Being Jeff Probstovich - Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 3: Daniel My Brother, You Have More Votes Than Meby Lawrence AG Green -- 03/03/2003
Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.
In the end, maybe it was just the luck of the draw: Daniel, a wannabe-alpha guy, ended up in Tambaqui, a tribe full of alpha men. For one shining moment, when he started running his mack-daddy game on Shawna during a reward challenge, we caught a glimpse of what he could have been, a desperate man who probably would have fared better if there had been a few women around to rebuff his advances, instead of a shooting target for the good ol' drill sergeant, Roger.
I caught up to Daniel just before he began his hike into the jungle and out of the game forever. He did not look in the best of spirits, so I planned on keeping my questions short and to the point. There were still I few things I needed to know about his "experience of a lifetime."
Probstovich: Tongzhimen Survivor xin wen ge zai Meiguo ... oops, sorry, I was speaking in bad Chinese!
Daniel: You're more Chinese than me Jeff. Will you be my friend?
Probstovich: It's a little late for that, don't you think? I mean, your game is over, it's deader than a doornail, a fait accompli, the ticket is punched, it's finished, kaput, done, toasted, squashed --
Daniel: Alright, already!
Probstovich: No need to be rude. Now, please, Daniel, I just want to know a little more about your relationship with Roger.
Daniel: The guy stunk.
Probstovich: Hey it's just a game Daniel. Just because you lost is no reason to badmouth the guy.
Daniel: No, I meant he stunk! Like he smelled bad. He smelled bad enough to peel paint off of walls. He smelled like spoiled vinegar. I don't know what he was drinking out there but when it got hot you could smell him from a mile away.
Probstovich: And of course it's about 104 degrees out there so he was probably smelly all the time. You guys probably could have used the soap and shampoo from the Reward Challenge much more than the girls, eh?
Daniel: Well, in Roger's case, that's a given.
Probstovich: Do you think that his pungent odor had something to do with you two not getting along?
Daniel: I don't know where you're from Jeff, but in my house, if we have spoiled vinegar lying around, we throw it out. That's what I tried to do.
Probstovich: And instead, you're the one taking the long walk of shame. So what happened?
Daniel: Everyone in the tribe knew Roger and I hated each other, so we all knew it was going to be a vote of me against him.
Probstovich: Did you do enough to save yourself?
Daniel: Well, I tried. But it all boils down to Roger and his funky odor.
Probstovich: How so?
Daniel: I truly believe that when Roger was talking to the other guys in the tribe about voting for me that his stench was so overpowering it almost gassed them. So basically the only way they could get out of that situation and away from the little guy was to agree with him before his smell cut off all their airflow. You know, "Yes Roger this, Yes Roger that," and then get some clean air.
Probstovich: And you're sure these aren't just sour grapes?
Daniel: No Jeff, spoiled vinegar.
Probstovich: You said Matt was your friend, but the vote was 6-1 against you. That means Matt voted against you. With friends like that?
Daniel: Yes, but if you noticed, Matt was sitting downwind from Roger at Tribal tonight. He didn't backstab me, he caught the vapors.
Probstovich: OK, enough about your malodorous little nemesis. One other question before you go. I noticed quite a spring in your step at the Reward Challenge with the ladies. What was going on there?
Daniel: Shawna is in love with me. I could see that little twinkle in her eye when I went over to get the soap from her. She wants me.
Probstovich: Do you think you would have done better if you had been in the all-female tribe.
Daniel: Most definitely, Jeff.
Probstovich: But you'd probably have ended up doing all the work.
Daniel: Jeff, I would have been working it, if you know what I mean. And loving every minute of it.
Probstovich: Speaking of work, you were seen as lazy in your own tribe. Were you?
Daniel: Jeff, that's the Roger effect again. If Roger says I'm lazy then I probably am. But can I help it if the guy was a workaholic?
Probstovich: Don't you mean jerkaholic?
Daniel: That too. The guy didn't ask for things in a nice way.
Probstovich: Give me an example.
Daniel: Like he's always complaining about his sore back and his bunions. And he's like, "Daniel, massage my feet! Hey Daniel, come here and rub my back!" Barking out orders. Hey, if he asked nice, I would have gladly done those things, but he didn't.
Probstovich: So his reality seems to be that he's king of the tribe, and you're all his little pawns?
Daniel: Jeff, someone needs to stop payment on Roger's reality check.
Probstovich: Well, Daniel, thanks for the that. It's time to go.
Daniel: Tell Shawna I'll be waiting for her.
Probstovich: Yeah, sure ... (under my breath) ...in Loser's Lodge.
Daniel turned and walked into the jungle and out of the game for good. My fifteen minutes as Jeff were up, so it was time for me to go too.
I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council postgame interview next week. Who'll be voted out?
I'm being Jeff Probstovich.
Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at email@example.com.
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