WWF Tough Enough, Episode 5: Plenty of Underdogs, but Where’s Simon Bar Sinister?

For an accountant, sometimes I am lousy with numbers.

Four episodes into a thirteen week run isn’t a quarter, not even close. It’s possibly a third. So instead of football references, consider it to be the first Intermission, as in my OTHER favorite sport, the great game of hockey. In any event, make sure you check out what I had called the first quarter recap.

Another correction: Jay, all the way from The Netherlands, pointed out an error in my Tazz introduction article. I stated that Tazz lost the ECW TV Title to Rob Van Dam. I was incorrect, Tazz lost the title to Bam Bam Bigelow on the “Living Dangerously 1998” Pay-Per-View. BBB later lost the title to RVD, starting Rob’s over 18-month-long reign. I can’t believe I missed that, since that is one of my favorite Pay-Per-Views of all time, as that was also the night where Al Snow pinned ECW Champ Shane Douglas in a tag match to earn himself a title shot. It’s also the first time to my knowledge that wrestlers fell THROUGH the ring to the floor. It’s been used many times since, but it had incredible shock value at the time. I remember my jaw falling to the floor as we wondered if that was supposed to happen or not, mostly due to the fine acting skills by the ref and announcer Joey Styles. Either way, I stand corrected on my mistake, and thanks for reading, Jay!

This week’s website: www.wrestlecrap.com. A collection of the worst wrestling gimmicks of all time, such as Al Snow’s Avatar character. One of the best websites on the net. But you’d better hurry: they are closing down July 31, and there are quite literally hours upon hours of reading pleasure. If nothing else, be sure to check out their final update of the bad gimmicks they hadn’t had time to cover, The WrestleCrap Junk Drawer.

Now, on with this week’s show. Shadrick is definitely the underdog in the competition. He is shown messing up some back bumps. For some reason, he leans to one side as he falls and lands awkwardly. He may be hurt, but since he’s not Darryl we don’t know for sure. Jackie wants Shadrick to do well, he just needs to hang in there. I’ve been pretty flippant about flirting before, but I’m serious this time; I believe there is a gleam in Jackie’s eye whenever she talks about Shadrick.

Tazz demonstrates the single-leg Boston Crab. Basically, your opponent is lying on his back, you’re standing at his feet. You grab his leg and pull him to where only his shoulders touch the mat. Tazz describes this as among the most vulnerable positions in wrestling, since the person on his back has no leverage. Nidia pushes Chris down to start the move, and Chris puts his arms down to break his fall. That’s a big no-no, especially since that’s the whole reason they’ve been practicing all the bumps, so they won’t do that! Tazz claims that by now, they should be able to bump at any time. He can be walking through the supermarket, slip on some milk and bump. Now THAT I’d like to see.

Chris thought he would have all the energy in the world and just “bust on through” and become a superstar, but he’s finding out he’s really an underdog. It’s different when you actually have to, you know, DO IT.

They go out to a place called Lucky Cheng’s, which turns out to be a transvestite-staffed (no pun intended) restaurant. Welcome to MTV, kids. Big buys Nidia a lapdance from a “lady.” How does it feel from the other side of the couch, Nidia? Greg has never seen anything like this, not even on TV. He’s never watched MTV, apparently. I know he’s from Pennsylvania, but what is he, Amish or something?

The waiter..waitress…eh, employees pull Greg and Harvard Chris aside and make them do a striptease for the rest of the diners. Greg seems to have some moves…suuure you’ve never seen this before. They choose MAVEN to dress in drag as “Anita Facelift” and BOY, does he make an ugly woman. He doesn’t have a problem with it, since he’s secure enough in his masculinity. Chris thinks he makes a great-looking woman. A wave of nausea from last weekend’s stomach bug returns. Ick.

Back at training, Shadrick is dragging off Tori’s shoulder on his arm-drag, and it apparently hurts quite a bit. Also, when he bumps, he’s beating her up on the way down. Tazz and Al give him a pep talk, telling him he needs to step it up.

