Temptation Island 2, Episode 12: Hallelujah!

Before I begin, a quick thanks to Jason Mack on 104.1FM, The Mall, in St. Louis for the shout out on Thursday’s broadcast. Hope you like the final recap, but I still can’t believe you’d subject that poor girl to this show.

In the RNO poll, an overwhelming majority thought that Nikkole and Tommy would break up. The main reason I didn’t predict them was that it seemed too easy… like picking the Rams to win the Super Bowl. And we know how that turned out. Very, very few people thought that Mark and Kelley would break up, my second choice, and almost NO ONE predicted John and Shannon. Ouch. Thanks for the support, guys.

The scene: Bonfire. Mark Wahlberg stands alone until he is joined by one of the women. They chat for a bit, then are joined by the boyfriend. They both speak their peace and announce their decision. Each couple’s segment is structured the same. At the end of the episode, they tell what happened after the couple returned home (you know, like at the end of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.) as the end result often differs wildly from what happens at the end of bonfire. For simplicity, I’ll combine all the events for each couple even though it technically happened out of order on the show. Understand? No? Ah, screw it, nevermind.

Mark and Kelley:

Mark goes first. He thought they were unbreakable. Then he saw her get into bed with a guy (who we later find out is not-NY Tom) and he freaked. He bonded with Debbie, since she had everything that Kelley was lacking. But even as he kissed and necked with Debbie, he always thought of Kelley. What a sweetie.

“Even though you are lacking in some things, I’d rather be with you.” Wow. How can Kelley possibly say no to that?!

Kelley was so very scared at the beginning, but then Tom took her under his wang. Wait…sorry, having trouble reading my notes… he took her under his WING. Sorry.

But she freaked out herself (which is kinda funny, since Mark was freaking out watching a tape of her just before she freaked out. Freaky.) because it was so wrong. She had to remind herself that she was there to be single.

Then came ALI, and she didn’t have to remind herself any more. She had a physical attraction to him (wait, to Ali? I mean, I love the guy – in a very, VERY manly way – but… OK) and she felt like she knew him for years. He treated her like a lady, and told her she deserves everything she wants. Well, of course! We Youngstown boys know how to treat a woman, I’ve been telling you that!

Ali made Kelley realize she shouldn’t feel like less of a person, and that it was wrong of her to not feel good enough for Mark, as she apparently did. They never had sex (although they shared a bed, as we saw last episode) but he treated her like a lady, and she realized she needed that. She also realized that she can’t put her dreams aside and settle any more. She’s got to get out of the relationship.

All through the last paragraph, Mark is looking at Kelley in disbelief. He looks toward the host-Mark, who only sits there with a smug look on his face. Have I ever mentioned how great Mark Wahlberg is as host? Well, I need to. Mark, ex-boyfriend of Kelley, storms off leaving Kelley crying.

Coda: ”After returning to Florida, Kelley moved out of Mark’s house. They remain friends.

Ouch. Man, that was just harsh all around. But what’s funny about all this is that coming on the show was Mark’s idea, and it blew up in his face. As my friend Mickey has said, “Don’t poke the bear.” Mark poked the bear, and this is what the bear did to Mark.

As for Kelley, I’m pleased that she was able to take a positive step in her life, and I wish her the best.

John & Shannon:

Mark talks to Shannon for a bit, basically telling her “we found your letters, bee-yotch.” Shannon confirms that she did not like not being in control of the situation, and did everything in her power to try to regain some of that control. Yeah, duh.

Shannon decided to surround herself with a positive person (Kevin) because she didn’t like all the negative things going on (from Catherine and Nikkole, although she doesn’t come out and say it). She and Kevin talked for a long time, and she also realized some things.

She hasn’t been respecting their relationship. She’s been taking John for granted. She’s mothered him. She’s nagged him for petty things like his job. She’s judged John by the standards of her past. Yikes.

But John’s not her past, John is hopefully her future. She wants to cherish him like never before.

John talks about Nayla, how she shares the same history as Shannon (I assume the whole ‘cheating husband’ thing). Nayla helped him though it. Blah, blah. He meanders for about four hours saying nothing, and finally cuts it short when he realizes Shannon thinks he’s going to break up with her. No, he wants to be with Shannon.

Dramatic upswell of music. Embrace. “Your journey is over.” Loud sounds of me puking up my dinner.

