Being Jeff Probstovich - Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 2: Cereal Killed Herby Lawrence AG Green -- 02/24/2003
Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where sound bites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.
Janet seemed to be well-liked by the fellow members of the all-female Jaburu tribe. She showed physical resilience, recovering from early fatigue and sickness that left her weak and sobbing in the first few days in camp. And she also performed well in the challenges. But in Survivor, anyone who remembers Kel from the Outback or Clarence from Africa knows that if your tribe even hallucinates that you're sneaking food into camp, or stealing extra shares from the rations, then your goose is cooked. For Janet, a mystery bar of granola was the seed of her undoing.
Before Janet walked into the Amazonian jungle and out of the game for good, I hopped into Jeff's head and went after her for a few follow-up questions.
"Janet, hold on for a minute. I have a few more questions," I said.
"Hi Jeff," Janet said.
"So, you know it's always tough taking that long walk after you've been voted out. Are you surprised that you're doing it so soon?" I asked.
"No," Janet said, "Not really. I think I saw signs in camp earlier."
"What signs?" I asked.
"Jeff, I was exhausted and dehydrated and basically very sick for the first three or four days," Janet said.
"So Jaburu booted you due to illness?" I said.
"Yes, I believe so," Janet said.
"Well, why do you think you got so sick? It wasn't that little tiny fish your tribe caught, was it?" I said.
"No, it wasn't the fish. There wasn't enough of that teensie-weensie fish to even get stuck between two teeth, let alone make any of us sick." Janet said.
"But something you ate made you ill, right?"
"The manioc flour in our camp. First of all, Heidi was burning it, on purpose. She said something about giving it flavor that way." Janet said.
"Where I'm from we call people who burn food - on purpose - bad cooks," I said.
"Well, I didn't want to go there," Janet said. "But the manioc was rotten too. It had maggots, and I had trouble digesting it with the granola -"
"Granola? You said granola. What granola?" I asked.
"Granola? Jeff, I didn't say granola," Janet said, smiling uneasily. "I said 'The manioc flour in our camp had maggots and I had trouble digesting it, because I felt sick like I had ebola.' I used to be a nurse, you know?"
"Yeah ... sure," I said. "But didn't a mystery granola bar show up in the Jaburu community box after the rain?"
"Jeff, I guess so, I'm not really sure, candy bar, granola bar whatever it was. I'm not really familiar with that," Janet said. "What is granola anyway? Does anyone really know?"
"It's a tasty, all-natural, high-energy cereal, made of a rich mixture of rolled and toasted grains, nuts, dried fruits and honey," I said.
"Wow," Janet responded, licking her lips, "I sure could have used a few more - uh - I mean - one - of those in camp this week."
"Uh-huh," I said suspiciously. "So, did you learn a lot about yourself while out here in the jungle?"
"Yes Jeff, I did," Janet said. "I learned that if you're going through a midlife crisis, it would probably be better to get a new hairdo than to come on a show like Survivor."
"So, you're not an Amazon woman after all?" I asked.
"No," Janet replied, "I'm a Cancun woman. If people had been bringing me margaritas, massages, and sunblock, as I lounged on a beach chair under a big umbrella, I would have been more in my element."
"You're on Survivor, Janet. This is not I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" I replied.
"Well, how do I get on that show?" she asked.
"Janet, it's time to go."
"Bye Jeff," she said.
She turned and walked into the dark Amazon jungle. Her game was over and my 15 minutes as Jeff Probst was up. Until next week, it was time for me to go too.
I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?
I'm being Jeff Probstovich.
Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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