Surviving the Amazon, Episode 4: Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!by David Bloomberg -- 03/07/2003
Day 10 opens on several sleeping beauties in Jaburu while the evil step-mother JoAnna sharpens her machete. I don't know about them, but I would be worried.
Jeanne is also up and says they had all agreed to wake up early to get the shelter built. Uh, yeah. Looks like that's happening. JoAnna complains to Jeanne that when it was her shift (presumably to watch the fire), she woke up to find no wood and the fire out. Jeanne goes to get wood, even though JoAnna says she did it yesterday.
Sleepyhead Shawna wakes up and says that every day she is woken up by two women (those would be the ones we were just discussing) shooting her looks like she doesn't do enough ever. And it's not limited to her. She says others in the camp are getting annoyed. To prove the point, JoAnna lectures about some stuff left near the sleeping area. This woman really knows how to do pretty much everything wrong if she wants to stay in the game, doesn't she?
Heidi says that while hard work gets you ahead in life, this isn't life - it's a game. And what gets you ahead in real life may not do it here. So if they want to do extra work, hey, go for it. She'll take a break and end up ahead in the game.
Over on Tambaqui, the men are fishing and not even getting a nibble. Dave says they are not maximizing their main food source - namely, the water. They've got to get some food. Butch says they came up with the brilliant idea to try to find some worms for bait. Wow. It only took 'em 10 days to figure that one out, eh? So they go on a worm hunt. Well, most of them go on a worm hunt - they leave Matthew behind. He says there is no reason for them to go on a long expedition; worms should pretty much be all over. But he also figures it's probably strategy on their part. He knows his biggest challenge is to overcome getting off on the wrong foot because he was friends with Ryan (gone) and Daniel (gone). He's often not included - on purpose. He figures they would vote against him if the vote were tonight. Anyway, they all find some worms, and even a baby scorpion.
Back at Jaburu, they are having some more luck catching fish. Heidi says the work ethic situation is creating friction in the tribe. The "bigger" women with more fat have extra energy to do more work. While the thinner women stay at home. Oy. But it gets better, just wait.
JoAnna provides a lecture to the youngsters that anything worth having is worth working for. Beauty is deceitful, a woman who praises the Lord is good. Beauty will fade, virtue and character last. Well, preaching at them is a good way to stay in the game, JoAnna. You just keep that right up. Heidi can't figure out what that little lecture had to do with anything except that they're cute.
You know, I disagree with JoAnna's preaching and lecturing - but Heidi can't figure out what that was about? Why do the words "dumb blonde" automatically float into my brain right now? Yeesh.
Jenna says JoAnna shouldn't be mad just because they have good bodies. Get over it. It sounds to me like the "cute girls" are the ones who need to get over something - namely themselves. But Jenna continues that she and Heidi have better bodies and that's a liability in a tribe full of women. Awww. Let's all feel bad for the swimsuit model.
To protect themselves, the cute girls are forming a cute alliance. Heidi says she has teamed with Jenna and Shawna because the cute little girls will be ganged up on otherwise. I know it sounds like I'm saying "cute" a lot, but, hey, I just report the show.
However, the cute girls can count - at least to four. (Math is hard.) Shawna says if the older women mount an offensive, they need to have a fourth player, so she uses her closeness with Deena to swing her to their side. Deena says they all talked about it and it's a great alliance for her. She has nothing in common with the young, fit, good-looking girls, but she will ally with them because she can persuade them to do things her way while she might not be able to with the more experienced women. Shawna says if the four of them stick together, JoAnna and Jeanne are in trouble. In fact, even if the four dislike each other, they'll still stick together as strategy. Remember these words.
The next day at the male camp, Matthew is fishing off of a log near the boat and pulls in a big peacock bass. Very nice. He says he has been reaching out to the others and thinks it is working. Alex says they have a strong group and can work together - they need to carry that to the reward challenge.
Nice segue, Alex. Here we are at that very challenge, where host Jeff Probst says they all know the value of fire in survival. This challenge will test their ability to make fire. There are four ropes, each attached to a portion of a tribal banner. Each tribe gets flint & steel, a magnifying glass, etc. to make fire. They have to make one at a time to burn through all four ropes. The prize is a refrigerator that they get to keep, and it's fully stocked with Coke, including Vanilla and Cherry Coke as well.
Jenna sits out for the women as everybody takes off to get fire-making objects, sticks, logs, etc. JoAnna immediately begins ordering the women around. When she gets fire going before the men, she, of course, thanks the Lord. The Lord then whips up the wind in the area, making it difficult. But the men still get their fire started.