Coda: ”John and Shannon sequestered themselves in Shannon’s house for five passionate days. (YIKES!) John moved in a few days later.” After he regained the strength to walk, I would assume.

OK, yeah, so they didn’t break up. I thought maybe Fox was throwing us a curveball and I would end up looking like a genius. Well, I still am a genius, but that’s beside the point.

Again, I wish them the best. Just wait, I’m storing up all my venom. I am, of course, assuming that Shannon truly has learned a lesson from all of this. I’m sure I’d be much more positive about your future if you didn’t have to go on this wretched show to learn these lessons, that’s all.

Catherine & Edmundo:

Ah, now this should be fun.

Ed didn’t expect to have feelings for anyone on the island, which pretty much sums up Edmundo in one sentence. He met Hillary and had some intimate, romantic moments. But (and careful you don’t get whiplash here) he saw something in Catherine’s eyes on her tapes. The look she had when she was with Brian, he thought was a look reserved only for him. Poor baby. Why, that just makes everything you did okay then, doesn’t it?

Then he met Linda, and he was so distraught that Catherine was doing the same things that he was doing, he wound up having feelings for Linda. He loves Catherine, but he can’t leave the feelings he has for Linda behind.

So, basically, what he’s saying is he’d like to stay and work things out with Catherine and possibly chase Linda on the side.

{extends pinky….raises pinky to lips…raises eyebrow}: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

As an extended aside, can I just ask that MGM please get a life? Hell, if A View to a Kill and The Living Daylights didn’t irreparably damage the James Bond franchise, Mike Meyers sure as hell ain’t gonna do it.

Anyway…

Catherine had put Ed on a pedestal (which was her second mistake… the first was dating him in the first place) and what she saw at bonfire devastated her. It allowed her to, finally, after all this time, for the first time EVER in her entire life, put herself first. The three guys she dated told her things she hadn’t heard in a while (news flash, Cathie baby… that’s what they’re there for!). Her journey was about emotional bonds. Yeah, she kissed Brian, held each other, and cuddled but that was it. No tongue baths or ass grabs on the beach, no sir. And fondling was out of the question, as was heavy petting. Nope. Not her, no way.

Catherine wants to be appreciated, which comes as a shock to absolutely no one except maybe Edmundo and some Fox executives. She wants to prove she can stand on her own two feet, but she’s not going to. She expects that Edmundo will NOT pursue his feelings with other people, but nonetheless, she wants to take their strength and put it into their relationship.

What a freakin’ loon. He just told you that he wants to sleep around. And after all that, you’re going to keep him. Absolute idiot. Even Mark looks on in disbelief, dumbfounded.

But Ed’s not finished. He said that it’s not going to be easy leaving things that happened on the island behind. She says she will leave anything that happened on the island, to stay on the island. She won’t hold it over his head.

Mark interrupts, and asks them to please go the hell away already.

Coda: ”Moments after final bonfire, Catherine and Edmundo exchanged intimate details about their island experiences. Before the night was over, they decided to end their three year relationship.

Well, that’s more like it. I expected them to stay together, but for cryin’ out loud, these two were a wreck of a relationship. I’d like to add that ANY man or woman who dates either one of these losers after watching this show deserves every bit of the pain and heartache that they will receive as a result.

Also, the above coda proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Catherine is a liar. One of two things happened: a) She was upset at what Ed told her, which means she DID hold it over his head, or b) Edmundo was upset at what she told him, which means it was a HELL of a lot more than kissing and snuggling. He saw more than that. It’s possible that Ed changed his mind and called it off, but I doubt it. I don’t think he’d give up that high quality jackage, especially since he just got a “cheat on your girlfriend free” card.

Hey, I’m not saying that Edmundo was any better. They’re both slime.

Tommy & Nikkole:

Tommy doesn’t want to go first. Tough titty, says Mark. Nikkole is looking at Tommy like he’s a dead fish, which from what I hear isn’t far from the case.

Tommy says he didn’t really connect with anyone. Everything he did on the island was physical, not emotional. Well, that’s a relief, I was worried there for a minute. On the other hand, he saw some really intimate moments from her side of the island, like Tommy NY straddling her in bed. Nikkole rolls her eyes. Tommy says that the camera probably caught him in some interesting moments (Nikkole nods) but it wasn’t nearly as extreme as he saw with her (Nikkole rolls her eyes again. Okay, O.J., enough with the theatrics. And anyone who gets that reference gets a point).

