American Idol: Who Will Replace Dunkleman?

It was recently announced that Brian Dunkleman will not be returning to his cohosting duties on American Idol 2. Apparently, they could not come to contract terms. Ryan Seacrest, meanwhile, signed a deal reportedly for a million bucks. A million dollars? For doing what? I wonder what Dunkleman wanted.

Anyway, with Brian gone, we have poor Ryan without anybody to say, "And we're live." This obviously leaves a huge hole in the show that is American Idol, and so Foxes On Idol would like to step forward and provide some suggestions to help the show. Let's take a look at who they should get to replace Brian.

The most logical person to do the job is Paula Abdul. Why? Well, according to the American Idol book (you can see a full review by clicking here), the job of the hosts "is to give the viewers at home a break from the tension of the performances and the judges' critiques, but they also serve as a buffer and a sounding board for the contestants. … Ryan and Brian dry the tears and build up bruised egos. And they really do seem to care." When I read this, I immediately thought, "But that's what Paula did!" Lord knows her "critiques" were not exactly critical. And she didn't cause any tears (except for those she shed herself) or bruise any egos. Frankly, I think she'd be much more appropriate in the role of a hostess, where she could comfort the contestants, than as a judge, where she is supposed to, well, judge them - but often spends more time comforting them.

The one area where she would not meet the job criteria is in what the book says about Brian's job: "Brian is funny and always quick on his feet with an off-the-cuff remark." Let's face it, Paula had to hire a comedy writer to try to get some good lines, and even those she just kind of dropped into the mix because she has no real sense of comedic timing. Yes, even Brian was funnier than Paula.

Another possibility would be Tamika. Did I just see you shudder? Yes, then you remember Tamika. Apparently, some people found her funny. I found her incredibly annoying. OK, so maybe she is suited to be a cohost. But while she does have the fighting-with-the-judges thing down pat, I don't think she is capable of the "dry the tears" portion of the job description.

Looking through the roster of other potential candidates, what about Nikki? It wouldn't involve any singing (unless she steals the last note of a song from somebody again - and abuses it). She would certainly understand how the contestants feel after being criticized by the judges (not to mention writers on various websites!). Let's face it, she is not going to make a long-term living off of her singing, so she needs a good solid job. And this one wouldn't even require her to remove any clothing! (OK, yeah, low blow.)

Moving outside the realm of current American Idol folks, how about Anderson Cooper? Since we now know that he won't be returning to The Mole, maybe he could do this gig instead. It wouldn't require taking off any time from his main job at CNN, like The Mole would. And we've seen that he has a fun-loving side, such as when he danced around saying, "I love this game" after psyching out the players by telling them they still had an execution even after Elavia took the bribe and left. No, it wouldn't exactly contribute to the professional journalist image he has now, so that might be a downside. But since American Idol has been such a big news story, it would give him an inside track. Then again, he works for CNN, not Fox News, so that may be a problem.

Thinking along the lines of other reality shows, maybe Al Snow could come in from WWE Tough Enough and join Ryan. If anybody isn't practicing enough or performing up to their potential, he could body-slam 'em. And let's face it, there were enough hormone-driven guys watching the ladies like Ryan Starr and Nikki that I bet they would love to see a nice wrestling match between the women this time around.

Or how about Mark Wahlberg? Since Temptation Island seems to have mercifully come to an end (unless they do a "celebrity" version of it, like they have done with so many other shows recently - wouldn't that be amusing? But I digress…), he could take that compassion and caring he showed to couples under stress and focus them instead on single kids being stressed out by Simon Cowell. Maybe he could even get them to send videos to Simon, telling him how they really feel. Then again, maybe not.

Perhaps Ozzy Osbourne should drop in. I've mentioned several times that I think they should have "Heavy Metal Week" as well as the other genres they've covered. He could co-host, hobbling around the stage wondering what the hell is going on. If ratings get slim (which I doubt, but you never know), he could go back to biting the heads off of bats - or maybe even each week's loser.

And speaking of losers, what about Anna Nicole Smith? There is no way her show will be renewed, so she should have plenty of free time. And she probably won't actually get her dead husband's money until she is in her eighties, so she'll need a paycheck. She can cohost and be the one who gets really mad at Simon every time he says something mean. Hell, the way Smith throws tantrums, she'd probably even get mad at Paula Abdul!

Moving completely outside the reality TV realm, maybe they should hire the big dorky comedian that used to be on Full House -- that's who Dunkleman always kind of reminded me of anyway. It's not like he's had a full schedule since the show went off the air, so he'd probably be happy to do it for a fairly low fee.

Or, hell, what about me?! I'm always quick with a witty comment, and several readers have written in to say I should have my own TV show (yeah, I know, this wouldn't be my own show, but I could do like the judges say and "make it my own"). I'd do it for a fraction of the price that Ryan Seacrest is getting. And I'd know enough not to whine at Simon every time he makes a critical comment. Well, I think we have the answer! So, Fox, if you're interested in having a really good cohost this season, send me an e-mail and we'll talk!

David Bloomberg is the Editor of Foxes On Idol, and can be reached at rno@pobox.com.

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