Jaburu burns through their first rope and move on to the second. The men are standing around the fire to block the wind. Jaburu burns through the second before the men get their first. But then the men get it. And their second. Jaburu seems to have too many large logs rather than smaller, easier-to-catch sticks and twigs. JoAnna is getting mad and ordering people around some more. The men, meanwhile, are burning themselves almost as much as the wood by staying close to block the wind. But they pull ahead with their third rope and then just as quickly get the fourth. The men win! Cokes for all of them! Strangely, we don't see JoAnna yelling any hallelujahs…
When the women get back to camp, Deena summarizes it by saying, "that sucked." She says the group has never really been at their lowest before, but that was disappointing. Some are coping with it better than others. Shawna would be the latter. She lies on the ground saying she has no motivation, her body is sucking energy from her toe (huh?), she's so tired, she's crying, yadda yadda yadda. Deena says she allowed herself to become dehydrated and needs to get rehydrated. Seems simple enough. But Shawna keeps going. She's breaking. She feels like a blubbering idiot (well, guess what you're acting like!). Heidi says this is a crucial time and she can't be that sympathetic towards Shawna because they (the alliance) need her. More whining from Shawna - it's a crappy ass depression and she has to get out. She can't make it another 30 days. Etc. Deena just wants her to shut up, drink some water like she's supposed to, quit acting like it's the worst day of her life, stop whining, and get up already. She wonders - should she say alright and vote her out or keep her for the sake of the alliance? Shawna says if the vote was today, she'd be tempted to want out. Uh, yeah, I think we got that.
Over by the men, there is significantly less whining. Dave says the reward challenge win boosted morale, ended their losing streak, and showed they can work together. They find the fridge and count 23 cans of Coke in it. They roast up the big fish and have a virtual banquet. Matthew says the eyeballs shouldn't go to waste. Alex says he may be hungry, but not that hungry. Matthew eats 'em. Ick. Luckily, nobody seems to hold it against him the way Shii Ann's tribe held similar things against her last season. Overall, Dave says this was the perfect Survivor day.
And it's followed by a night of… singing! Rob apparently does karaoke in his basement, though it's not clear why. (Maybe he works for Nikki McKibbin, who knows.) So they encourage him to sing. He says he wishes there were some women in camp to sing to, but does it anyway and tells the others to join in. "You never close your eyes…" The guys make it about one line and then start to forget the words. They pick up eventually and get to, "You've lost that loving feeling…" Simon would have ripped these guys a new one.
Butch says he is enjoying himself with just the guys around - it's more comfortable this way. Roger says that Rob is the most enthusiastic kid he's ever seen, but he's really pathetic - a 24-year-old singing karaoke in the basement? Thank you, Mr. Judgmental. I guess it's better than being homophobic or racist.
Back in Jaburu, they get treemail while it's still dark. It's… a piranha. Hmmm. The message says something about being up at 4:30 for some fishing.
They all row to the immunity challenge - if it's 4:30 in the morning, it sure doesn't look it, but maybe it gets light early there. Anyway, Probst says another element of survival is being able to catch fish. So the tribes will have one hour to catch as much fish as they can, by weight. They get poles, bait, knife, pliers, hooks, etc. They are told there are a lot of fish out there, but the most common and likely to bite here is, of course, the piranha. He warns them that one of these can take a finger off, so don't get careless. The tribes are each given a spot, about 50 yards apart, where there are high concentrations of piranha. Whichever tribe has the most fish, by weight, at the end of the hour wins immunity and can keep all the fish. Shawna sits out for the women.
And they're off! Both tribes immediately start catching fish. Heidi tells Probst their strategy is to cut up some of the little piranha and try to catch bigger, heavier ones that way. It doesn't seem to be working. Dave says he and Roger make a dynamic combination where Roger catches one, pulls it into the boat, Dave applies a force to the fish with his heel, baits a new hook, and hands the pole back to Roger. Probst asks if there is any chance the women are outfishing them. The men, having finally learned their lesson about bragging against the women, say there is always that chance.
As the clock winds down, JoAnna hooks a branch with only 30 seconds to go. You'd think God would have given her something like, oh, I dunno… a big fish. After all, she always seemed to think He was on her side in these challenges.
Both tribes load all their fish onto a big scale, Probst removes the lock, and the men win!
When the women arrive back at camp to work on their final plotting before the vote, Shawna is light-headed and can barely walk. She says she could go either way - she is relieved that it could be her voted out tonight. Jeanne says she will vote off Shawna because she is weak and they need strength. She'll be sad to see her go, but Shawna needs her health.