He’s been trying for the last few days to figure out if her encounter was physical or emotional (hey, guess what? It was both!). He knows she’s a wonderful person, even though the audience never saw it. They don’t bring out the best in each other. He doesn’t want to break up like this, but it would probably be in their best interest (especially hers – his words, not mine) if they spend some time apart.

So he didn’t want to go first, and he’s saying he wants to stay together if she does. Dumbass.

Nikkole came to the island thinking the entire issue was about the marriage ultimatum she gave him. All they did was fight at the final dinner, and that bothered her. Well, then maybe you shouldn’t have acted like such a bitch.

She says if only Tommy would have sent that video message back in episode 3, she wouldn’t have been forced to throw herself grudgingly into the arms of Tommy NY. Yeah, granted, that was a pretty uncool thing for him to do, but to highlight that as the turning point in a four-year relationship? Nuh-uh.

She didn’t think Tommy cared, so she decided to open her legs to other people, which ended up being Tommy NY. She realized she deserved to be cherished, and she felt good about herself for cheating on her boyfriend. She does love Tommy, but realizes they’re no good together. She wants to break up.

They get up and start walking down the path. Of course, this means they went more than two seconds together without arguing, so Nikkole sets in.

She claims she HAD to cheat, what choice did she have after seeing him taking his pants off and getting in bed with that girl? She mentions the phantom condom wrapper theory set forth by Shannon in episode ten, which I didn’t mention because I thought it was ludicrous. Tommy correctly points out that there WAS no condom, and furthermore, yeah he took his pants off but had his boxers on. Yeah, but the girl was wrapped up in a towel, Nikkole says, in a futile attempt to win the argument.

Hey, remember back what I said about “rationalizing” by Nikkole in episode ten? I rest my case, thank you, drive through.

Tommy asks if the video showed what happened next, and Nikkole is forced to admit that the video stopped there. That’s because nothing happened, Tommy claims. Nikkole sighs, frustrated by the cold steel grip of logic, obviously a foreign concept to her. Tommy then mentions HER video, showing her spread-eagle underneath NY Tommy. Ouch. Nikkole says she doesn’t remember that. Hey, Susan, I guess Tommy NY can’t be all that good if Nikkole doesn’t even remember it!

The fact that the episode was shown over nationwide television apparently doesn’t faze Nikkole, because she counters with the damning evidence of someone’s crotch being in the general vicinity of Tommy’s face during the lap dance. And Tommy, bless him, says “at least she wasn’t spread-eagle underneath me!”

The argument continues as they walk back to whatever rock they crawled out from under.

Coda (and this one’s a DOOZY, folks!): ”Upon returning home, Nikkole packed her things and moved to Los Angeles. Two months later, she moved back to Chicago and is once again living with Tommy.”

So they’re still together. SUCKERS! I KNEW it was too blatant, they’ve been trying all winter to pull one over on us, and they fooled a great majority of the show’s audience with this one.

HA-HA, I WAS RIGHT, YOU WERE WRONG, NEENER NEENER NEENER!

So Tommy and Nikkole stayed together, and truly, no two people deserve each other more. Hey, how much you wanna bet they’re arguing right now?

Finally, after long, grueling weeks, this show mercifully ends. Allow me to thank all of you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. A great majority of the mail I received was positive and supportive, and I truly do appreciate that. You suffered along with me, and together, we’ve managed to get through this. It’s over now.

Almost.

Right now, I’d like to make a big announcement! Coming soon, RealityNewsOnline will be conducting an interview with everyone’s favorite temptor, Ali himself! Personally, I can’t wait and it promises to be a fascinating look into the show!

The big question in my mailbox this last week has been: will I be coming back to review any possible Temptation Island 3 series? The answer? HELL NO!

Unless…

See, I’m not proud. I can be bought. If I’m going to subject myself to this show voluntarily again, I’ll have to be bribed. So if you want me to review the next Temptation Island series, go to my Amazon Wish List and buy me something. Simple as that.

As a final word, I’d like to thank my wonderful girlfriend, Maria, for NOT being anything like any of the women on this show. Words can’t express how glad I am that we’re together. I love you, sweetie.

Mike DeGeorge will be covering Tough Enough 2, which starts officially on February 28. Look for preview columns in the coming weeks, and be sure to look for the interview with Ali, coming soon! Whether or not he covers Temptation Island 3 is up to you. You can reach him at mikmaria@swbell.net. Thank you for reading.

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