Surviving the Amazon, Episode 7: Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye!by David Bloomberg -- 03/27/2003
It's night 18 in Jaburu, just after Tribal Council. Deena says it was awful and they already miss Shawna's extra spark. Rob feels physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. He says Alex seems upset that Shawna is gone - maybe it's not the same without a 23-year-old girl in a bikini around, but perhaps he can get his head out of his ass and think about the game like he should. Ouch.
Later, Rob presents an idea to the rest of the tribe. Since he feels there will soon be a merge, he suggests the three guys go back to the other three guys and say they are all together, just as planned - that's why they got rid of Shawna. Meanwhile, Deena and Jenna get the two women over to their side and they all vote off Dave. Jenna says she knows she can trust Heidi, but she's not sure about Christy. Oh please, get out of your wicked step-sister mode already. Privately Rob says he doesn't like talking about strategy out in the open, but he wants to make sure these knuckleheads know what the plan is.
Deena says they should indeed go after Dave since he is physically the strongest. They don't want to give him a chance to win immunity. Rob wants Dave to go so Roger can see it coming and Rob can effectively tell him to just shut up.
The next day, treemail provides the key to the locked box that has been tormenting them these long days. They all run home to unlock it and find that it contains a note saying it's time for the merge. Rather anti-climactic. They will have to move to a new home, so they take what they're allowed and they're off.
Before Jaburu goes, Deena reinforces the order for voting people off: Dave, Roger, Butch. Rob says they shouldn't even let the others see them all talking together.
The two tribes meet at a small island, where they are told by host Jeff Probst that they will live as one tribe. Yes, it's a real merge this time. They get new red buffs, will have to make a new home, new name, and new flag. Christy seems very happy and Dave is excited because they have all made it this far.
They arrive at their new campsite and find a feast for all. Hot dogs, beer (Coors Light, of course), and much much more. Dave says it's time for new friendships and excitement, and nobody is thinking now about who's next. Heh. Yeah, right, Dave. You just keep thinking that.
Deena comes up with the name Jacaret (or something like that), which is Portugese for alligator. Nobody opposes it, so that's who they are. Roger wants to quickly end the feast so they can build shelter. He also focuses on how to keep the food cold while the other guys are concerned about keeping the beer nice and icy. He admits he was getting ticked off.
Alex says the problem with Roger is that he's an ass. He's loud. He's obnoxious. He's bossy. He thinks he knows everything and he wants to be the dictator, yelling at everybody. Yo, Alex, don't hold back - tell us what you really think!
The group begins discussing location for their shelter. Deena and some others are concerned that they are too close to the water and alligators could come up to visit. Roger says no, it's not a problem. Deena says her training said yes it is. Still, it appears Roger wins out in the end. After all, she's a woman, so what does she know?
Rob says Deena is a strong woman who can argue her way out of any situation; Roger just wants to hear himself talk. Roger thinks women are stupid; Deena thinks women are better than men. Meanwhile, Deena is privately making fun of Roger ordering people around. For that matter, Christy is griping in a joking manner to the camera about how it's a "man thing" to work on the shelter and it pisses her off. She wants to be part of the team doing the shelter work.
Rob finds it interesting to see what people are doing. Some are building the shelter, some - like him - are building alliances and looking towards the end of the game. He'll see if those building the shelter are there to use it in six to nine days.
Originally, as discussed above, the plan had been to get rid of Dave. But now that the women are getting some direct experience with Roger, they want him out. Heidi, who has had the most, says they can't let Roger on the jury because if he's there, it's an automatic vote against any woman if they're up against a guy. Deena agrees. She says because they have breasts and estrogen, they must be so far inferior to him in his view. Screw him.
Oblivious Roger, meanwhile, says the original game plan was for the six guys to go against the girls, and it almost seems too easy - something will probably happen. Yet he doesn't seem to actually do anything about it. Dave agrees that the plan is for the six guys to eliminate the four girls. They will vote off Christy first because that's the way the old alliance voting was going. Huh? That totally lost me. I'm guessing it came from Heidi. Anyway, he also notes that Deena should worry because she's always butting heads with Roger.
Alex talks about how Roger believes all the guys are together, but Roger is first on the list now. Matt says this is a tough game and you have to identify the people you can trust and stick with 'em. He is comfortable with his alliance and thinks it will hold to the end. Alex says once it gets down to the five of them, they'll sort it all out at that time.
Night comes and much more beer is consumed. Rob notes that everybody is festive except the one guy snoring away - Roger. He is also disappointed that the girls aren't drinking more because that's his only chance to score with them.
