Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 10: Silence Is Golden

Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped, and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.

Well, I had to take the kid gloves off this time. I found myself with very little sympathy for poor Alex's plight. He had held the keys to the game in his grimy hands. All he had to do was keep his mouth shut. Life deals everyone tough lessons, but it must be twice as hard to learn that silence truly is golden in front of 20 million strangers. I was determined to probe Alex and try to understand what he could have been thinking -- if he was thinking – when he blabbed his voting plans to Rob.

I caught up with him at the bottom of the staircase that leads into the jungle, at the start of the Long Walk of Shame.

Probstovich: Alex, dawg, I don't know, you didn't come with it tonight. You weren't doing your thing man. I'm not feeling you, dawg.

Alex: Who are you, Randy Jackson? What is this, American Idol?

Probstovich: Ooops, sorry. Wrong reality show... Alex, what were you thinking out there, brotha?

Alex: I was thinking I was going to become a millionaire in a few days, and then Rob stabbed me in the back.

Probstovich: Of course, you did tell him ahead of time that you'd vote him out if both of you got to the Final Four with Jenna and Heidi.

Alex: I know, Jeff: duh! Me and my big mouth.

Probstovich: Exactly why was it so hard for you to just keep quiet and say nothing about your endgame voting strategy to Rob?

Alex: Overconfidence. Hubris. Brain lock. Amazingly huge cojones. Take your pick, dude.

Probstovich: All of the above.

Alex: You got me man. I think I was still buzzing from all that coffee I drank at the previous reward challenge with Jenna. I'm a full-on coffee snob, but caffeine and manioc just don't mix. You're sky-high for days!

Probstovich: Well, you have to give Rob some credit. The guy was thinking with his head.

Alex: Dude, Jeff, he was thinking with his other head. He saw me as a threat, not to winning the game, but to that menage a trois he hopes to have with Heidi and Jenna on Night 37.

Probstovich: So ultimately that's what you guys were really playing for?

Alex: Totally, Jeff. If those girls stripped for cookies, what do you think they'd do for a chance at (sticks his pinky into the side of his mouth) one-million-dollars? Rob was obviously frightened by my overpowering machismo and my oh-so-suave way with the ladies.

Probstovich: Alex, I can tell under all that scraggly beard growth, and funk of 30 days without a shower, that you're a good-looking guy. Some even say that you resemble me from a long time ago, when I didn't need a golf cart to get to the set, which would make you a very, very good-looking guy. You're athletic, relatively young. If you wanted to meet chicks to hook up with, why come out to jungle and do it? What's the logic in that?

Alex: Jeff, I came out here to be who I am. I'm a competitor. I wanted to win the million dollars. But along the way I met these really cool people, like Shawna, Heidi, and Jenna, and they all told me that they were totally into me. So I just went with what came naturally. Was there some romance in the air? Yeah, a little. Did it distract me from the game? Yeah, a little, well... alright, a lot!

Probstovich: What's the first thing you're going to do when you get to Loser's Lodge?

Alex: Find out where Shawna's staying. Totally.

Probstovich: So now you'll be on the jury, and you'll be there with Deena. She was an alliance partner until you turned the tables and voted her out. What are you going to say to Ms. Deputy District Attorney when you see her?

Alex: You have the right the remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

Probstovich: Kind of sums up your game it a nutshell, eh?

Alex: Yeah, I guess it does. But I have no regrets. I had a blast.

Probstovich: Alex, it's time for you to go.

Alex turned and walked into the dark Amazonian jungle and out of the game forever.

My fifteen minutes of floating inside of Jeff's head were up. But I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. We're getting closer to the prize. Who'll be voted out next?

I'm being Jeff Probstovich.

Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at boycaught@lagtime.com.