Paradise Hotel, June 23: She May Have a Single Bed, But There's Always Room in the Closetby Jeffrey Clinard -- 06/24/2003
Welcome back to Paradise Hotel. When we last left our hotel guests, they were paired up and placed into bedrooms as follows:
Melanie and Scott: Yellow Room
Remember, the person in the single room at the end of the week must check out, so the only way Charla is staying is if she manages to steal a guy away from one of the other girls. Yes, folks, the pressure is on for Charla to go as far as it takes to get some guy she hardly knows, while the pressure is on the women to keep their men by any means necessary. All except perhaps Melanie, who impressed me last week by plotting with Charla, on the intelligent theory that by plotting with her, Charla won't start plotting against her. Of course, things have a way of changing in paradise...
Host Amanda starts off in the studio and tells the audience that somebody tonight will be selected by the guests to join them at Paradise Hotel… but first, there has to be an expulsion.
As we reenter Paradise, we see Zack, who isn't at all shy about kissing every girl in sight. Melanie gushes that she loves Paradise Hotel. It's her favorite place in the world - she never wants to leave! Scott puts suntan lotion on one of the girls and muses that Charla is going out because nobody else rooms with her. She's staying alone. He feels for her, but thinks that everybody has roommates they like. In a flash of brilliance, he realizes that she needs to come between a couple and break them up. Figured that out all by yourself, Scott?
Meanwhile, Amanda is putting suntan lotion on Beau as he asks her if she thinks she'll stay in Miami. She likes Miami, and would only move if she hooked up with somebody. She thinks her mom would like him. She also thinks he's adorable. How cute.
Next, the gang is all together at dinner, and Melanie wants to do a “butt check.” This is something she's been wanting to do all day long. So the guys line up for an examination, and the women start grabbing and feeling up the guys’ rear ends. Then the guys huddle together (what are they conspiring to do - a breast check?) and the girls confer about the guys’ butts. The winners are... third place: Andon. Second place: Scott. And the winner is... Zack, who is now captioned with both his name and “Best Ass.” (Perhaps they should have left out the “Best” part.) That leaves Alex and Beau musing that they have the worst asses. Oh yeah, the fun never stops at Paradise Hotel.
After that, it's 9:30 and apparently drink time at the hotel. Andon pulls Charla over; apparently the possibilities of Charla being the odd woman out have occurred to him. He tells her they connect on the intellectual level and on the physical level. “Maybe we'll try to push that forward a little bit,” he continues. Charla asks him, “Push what forward?” (Hint: the proper translation is “Put out, and I'll dump Toni for you.”) He tells her, “Somebody else getting into you so you can stay here.” Take that literally or figuratively. I'm taking it literally. Charla comments that she doesn't want to leave, but she could be the one ejected. She goes on to say that it's hard for her to be accepted the way she is; everybody expects her to be like the other girls and she's not. She wouldn't be surprised if every person there didn't like her. She then calls the men a bunch of sixteen-year-olds: all they talk about are boobs and they act like retards (cut to a scene of them acting like retards). She prays to God that some of these people are sick of each other. Which leaves me wondering if maybe she's too classy for the place, but for some reason she still wants to stay. Mixed signals, to be sure.
Now it's Beau and Amanda in their room sharing a mirror while Beau shaves. He claims he and Amanda have connected, but that he also hasn't really met anybody else. He tells that to Amanda, who asks him if that entails swapping roomies. He then responds that for one week, he just might need to get away. Wrong move. Amanda immediately retorts, “That pisses me off like you have no idea!” He leaves the room and she gets out of bed, clearly angry. Could there be trouble in Paradise?
