maven tells him not to try to change completely overnight. Oh, not to worry. Darryl will be himself “and he’ll try not to talk about the great things he’s done so much.” OKAY, GET THE SOAP. I’M DRIVIN’ TO CONNECTICUT MYSELF IF I HAVE TO!

The next morning, Big announces that Al has a match on Smackdown that night from Providence, Rhode Island, so the entire gang is going to be there, in the front row. All the contestants celebrate like seven-year olds on a snow day (no pun intended).

Highlights of Smackdown are shown. I looked this one up on the internet, and I remember this episode being a pretty crappy hype show for Wrestlemania 2001. And look as I might, I didn’t see where Al Snow wrestled that night, although Tazz and Jackie both saw action. Anyway, our ten friends don’t care if it’s a bad show or not: it’s clear from the look in their eyes that they’ve all (well, we never did see Darryl) fallen in love with wrestling again. The trip did the job rather nicely, and everyone has a renewed sense of purpose, especially Paulina, who ends the show with “I look at this differently now. I remember why I want to be a wrestler.”

Phenomenal episode, framed nicely from beginning to end. Jason’s departure left the band in low spirits, possibly even costing them two more of their number. At the end, we had come full circle, reminding all of the remaining contestants exactly what they were competing for.

See you next week!

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