Being Jeff Probstovich - Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 1: For Ryan, Out Loudby Lawrence AG Green -- 02/17/2003
"Being Jeff Probstovich" is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst. Check out the pre-season article for more background.
I caught up to Ryan just before he disappeared into the lush Amazonian jungle and out of the game forever.
"Hey Ryan, wait up. I have a few more questions."
"Jeff, I'm so disappointed to be taking the long walk of shame," Ryan said.
"Sooner or later almost everyone does," I said.
"Yeah, I know, but I had a game plan that I knew would work," Ryan said.
"Well, it clearly was a game plan that didn't work," I replied. "The Jaburu women kicked your asses. What happened?"
"I don't know. I don't know why I was voted out," Ryan said. "I mean, my ass was on the stove but Daniel was the meathead who really lost it for us."
"You said meathead."
"Earlier you said your ass was on the stove. You seem to have a predilection to speaking in meat and cooking metaphors. What gives?" I asked.
"Man, Jeff, I had eight guys and it was just one big sausage-fest," Ryan replied.
I asked, "Do you think that all of the sausage-swinging, as it were, over at The Tom Tom Club is what led to Jaburu winning the Immunity Challenge?"
"Jeff, no doubt," Ryan said. "And it's really, really rough losing to the girls - really, really rough. But like I said at Tribal, none of those girls are worth a million bucks. I appreciated looking at them. Thank you for wearing bikinis, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather have people in camp who were useful."
"But you have to admit, the women distracted you," I said. "And all that distraction didn't make you very useful. You couldn't even stand on the balance beam."
"Jeff, you're putting my ass on the stove here."
"Ryan, your ass is already cooked," I said. "It may even be burnt. So just give it up baby, which of the Jaburu women did you really want to hook up with? Shawna? Heidi? Jenna?"
"Man, when did you become Howard Stern?" Ryan asked.
"When did you guys start playing Survivor by thinking with your, well, sausages, instead of your heads? You should have learned the rules of the game by now."
"Good point, totally," Ryan responded. "Look, Jeff, all of the girls over at Jabber have unique qualities. Some more unique than others. Some are physically unique."
I chuckled, "That is a unique way of putting it."
Ryan got a little closer and spoke in a low voice, "Well, you know, I really have a thing for older women. I didn't want to say this during all that locker room talk at Tribal, but I really like that Janet. She seemed like a real strong, healthy woman. I got a good eye for these things. A little May-December romance, you know."
"OK," I said, "changing subjects ... quickly! Back to sausages, but not necessarily what you'd do with them, since you said it was just a big sausage-fest in your tribe, how would you describe the Tambaqui guys, in terms of sausage meats?"
Ryan said, "Hmm, let's see, Roger, he's like those spicy, Louisiana hot links, sometimes they're just too much to take, you end up blowing chow. Matt, he's a bratwurst, definitely. He's looks like he's German or something, or just constipated like he just ate a big one."
"Beer's good for digesting those brats," I added.
"Dave, he's definitely a big, gnarly kielbasa," Ryan said. "I think his self-righteous speech about honesty and integrity showed just how big a kielbasa he really is."
I asked, "You mean that big and twisted Polish sausage?"
Ryan nodded, "Definitely twisted." He continued, "Rob told me he was from Long Island, and he's like Italian, so he's a salami. And I think he'd like to Heidi his salami, if you know what I mean."
"The good thing about salami," I started, "is it fits into a lot of different kinds of sandwiches."
"Butch, being a grade school principal, is more along the lines of cafeteria-style, so he's more like Canadian bacon."
"Kind of bland and gamey, but won't overpower the rest of the plate," I added.
"Alex, man, I can't really tell whether he is a sausage or not," Ryan chirped.
"Not that there's anything wrong with that," I chimed in.
"And Daniel, unfortunately for him, he came in talking like he was the big sausage, but he ended up being nothing but a phoney baloney," Ryan concluded.
"And exactly what kind of sausage are you, Ryan?"
"All American hot dog!"
"Of course!" I exclaimed. "You're just a big weenie!"
"Well, when you put it like that - "
I cut him off, as is Jeff's wont to do, "Ryan, it's time to go. Beat it!"
He turned headed off into the dark jungle canopy, while I felt those familiar rumblings: I had to vacate Probst's head because my fifteen minutes were over this time around.
I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?
I'm being Jeff Probstovich.
Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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