Next up: Charla & Zack talking by the pool. Zack tells her they could always go to her room. She replies it doesn't mean anything, then leads him to her room. Meanwhile, we see Andon & Toni in bed together. Zack & Charla are soon in bed together as well. Charla kisses Zack; just then there’s a knock at her door. Zack hides in the closet as Charla opens the door. It's Andon. She gets back in bed; Andon joins her there and says, “Look at you - You're gorgeous!,” while a little arrow points out the closet where Zack is hiding. Hee hee - this is getting interesting! Andon tells Charla that she's definitely one of the hottest girls at the resort. She replies that there are only six girls (apparently host Amanda doesn't count). She says watching all the couples makes her want to vomit. Andon then claims he and Toni are not a couple. “Whatever,” replies Charla. He tells her that maybe she's reading a little too much into Toni and himself. Cut to Toni sleeping alone, then back to Charla, who says she doesn't want to leave. “I know,” replies Andon. “Nobody wants to leave; I'm just starting to feel better,” explains Charla. Andon tells her she can trust him. He then tells her that just between him and her, he wants Melanie to leave (remember, Zack is hiding in the closet and overhearing everything, plus, the audience is in on the joke). Charla asks Andon what he would do if he were her. “Honest to God, I have no idea,” is his reply. “You're treading on ground nobody else has - I have no idea what I'd do in that position.” Um, just let me say that if I were in Andon's shoes, I could figure out a few things Charla might do in order to stay. I'd say more, but this is a family website.
At breakfast the next morning, it looks like the eating is sex-segregated - all the better to allow the producers to eavesdrop in on private conversations between the guys and the girls. While the girls eat, a staff member delivers an envelope to Charla, compliments of Paradise Hotel. The rest of the girls look on while Charla opens it up. She reads it to the group: “Today you will be going on a private luxury excursion with the guy of your choice.” The girls all look at her - and each other. Somebody's guy is on the line. “Pick whichever guy you want. He can't say no.” Woo hoo - looks like it's guy-stealing time for Charla! The other women are NOT happy.
So which guy will it be? She flutters around with envelope in hand and checks out all the guys in turn. She ultimately chooses Andon. Cut to Toni, who is pissed off about it. She feels like she's been stabbed with a knife! Well, that's what most reality TV shows are about, aren't they, Toni? You of all people should know that by now.
Andon and Charla head out to sea on a yacht. Andon is impressed; he says this is the best. He thanks Charla for picking him and they hug. Charla wants to look at the ocean instead of the bedroom. I think Andon was hoping it would be the other way around. So they sit on deck and remark how they never see stuff like this in Colorado or Minnesota. Andon then starts channeling Zack and says out of anybody she could have chosen, it should have been him. Ah yeah - declared third in the “Butt Check” contest, now on a private yacht. They sun themselves, hold hands, jump in the ocean, and generally have a good time.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Amy wants to tell Zack something. While she thinks he's a really cool guy and has a really good time with him when they are alone, she still feels awkward. He's not in the best of moods (perhaps he thinks Charla should have picked him?), so he snaps, “Sorry!” She says she picked him for a roommate so she could get to know him. Zack is huffing and puffing around until she finally says, ”Hello?” She's sorry she isn't good enough for him. They start arguing; Zack throws their sleeping together the first night back in her face and tells her talking to her is like talking to a mime. Finally, Amy asks if it can be over. Zack claims he was over it until she brought it up again. More arguing ensues, with Amy finally telling Zack that sometimes, he's an ass (and not the “best” kind). I think so too.
It's back to Andon and Charla and their luxury date. They have snorkeling equipment, though Charla never has gone before. The staff assists them and they plunge out into the water. “This is cool,” remarks Andon. They swim and hold hands and watch the fish and the scenery.
Back at the hotel, Toni and Kristen are talking. “What if Charla is, like, totally trying to mack on Andon?” asks Toni. “That means I'm outta here - I'm done!” Figured that out without any flashcards, huh, Toni? “Andon's not my boyfriend. Andon's just my roommate,” she continues. “It's just playing the game,” replies Kristen. “She's totally playing the game!” retorts Toni. Wow - seems like all the hotel guests might be perfect tens! When it comes to IQ, at least.
