Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Sole Survivor Predictionsby Lawrence AG Green -- 05/07/2003
Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.
I've seen them all up close and personal. I've gotten a chance to whiff their not-so-charming au naturel aromas. I've seen them compete in the challenges for rewards and immunities. I've seen them stumble for words in all of the tribal councils leading up to this moment, and since I only get 15 minutes at a time inside the wonderfully inscrutable head of host Jeff Probst, I strongly believe that now is the time for Sole Survivor predictions.
I asked each of them why they felt they deserved to win the game. Below, I report exactly what they said to my -- uh -- Jeff's face, and then I tell you where I think they should finish. Of course, these are just my opinions, but remember one thing: I've seen these players up close through Jeff’s eyes, often in their worst moments.
Matthew Von Ertfelda
Probstovich: Matthew, you've had a target on your back since Day One. You've truly 'survived' to get to this point. Why will you be the winner?
Matt: Good ol' Matteo, that's me, I’ve been the ultimate Survivor badass. I'm crazy. I have a crush on myself. I feel like God sometimes. Not only have I caught more food for the tribe than any castaway in the history of the game, but I've very cleverly avoided the chopping block on more than a handful of occasions. I am the Rasputin of Survivor. I've duped Rob into thinking that I'm a buffoon when it comes to strategy and not much of a threat, so I'll be carried to the finals on the good graces of others.
The Skinny: Studly Matteo is the ultimate Survivor tool: use and discard when the time is right and that time is now, or as soon as possible, whichever comes first (for reference: see Ted, Clarence, Dr. Sean).
Probstovich: Pretty woman, walk on by, pretty woman, tell me why you will be the winner. After all, anytime another player made moves to solidify their place in a game where only one person can win, you've called them selfish and then made countermoves to solidify your own place in the game by booting them. Do you stand on solid ground for winning the game right now, or just thin ice?
Jenna: I may have given away all of my tribe's secrets to Dave. I may have chafed when all of the guys drooled over Shawna instead of me. I may have called Deena a fat pig, as I noshed on fruit, pastries, and coffee. I may have stripped for peanut butter and Oreos, which costs what, about $3 at Safeway? I may gotten pissed off at Christy when she dared to bid for a letter from home, even after she had gotten no food and I had stuffed my face with chocolate and peanut butter again. And I may have gotten ticked off when people thought that I couldn't survive out here by myself or that I use sex as a weapon. But I've never done any of those things behind anyone's back. I have morales, after all I was a cheerleader.
The Skinny: No one, except for Heidi, really likes her.
Probstovich: Butch, we learned that silence is golden, and it's a rule that you've followed since the start. So tell me why you deserve to be the Sole Survivor?
Butch: Shhhhhhhhhhh! I'm like a link in a chain. I believe in myself. A guy can get far on passive, self-delusional thinking like that.
The Skinny: Somewhere along the way you have to play the game; Butch, we're still waiting.
Probstovich: Robasue, you've played the game exactly the way it should be played: you learned to adapt. You are a true student of the game. You lied, you schemed, you lied, you plotted, you lied, you told the truth, you lied. Like I said: you adapted. Bravo. Have you done enough to win it all?
Rob: Unfortunately, Jeff, people overrate these things called 'lies' in the game of Survivor. What is a lie but a truth turned the other way? If I'm wearing a baseball cap and I put it on backwards, does that make it any less of a baseball cap? I, I, I think I deserve to win because I told people what they wanted to hear and then when they got out of earshot, I said what was really on my mind. Also, I, I, I think that with a million dollars I could talk to a lot of really hot chicks and that some of them might even go out with me.
The Skinny: He got into an open argument with Jenna; no one seen in an argument has ever won.
Probstovich: I know that you feel like you don't deserve to win it all, and you're probably not alone. You looked down your nose at women who were harder-working, who had higher percentages of bodyfat, lower percentages of silicone, and who may have not been as cute as you. You went topless, and bottomless ... for cookies. So, in the end, what have you done to deserve the title of Sole Survivor?
Heidi: Jeff, I'm between a rock and a hard stone. If anyone needs the money, it's probably me. You may not have noticed but, well, they're asymmetrical, and I need to get them fixed. But, honestly, Jeff, I think that this is a game. What we do in this game is not what we do in life. I think that everyone has been a snake in this game, except me. So, like, whatever. I'm totally the lesser of all evils.
The Skinny: Blondes have more fun.
You take the low road. I'll take the Heidi road.
Make no mistake, any of the five who remain can win it all. But still, as in all games, there are those who stand a good chance, and those who stand a snowflake's chance in hell. Of course, in some visions of hell, there are deep walls of ice. It is anyone's game.
Get your popcorn and your favorite drink, grab the remote and get comfortable in front of the television set. The rollercoaster ride to the finale of Survivor: The Amazon is sure to be an entertaining treat.
I'll be back after it's all said and done to recap the finale and to hand out the season-ending awards.
I'm being Jeff Probstovich, and my fifteen minutes are up.
Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at email@example.com.
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