Discussion turns to sex and Christy is asked where the strangest place she's ever had sex was. She says it was at the fireworks on the Fourth of July. Dave privately notes that it was great to be swapping sex-talk stories. But Rob really dislikes Dave (there's a newsflash), saying Dave thinks he's really slick and smart, a real ladies man. He hopes the girls are solid enough to stand up to him.
The sex stories eventually get around to Rob, who says he doesn't have many good sex stories. Privately he says he hardly has any sex stories. Most involve him and a fat girl. I'm sure anybody who has ever dated Rob just loves that. At one point the story at camp turns to him unable to ask a girl for a threesome. Heidi chimes in that he'd be surprised, if he said something, at how quickly women would go for it. She asks Jenna if she agrees. Yup. Many young men in Heidi's school district now suddenly have a whole new view of her, and bathroom stalls are going to be busy places after P.E.
Rob finds himself rethinking the final three since he has found out about Heidi's and Jenna's ideas on threesomes.
It's morning, and as the rest of the camp is still sleeping - emphasized with many shots of empty beer cans - Roger is up and chopping… loudly. The others groggily give him very dirty looks. Rob says Roger has no idea how much of a jerk he is and how nobody likes him. Deena says she and Rob engineered a turnaround - it's no longer a battle of the sexes, but a battle of weaker vs. stronger. Roger is so freaking cocky. She says the top three are her, Rob, and Jenna. I wonder if Rob has asked her how she feels about threesomes…
Deena continues on her semi-rant as Dave, Matt, and Butch are reeling in the fish. She says Roger, Butch, and Dave think they have the game all sewn up. But she's going to play 'em hard and beat 'em at their own game. She won't just lie down, the game is hers. Roger is gone first and then Dave.
But first there must be an immunity challenge! They row out to a boat where Probst awaits them. He says this one is all about willpower. I disagree - as we'll see in a second, it's about willpower and leg strength. The challenge is to stand on a four inch by twelve inch perch in the middle of the water. If they jump or fall off or their hands touch the perch, they're out. Last one standing wins.
As the game begins, Roger almost falls off immediately, but regains his balance. Butch says his old bones aren't what they used to be. Probst reminds them that they know what might be in the water, so when they go in, they need to swim quickly over to the boat. Yeesh. He also says there will be some temptations along the way.
Here is where things get a little weird. Jenna says she'd take her clothes off for some chocolate and peanut butter. Rob yells tersely, "Get the girls some chocolate and peanut butter, Probst!" Heh. Heidi says she's in, too. So Probst produces two ice cold colas (what happened to Coke as a sponsor?), a heaping plate of peanut butter, and chocolate cookies. The girls start stripping. Butch keeps saying, "I'm not looking!" Probst mentions that nobody is looking, but Dave says he certainly is! And Rob mouths, "Wow!" Lots of pixelation here, folks. Tops and bottoms, both off. And once again those bathroom stalls at Heidi's school district will be even busier - pause and rewind buttons will probably be worn off of VCR remotes as well as attempts are made to see if the pixelation is complete.
After the strip act, both Jenna and Heidi jump in and swim to the boat to get their winnings. Now, as I said, this is the weird part. Probst was going to offer food - everybody knew that and he even said so. So why did they have to strip to get it? Was something edited out that explained this strange behavior? I'm not really sure. But, hey, the guys there certainly weren't complaining (well, other than Butch).
A few minutes later, Roger says he's had it and notes that it "won't be as spectacular as the two women" as he jumps in. Jenna gives a quick thumbs-up to Deena, who returns it. Mind you, Roger got nothing for dropping out when he did.
The rain rolls in, along with wind. After a total of an hour, he offers up piping hot pizza. Butch, Rob, and Alex all jump in to share the prize. At an hour and a half, the wind and rain still whipping around them, Deena yells, "Is this all you got?!" Probst asks her how long she thinks she can last. She replies that she outlasted Roger and that's all that really matters. Heh.
At the two-hour mark, Probst offers hot buffalo wings. Dave and Matt jump in. This leaves only Deena and Christy.
At two-and-a-half hours, a plate of spaghetti and meatballs are put up. Christy asks if garlic bread is included, but it's not. Apparently, that was the make-or-break item. But wait - she and Deena agree to split the food. One has to jump in, though. They do the old Clarene/Teresa method and play rock/paper/scissors. Christy loses and jumps in. Deena wins immunity! Probst notes that Deena negotiated like only an attorney could - she gets both the food and immunity!
Later, Rob says he knew the only way Roger could win immunity would be if the contest were "Name That Perry Como Song" or what type of prune is this or something similar. Alex says it worked out better than expected - naked chicks, pizza, and Roger jumping off and getting nothing! Roger has no idea he's going.
Deena finds it amusing that poor Roger is making all sorts of plans for later that night, but he's going home and doesn't know it. For his part, Roger says the women are going - it's that simple. It looks like it's all falling into place.