Andon and Charla return. They hug and tell each other what a great time they had, then Andon strokes her hair while they stand under an outdoor shower. Then we discover the downside of yacht trips: as Andon asks Charla if she's all right (as she's kneeling on the sand), she tells him she's just thrown up four times in a row. She also calls him Alex. Oops. She asks him to rub her back and he promises to do it as long as she doesn't puke on him. Then we get a voiceover of what Charla really thinks of Andon: he's totally being a jerk, he thinks he's God's gift to women, all he ever thinks about is himself, and she doesn't want him anymore!
As the guests relax at various parts of the hotel, a staff member comes along bringing envelopes to all the women. Each envelope basically tells them that one of the girls will be checking out that evening, so they should have their bags packed by sundown. This leads one girl to exclaim, “They unpacked my stuff; they can pack it!” Sounds like somebody’s getting used to the treatment. Then it's back to Charla, who’s now talking to Scott at the bar, telling him it's much harder than she thought it would be. She's just now realizing a lot of stuff about herself, both good and bad. She says she's really a small town girl, then asks him, “Am I going to last?” He tells her he thinks she'll be all right. She doesn't look convinced.
It's checkout time. Host Amanda brings everybody together and asks how they’re feeling. She tells them they are here tonight because unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye to one of the women. The girls must again select a guy - this time the one they want to spend next week with. At the end of the selection, one of the ladies will be unattached and have to leave Paradise forever. Then she reminds them that she told them Paradise Hotel was full of surprises. She then tells Charla that she's the outsider. She asks her if it's fair to say that she feels as if she's at the mercy of the five gentlemen sitting over there. “It's very fair,” replies Charla. Now, here's the surprise: nobody leaves Paradise without having had a roommate! Therefore, because she hasn't had a roommate yet, it won't be her leaving tonight. Charla is thrilled. The other girls are not. Looks like the joke’s on them. Host Amanda then reminds Charla that she told her that in order to survive, she'd have to break up one of the other couples. “Guess what, guests... that's exactly what she's about to do!” she informs them. Now the women are really sweating, and the guys don't look too comfortable, either.
This time, outsider Charla will be the first person to select a new roommate. Once she's picked her roommate, no other lady can select that man. It's time for her to make her selection. Charla smiles, walks around the men, and picks... Scott! She tells Melanie it has nothing to do with her. Melanie understands. Now it's time for the rest of the ladies to select a man. Toni is up first. She decides to “play it safe” and stick with “her guy,” Andon. Amy is up next, and selects Zack (why? Heck, I don't know). Kristen goes for Alex again. Amanda then makes her selection, Beau. Finally, it's up to Melanie. She has to pick a guy and fight one of the girls for him, as they are all taken. She walks around the men deliberating, then finally decides she'll battle it out over... Beau. So it's up to Beau to make his choice - and the loser leaves Paradise Hotel forever. After the break, he immediately selects... Amanda. So this means the first person to check out is Melanie. She waves goodbye and leaves Paradise forever.
Now we return to the studio. Host Amanda tells the audience that Melanie may be gone, but every time somebody checks out of Paradise, a member of the opposite sex checks in. Then, before she introduces the contestants, she brings them the ten remaining guests at the hotel via satellite. Host Amanda then asks Charla why, if she was flirting with both Zack and Andon, did she select Scott? Charla responds that she picked him because he was a great guy. Hmm - it seems that after getting to know Zack and Andon a little better, she rejected both of them. Interesting. Then host Amanda tells them there are plenty of people waiting to check in, but they've narrowed it down to two very lucky guys. The guests of Paradise Hotel get to decide who gets the ticket to Paradise. The first guy is Tom Rodriguez, 23, from Tom's River, New Jersey. On his background video, he claims that girls respond to him because he's very outgoing and not afraid to go up to a girl and make her laugh. He likes bartending because when the liquor is served, the people spit out everything: their life, their affairs, and so forth. He loves his dogs to death. He says this would be a chance of a lifetime - he needs to go away and enter Paradise! With that, the video ends and he comes onstage. Host Amanda asks him which guy at Paradise Hotel would be his competition. “None of them,” he answers. He thinks he'll be able to go there and take any girl that he wants. Yep, he definitely has what it takes to join this cast ego-wise. Amanda then tells him that she's sure he'll turn Paradise upside down... if he's the one selected.
