The Mystery of the Survivor Lockbox

No, it’s not the latest Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys mystery, but it is the current hot topic on many Survivor message boards – just what exactly is inside that mysterious lockbox referred to on the season premiere of Survivor: The Amazon? The writers of RNO took their best crack at it and with contributions from David Bloomberg, Melinda Smith, Suzanne Tromblay, C. Brian Devinney, Ken Kellam III, Charlie Reneke, Phil Kural, Brian James, Sting7, Jen Shrader, Jeffrey Clinard, and Peggy Keller, here are the top 100 items (in random order of course) that we think will shock the cast members when they finally open the lockbox.

1. Ted's urinal. (Survivor: Thailand)

2. The nature phone. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

3. The first sealed envelope clue for The Amazing Race 4. (Amazing Race 4)

4. A copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

5. Sue Hawk's comedy career. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

6. Sean Keniff's brains. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

7. The evidence that Saddam Hussein is still making weapons of mass destruction.

8. Ken's conniving, backstabbing side. (Survivor: Thailand)

9. Junior Science Mortuary Kit for Jan. (Survivor: Thailand)

10. Pictures of Stacey Stillman with bull’s eyes drawn around her face. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

11. Clay's copy of Big Butt Beauties with the J. Lo centerfold (Survivor: Thailand)

12. Jerri's tact and diplomacy. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

13. Linda's bead necklace (the match for Kim P., Silas, and Lindsey's). (Survivor: Africa)

14. A copy of the forthcoming Grammar Is Your Friend by Melissa of Joe Millionaire. (Joe Millionaire)

15. Brian Dunkleman. (American Idol)

16. Pappy's purple stone. (Survivor: Marquesas)

17. Vecepia’s Bible. (Survivor: Marquesas)

18. Colleen Haskell's acting career. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

19. Muzzles for Rob, Daniel, and Ryan. (Survivor: The Amazon)

20. Stacey Stillman's surprise witness for her Survivor case. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

21. A life-sized Colby figure made entirely out of Hershey. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

22. Jackie Gayda's wrestling future. (Tough Enough 2)

23. Lindsey's Midol. (Survivor: Africa)

24. Gervase's acting career. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

25. Debb's self-restraint. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

26. Mojo's hat collection. (Joe Millionaire)

27. Richard Hatch's clothes. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

28. Corey Feldman's prenuptual agreement. (The Surreal Life)

29. Seven pieces of humble pie for the men. (Survivor: The Amazon)

30. Guide to Primal Scream Therapy, by Ghandia. (Survivor: Thailand)

31. Sonya's ukulele. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

32. Jeff Probst's credit card bill, complete with line item for $100 tip Paschal gave the service people on the ship. (Survivor: Marquesas)

33. A Belly’s 2-for-1 drink card. (Any reality show on TV)

34. Zoe's Playboy spread. (Survivor: Marquesas)

35. The Trading Spaces crew ready to makeover the shelters – Hildi with 6000 plastic flowers and Laurie with some amaaaaaaaaazing fabrics, y'all! (Trading Spaces)

36. The Florida votes Al Gore said existed to give him the 2000 presidential election.

37. Clarence's beans. (Survivor: Africa)

38. Robb's self-censoring mechanism. (Survivor: Thailand)

39. Chilltown. (Big Brother 2)

40. Lex's apology. (Survivor: Africa)

41. Keith's Big Book of Rice Cooking. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

42. 101 Pet Names for Boils, Warts, and Pustules by Big Tom (Survivor: Africa)

43. A satellite phone and GPS locator. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

44. Chuay Gahn's boat. (Survivor: Thailand)

45. Helen's recipes. (Survivor: Thailand)

46. Stacey Stillman with a subpoena (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

47. BB's clean underwear. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

48. Jessie Camacho's chap stick. (Survivor: Africa)

49. Paula Abdul's critical side. (American Idol)

50. Al Gore's 2000 Presidential Campaign Plans

51. Gossip Patricia. (High School Reunion)

52. The Younger Samburus' work ethic. (Survivor: Africa)

53. The film oeuvre of Brian Heidik. (Survivor: Thailand)

54. Brandon and Frank's Honeymoon video. (Survivor: Africa)

55. The last piece of meat Kimmi ate. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

56. The other half of the ashes of Anna Nicole Smith's husband. (The Anna Nicole Show)

57. Marcellas' Guide on How to Win Friends and Influence People. (Big Brother 3)

58. CBS's ratings expectations for the first season of Big Brother.

59. Sean's self-restraint. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

60. Samburu kids' alarm clock (Survivor: Africa)

61. The Stephanie that never showed up to Thailand. (Survivor: Thailand)

62. Eric from Big Brother 3's math skills (Big Brother 3)

63. Neleh's mint... she was saving the rest for later, or someone else. (Survivor: Marquesas)

64. Ghandia's dignity. (Survivor: Thailand)

65. Marcellas's soul that he hired Vincent Vega to retrieve. (Big Brother 3)

66. Gabriel Cade's perfect society. (Survivor: Marquesas)

67. Fox's reason why Frenchie was yanked from the program but Nikki McKibbin was allowed to compete last season. (American Idol)

68. Kimmi's deodorant. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

69. Beef jerky. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

70. The dossier of the Mole. (The Mole: The Second Betrayal)

71. Clay's alleged racial comment. (Survivor: Thailand)

72. The remains of Jerri Manthey's first agent. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

73. Silas's humility. (Survivor: Africa)

74. The formula for Classic Coke.

75. Zoe’s personality. (Survivor: Marquesas)

76. Alicia's bodyfat. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

77. An overly perky Paige Davis. (Trading Spaces)

78. Heidi from Joe Millionaire, hoarding all of the bathing suits and not letting the women have any of them to try on. Joe Millionaire

79. The water Susan wouldn't give Kelly if she found her practically dead. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

80. Larger box for Rob(b)'s ego (Survivor: Marquesas and Thailand)

81. Emergency urine supplied by Kathy. (Survivor: Marquesas)

82. Rotu 4's humility. (Survivor: Marquesas)

83. Nick Brown's air time. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

84. A can of Sierra Mist.

85. Kucha corn. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

86. Jeff Probst's real teeth

87. The Osbournes' neighbors. (The Osbournes)

88. Christi from The Bachelor swearing that she's not a basketcase. (The Bachelor)

89. Three boxes of Beetlegrub Helper (multiple Survivor editions)

90. Clarence's "Rock, Paper, Scissors" instruction manual (Survivor: Africa)

91. Sook Jai's fishing net. (Survivor: Thailand)

92. Evan Marriott's brain (Joe Millionaire)

93. Footage of why Erin was voted off. (Survivor: Thailand)

94. The identity of who left Donna Summer's cake out in the rain.

95. Super Pole 2000. (Survivor: Pulau Tiga)

96. The last vestiges of hope for a Celebrity Survivor.

97. Bobby Trendy. (The Anna Nicole Show)

98. Michael Skupin's medical bills. (Survivor: The Australian Outback)

99. Jimmy Hoffa

100. Osama Bin Laden

So what’s really in the lockbox? One day we will find out. But for now, it’s just nice to imagine.

C. Brian Devinney is a human resources consultant from New York City. When not reporting on reality TV, he can be found rooting on his beloved Yankees, writing in his online diary, Tales From the City, or designing new items for his online store BlogGear.com. He can be reached at TheRealityFactor@aol.com.

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