Later, Maven is on the phone with his Mom. He tells her she’s not allowed to watch this episode of the show because he had to dress in drag and he was trying to figure out what he was going to tell her when she found out. For her part, Mom Maven laughs and calls him a “dyke.”

Big John comes in with tapes of RAW and Smackdown for them to watch. Chris points out that they’ve started watching for tips and bumps and technical aspects more than entertainment now. Big comments that it’s unusual that Josh isn’t watching with them, since he seems to be the biggest wrestling fan of anyone.

Josh says he can’t watch wrestling with “people” and by that I think he means someone in particular. He can’t stand hearing people complain when someone screws up a move or a bump. The contestants have been doing this for a few weeks, and they’re critiquing wrestlers who have been doing it for years? Josh thinks that’s ridiculous, and {he hangs his head and drops his voice} it pisses him off.

You know who Josh just reminded me of? Ben Stiller’s character, Mr. Furious, from Mystery Men. He’s mild-mannered and about as threatening as a newborn puppy. But he just has that look about him that he could snap at any moment. “After all, I am a ticking time bomb of fury.”

Anyway, Maven talks to Mom again. He’s worried because she wasn’t there earlier. She was diagnosed with extensive bone-marrow cancer (a while ago, not just now). Ouch. She’s in for an uphill battle, and Maven spends 60-70% of the day thinking about her. She’s everything to him. That’s somewhat sappy to some, but to me it took all that “himbo” stuff I’ve talked about and blew it right out of the water.

We get our 24-hour notice of the next cut. They need to show the trainers what they’ve got (**cough-Shadrick-cough**). They’re doing armdrags today, and Shadrick’s getting frustrated. Jackie tries to give him a pep talk. The pressure is definitely getting to him, but Al points out, until he’s gone in front of 20,000 people, on a nationally televised show, with Vince McMahon watching from the back, he doesn’t know what pressure is. It only gets worse from here.

Chris is taking his armdrags by trying to jump with both feet instead of running, which gives the result of landing on the other person. Shadrick does the same thing to Chris, and Al is glad because now they both know what it feels like.

That night, Josh, Nidia, and Paulina discuss the cut. Josh thinks it’s him because of his size. Paulina laughs at him. He thinks if he were 6’3” he’d have a better shot, but right now, he’s definitely the underdog.

The trainers discuss the cut, focusing on our three underdogs:

Josh: Jackie says he works hard and takes good bumps, but he has a tendency to get lazy. Huh? Tori thinks he’s in an aloof stage right now (probably because he thinks he’s about to be cut!).

Chris: Al has been seeing improvement, but today was just tragic. Tori likes his physicality, but knows something is off. Al thinks there is a possibility, but it’s a slim one.

Shadrick: Al thinks he has a major fear of failure. Sweet Polly Purebr…I mean, Jackie (have I beaten that Underdog joke to death yet?) starts talking about his frustration but breaks down in tears. She can’t understand why it’s getting to her. Shadrick and Jackie sittin’ in a tree…

Back at the house, Chris thinks it’s him or Shadrick, and I pretty much agree with him there. Paulina, of all people, consoles him, saying she just thinks he had a bad day. Paulina’s really lightened up on the whining, thank God. Either she hasn’t been doing it or they haven’t been showing it, but whichever, I’m extremely thankful.

Cut down day. Al makes sure to point out to “whoever is cut” that please, if you really want this, don’t let today be the end. To no one’s surprise, it’s Shadrick. Tears and hugs go all around. I feel like I’m watching a funeral. Shadrick explains that he bonded with everyone, and it was really hard competing against them. It was like competing against his best friend. One thing that Shadrick is not, is cutthroat.

Shadrick obviously had the desire, but he needed more work. Unfortunately, this was a competition, and it was time for him to go. If he decides to pursue a wrestling career, given time, I’m sure he can make it. But he needs time to work on his flaws, and they simply didn’t have that time.

NEXT WEEK: Current WCW Champion Kurt Angle! Sweet! Paulina hurts her knee and doesn’t tell anyone. They all go to the Bahamas? What the-?! And Harvard Chris is bullying Josh. Don’t make me come up there!

Make sure you drop me a line and let me know what you think! Until next time, thanks again for reading!

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