Contestant number two is from Boston, Massachusetts: Dave Carpon. His video shows that he was originally from Brooklyn. He likes Boston, but it's nothing like Paradise. He's at a great point in his life: he's single and his marketing consultant business is up and running. Last year, he lost 69 pounds, which was a life-changing experience. He likes to work out and jog. He points out that his ears and nose are large. He believes he represents the average guy out there, the guy next door. He thinks it would be amazing to be with multiple women all at once, all of them pleasing him. Yep, he fits in with this group as well. Host Amanda asks him why he should be the first person with a ticket to Paradise. He tells her he has the looks of an average American guy and the personality of a winner. Amanda wishes both men good luck and points out that while they both may be ready for Paradise... is Paradise ready for them? With this, she turns to the hotel guests via satellite and allows them each to ask a question.
Guest Amanda is up first. Her question is for Tom. She notes that on the video, they saw Tom dancing a bit behind his bar, so she wants to see Tom shake his tush a little bit more. Tom tells her that won't be a problem and wiggles it first for the audience, then for the hotel guests.
Alex is next. His question is for Dave. If Dave lost all that weight this year (note: the video clearly said last year, so somebody isn't paying attention), he wonders, what was the significance of the number 69? Why not 70 pounds? Dave doesn't know; it just seemed to be a cool idea to stop there.
Next, Beau tells Tom his video showed some pretty feminine looking canines… so is he man enough to be on Paradise Hotel? Tom replies that where he comes from, he's known as “Little Big Man,” so yeah, he's ready for him!
Zack starts off by telling Tom that he's definitely little - but his question is, since Tom said he likes to get girls drunk and take them home, is that the only way he can get girls? Tom gives a zinger right back: he states he didn't say anything like that, but he did see somebody hide in a closet like a little baby. Oh yeah! Everybody laughs that one up except Zack, who finally says, “That's cool.”
Scott's turn. “Dave - I mean, ‘Winner,’” he begins, then asks: since Dave lost weight, he may look good, but does he have any problem getting dates? Dave says he's doing OK, but take him to Paradise and he'll get a few more.
Host Amanda asks if there are any more questions. Beau has one for Tom: they already have a great bartender there, so what else would Tom bring to paradise? Tom replies that he definitely won't be bringing the stu-stu-stuttering DJ. More applause and laughter at this zinger, except from Beau, who makes a slit-throat gesture. Hmm, looks like scoring insults off one guest might score points with the others. You’ve got to admit he's got guts.
So now it's decision time... to be made by the girls. But first, each guy gets one final chance to convince the girls to let them come to Paradise. First up is Dave. He tells them it will be a difficult decision and that Tom seems like a nice guy, but if they bring him to Paradise they'll have a lot of laughs and a great time. Next, Tom tells the girls that this is for them and only them and that the guys are obviously afraid of a little challenge. If he goes there, he'll stir things up. Then he goes into begging mode: “Please, please, please, PLEASE let me come to your island!” With that, it’s time for the girls make their decision.
Guest Amanda is selected as spokesperson for the group. She says the decision was not easy. She tells Dave he has a great personality and is an all-around sweet guy. She tells Tom they admire his confidence, thought his dogs were adorable, and his eyes made them all want to melt. So with all that said, the girls want to welcome… Dave to Paradise Hotel! The audience applauds as Beau pretends to moon Dave.
So Dave is off to Paradise - and while this week it was goodbye to one of the girls, next week one of the guys will be checking out. But first, another surprise: Dave immediately gets to select one of the girls to be his roommate… and the girl must accept! With that, the show ends, but not before reminding us that you can go from fan to star on the show - to do so, go to paradiseonfox.com.
Next time: Dave might not be as nice as he seems... could he be doublecrossing two women and alienating the guys? Which couple will he split up? Also, Amanda reveals that she has cheated!
Jeffrey Clinard lives in Las Vegas, Nevada, with his cats, Lam and Princess. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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