Shawna says she knows Jeanne and JoAnna will vote against her, and probably Christy too. But she might have been bumped from the alliance now as they aren't consulting her, so she will vote on her own. This may be the first time in Survivor that we have seen somebody working so hard to form alliances to vote herself out! Oh, and remember how Shawna was talking about how they had formed and alliance and would need to stick together, etc.? Yeah, well, we see how long that lasted.
Deena says she feels bad for Shawna but she doesn't need to be a whiny baby. She doesn't feel good to think about keeping her there, but it's got to be about the overall alliance. JoAnna is the most physical and has too much force and power - Deena needs her off now.
So the alliance decides to talk to Christy. Yes, even Jenna speaks to her. Christy says it's a bummer that Shawna feels so bad, but Heidi tells her they need to vote out JoAnna, which will help Christy secure her position. Christy says privately that she feels like a free little bird. They want JoAnna out because she annoys them, but she also does work and helps feed the tribe. So which direction should she go? Shawna wants out and if they don't vote for her, they're trapping her there.
Time for Tribal Council. Probst says it's been a tough three days and notes that both challenges they lost were based on survival skills. Heidi says they were all surprised to lose because they had their act together and were ready to kick butt.
Probst takes them back to the last time they were at Tribal Council and says they had all agreed they needed a leader. What happened with that? Heidi (group spokeswoman today) says they talked about it and Jeanne "elected" Deena and the rest agreed. (Apparently Heidi doesn't understand the difference between "nominating" and "electing." They probably don't teach that in P.E. or Cute Girl School.)
When Probst asks if certain people are doing more work than others, Jeanne assures him it's an even distribution. Um. Okay. That's not what it seems to be, but whatever. She goes on to explain that they are in a routine and people do what they're good at. So JoAnna, Christy, and herself hunt (fish) while the others prepare the food.
Probst asks JoAnna if she has taken on a mother role. Yeah, mother of all annoyances. Oh, wait, that's not what he meant. She says no, she's left that to Jeanne and Deena. Instead she provides spiritual and emotional stability, sings, and quotes. Stability? Is that what she calls lecturing and preaching to those who don't want to hear? Interesting choice of words.
Deena is asked if she, as leader, has to assess the tribe. Yes - she knows who is doing well and who isn't. So, who is? Christy. She never complains, is always Johnny-on-the-spot, etc. Wow. Quite a difference from throwing branches at her feet a few days ago. Anyway, Shawna is not well, she says (shocker).
With that, it's time to vote! Heidi unsurprisingly votes for JoAnna, saying she's a strong competitor and since Heidi has an alliance with the others, JoAnna needs to go. Jeanne votes for Shawna because she needs some TLC. JoAnna also votes for Shawna, but only because Shawna asked her to. Deena votes for JoAnna, saying she's incredibly strong physically, mentally, and spiritually - but that also means she's Deena's biggest competition.
Probst reveals the votes. Four for JoAnna, two for Shawna, one to remain hidden. JoAnna is gone. Jeanne is not a happy camper.
JoAnna may not be singing "glory hallelujah," but I know I heard it from around the country! Oh, wait, actually she does sing it in her final words, saying she was very strong and the others were intimidated, especially Deena. She hopes the others survive without her. Hallelujah! Glory! Amen! Etc.!
OK, I'm confused. I thought God was on her side. That's what she kept indicating. So why give Him glories and hallelujahs for not keeping her in the game? I guess He works in mysterious ways or something.
Getting back to the game, Probst says on the outside they seem to have it all together, but tonight's vote says otherwise (what did he expect - unanimity?). He also tells them to not get too comfortable because you never know what's next. Aha! A hint! See below for how it goes with the previews for next week.
As far as the votes, it turns out that Shawna voted for Christy. Huh? My guess is that she didn't want to vote for JoAnna as she wanted to LEAVE. But she also didn't want to vote against somebody in her own alliance. So that left pretty much just Christy, and she knew the vote would be a wasted one anyway. My confusion is in why Probst didn't show it just to up the tension a little and have Christy wondering who was still voting for her.
Next time - Shawna feels trapped. Poor thing. Nobody respects the fact that she's falling apart. And Dave and Jenna have a date. Dave even goes on about how there is a naked girl in a shower that he can look into - it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to him. Um. Looking at a naked girl in the shower is the greatest thing that's ever happened to him? What is this, a remake of Porky's? This guy seriously needs a life.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll tackle that one next week. For now, join me in a rousing chorus of Glory Glory Hallelujah - JoAnna's torch has been snuffed!
David Bloomberg is the Editor of RealityNewsOnline and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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