Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 4: Hallelujah, Oh Glory, Hallelujah, Amen!

Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped, and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.

JoAnnna is not the first strong Survivor contestant taken out by an alliance of weaker players, and she probably won't be the last. But in her case she certainly did some things to put a big, red bullseye on her back. I caught up with her after Tribal Council to discuss where she may have faltered and what she could have done differently in order to stay in the game.

Probstovich: Were you surprised you got voted off tonight? A lot of folks would have thought it would be Shawna.

JoAnna: I'm shocked, but not surprised, Jeff. I am very strong. A lot of people found me intimidating, especially Deena. But that's the nature of the game of Survivor, to get rid of the person who threatens you. And Deena's smart, because I would have shut her down if she had stepped to me.

Probstovich: Your strong work ethic and religious belief didn't seem to work for you in the rain forest. Were the other members of your tribe just sinful little heathens, or what?

JoAnna: A lot of people in the tribe were there for other reasons. They were there because of the "I'm beautiful and I want the world to see my body" type idea. I just couldn't buy into that.

Probstovich: I guess you're not into the 'enhanced' look either. So, tell me, what's harder to stomach about being voted out: leaving a tribe where there majority of people depended on you bringing home the bacon, or fish as it were, or losing to a majority of people who just thought they were prettier than you?

JoAnna: I was extremely unaware of the fact that people thought that they were more beautiful or prettier than me, because I don't feel that way. I wasn't intimidated by them at all and my body is just as beautiful as anyone's out there, and it's in a natural state. And I do hope that those little emaciated girls will be able to survive without me catching the fish.

Probstovich: Fat chance on the fish! I want to ask you about some of your tribemates. Jenna, describe her in one word.

JoAnna: That trollop? Jeff, my belief in Jesus prevents me from speaking bad things about other people. But there were some trifling folks in the group.

Probstovich: Heidi, describe her in one word.

JoAnna: That strumpet? As I've said before, Jeff, my belief in Jesus prevents me from speaking bad things about other people. But there were some vainglorious folks in Jaburu.

Probstovich: Some of the people in your tribe seemed to think it was a beauty pageant? Isn't that strange, being out here in the middle of the Amazon rain forest?

JoAnna: Yes, Jeff, a lot of the people in my tribe had this agenda that they were going to be a spokesmodel or something. But beauty is deceitful and favor is vain and the woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.

Probstovich: You gave that advice to your tribe, didn't you?

JoAnna: Yes, I did. I told them that beauty will fade with time, that only your virtue and character is what will last, and also that a penny saved is a penny earned.

Probstovich: Do you think they'll heed that advice?

JoAnna: Unfortunately, Jeff, no. Anything worth having is worth working for, you can't expect stuff to just drop in your lap. But the majority of people left on the tribe thought that way. I tried to show that you can be strong and carry yourself well and there is life outside of Survivor. Of course, I was voted out, so what do I really know?

Probstovich: You know a lot about the game of Life, but unfortunately for you, this is the game of Survivor. What was the scariest thing you saw after being out in the Amazon for almost two weeks?

JoAnna: Without a doubt, watching the guys from Tambaqui suck up to the younger girls during that reward challenge when we won the soap and shampoo. It was like watching outtakes from Blind Date. Some of those guys have no game.

Probstovich: What was the hardest thing about your "adventure of a lifetime?"

JoAnna: You mean besides having to eat moldy, maggot-filled manioc cakes for breakfast every morning? The constant battles. You're fighting everything. You're fighting the elements. You're fighting hunger. You're fighting the fish that are stealing your bait.

Probstovich: Who knew there was so much fighting on Survivor? It sounds more like WWE.

JoAnna: You're fighting the other tribe. You're fighting each other. You're fighting feminine itch, and there's no convenient drugstore right around the corner. There's so many battles going on and you're just not used to that 24 hours a day.

Probstovich: You had some issues with having the immunity idol in your camp. What was the scariest thing about having the graven image of a pagan idol in your midst?

JoAnna: I came to represent the person I am and the faith I had, and the Bible says that you do not covet idols.

Probstovich: What if we had called it by another name, like the "immunity buddy," for instance?

JoAnna: Now that would have worked for me.

Probstovich: Survivor is a game of politics and at some point, you have to rely on alliances. What kept you from making alliances with more people out there?

JoAnna: Some of the people in the tribe didn't have the same standards and philosophies about the game that I had. I came to survive. I came to represent. I came to do what I did.

Probstovich: 'Do what you did?' You mean, get voted off fourth? Did anyone meet your standards?

JoAnna: I only saw about one-and-a-half other people who shared the kind of standards I had. In our tribe, Jeanne met those standards. Of course, so does Jesus Christ, but since he's a man, he wouldn't have been allowed our tribe.

Probstovich: I’d have to believe that Jesus would finish higher than twelfth place if He were on Survivor, and probably would have caught a lot more fish. But, Jeanne, I don't know about her.

JoAnna: Jeff, don't you blaspheme in here!

Probstovich: Alright, alright. So, if you had another chance to play Survivor, would you make an alliance with more folks the second time around?

JoAnna: Considering the types of individuals, I'd be careful about forming alliances until I was sure the people shared the same philosophies that I did.

Probstovich: Who was the scariest individual you encountered during your time in the Amazon?

JoAnna: I only really met him at that reward challenge, but, Roger.

Probstovich: Why?

JoAnna: He smelled like spoiled vinegar.

Probstovich: Anything else you'd like to say before you go?

JoAnna: Jeff, I get to go home, eat good food, and sleep in a real bed, while the rest of Jaburu sleeps in the rain and eats moldy manioc flour, with all kinds of bugs and critters – not to mention Heidi and Jenna – creeping all over them.

Probstovich: Kind of makes your skin crawl. Jenna, Heidi... ick!

JoAnna: Sometimes when you lose you really win. Hallelujah, Oh Glory, Hallelujah, Amen!!

Probstovich: Any shout-outs?

JoAnna: To God be the Glory! All the time.

Probstovich: Thank you, JoAnna. It's time to go.

She turned and headed into the darkened jungle and out of the game forever. And my fifteen minutes as Jeff Probst was up for another week, so it was time for me to go too.

I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?

I'm being Jeff Probstovich.

Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at: boycaught@lagtime.com

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