Jenna and Heidi seem very proud of themselves. Jenna says they are the original "Survivor girls gone wild." (Coming soon to a porno theater near you!) Heidi says they are "the Amazon chicks." (Watch soon for their Playboy spreads.) Jenna thinks it's so funny that the guys think they will be picking them off (just for the record, only three of the guys actually think that - I thought we'd established that Heidi could count to four, but perhaps we're backsliding).
Dave says all four of the women realize they are going quickly and won't be surprised. Heh. Well, no, they won't be surprised at all, rocket scientist.
Rob says he figured out early on that the other guys were a bunch of jamokes. They have no idea the women are capable of taking them all out. He says he knows he will be the last man standing, as none of the other guys have any idea what is going on around them. (Before you say that Alex and Matt do, remember that they don't know about Rob's alliance within an alliance with Jenna and Deena. Then again, I wonder if Rob still thinks Jenna will pick him and Deena over Heidi…)
It's time for Tribal Council - otherwise known as "Roger's Comeuppance." Probst begins with Butch, asking what the tribe's first order of business was upon being merged. He says it was to "establish a place of residence." And he wanted to include everybody. Well, was everybody included? Rob says they all had a part to play. And if they didn't know what they were good at, there were a couple people who would tell them what to do. They did get the shelter up pretty quickly, though.
Probst takes Rob's oh-so-subtle hint and asks if he is suggesting there were bossy people or Rob just likes being subservient to people who decide what to do. Ever cautious, Rob says he likes being subservient. Hey, no point in pissing off Roger just in case something goes wrong with the planned vote, right?
Deena says they didn't need to be the ones actually putting together the four corners of the shelter, because they had a chance to re-bond with one another instead. Probst turns to Roger, describing a "smug look" on his face. Roger says you can't have too many Indians doing the work.
Moving on, Probst tells Jenna that she and Heidi provided the highlight. But aside from getting naked for peanut butter, they were the first two off not long into it. Where did their confidence come from? Jenna says if one of them were to be kicked off because of not hanging in there, it was worth it. Heidi agrees. (I'm sure Rob and Alex and Matthew and Dave agree as well!) As for Roger, well, he says he knew he was not going to win anyway so he figured he might as well jump. Probst asks him if he knew he needed it, would he have hung in longer? Roger replies that if he felt he needed to, he would have given it his all. Poor oblivious Roger…
It looks like immunity can once again be "assigned" to somebody else. But Deena chooses not to. Viewers everywhere wonder why this was brought back since it's never been used.
Time to vote. We see Roger vote for Christy, saying he wishes she'd hung in there because she contributed greatly to the tribe. Deena votes for Roger, saying, "Reality check and mate. Never underestimate the power of a woman." And we get what is certainly the funniest voting speech ever.
Rob votes for Roger and says, in a Casey Casem voice mimicking his Top 40 show, "Here comes tonight's long distance dedication. It goes out to Rob from New York. He writes, 'Dear Casey, there is a mean old man in my life that's about to leave. Can you please play something appropriate for me?' Well, Rob, here's your request." He then begins to sing, "Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye…"
The votes are counted. Things are going the way Roger expects as he gets one, then two, then three, then four. OK, those are the female votes, so the rest should be for Christy, who has three showing, right? Wrong. Five. Uh oh. And six. Bye, Roger!
Butch looks stunned. Dave is wondering what the hell is going on. Jenna smiles. Rob mostly keeps a straight face, with a tinge of a smirk.
In Roger's last words, he acknowledges some of his faults, saying he is a very strong individual and a leader - he can't hold that back. He said from the beginning that he is his own worst enemy in this game because he can be very strong-willed. But he'll never see these people again in his life (I guess he forgot about the finale, the post-finale shows, etc.). He doesn't think he got outwitted or outplayed, but he was definitely outlasted. Um, okay Roger, but how do you suppose you were outlasted? I have an answer - you were outplayed and outwitted.
I have to say, this was a fun episode. I like the way the producers didn't even try to make us think there was a chance that anybody other than Roger was going. They just took us along for the ride and let us share the inside joke as we watched him - kind of like watching Joe Millionaire. As Mike DeGeorge said to me, this was good writing: You introduce the villain, make the audience hate him, and let us cheer when he loses!
Next week, Matt loses touch with reality and is repeatedly sharpening his machete with a wild look in his eyes. Ooooh, scary. And I'm sure nothing is taken out of context there! Also, Heidi and Dave are "in touch" with each other - which annoys Rob because she's supposed to be in his alliance against Dave. Looks to be interesting - and it's back on Thursday again!
David Bloomberg is the Editor of RealityNewsOnline and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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