The Amazing Race 4, Episode 5: Diggin’ In Poo for a Clueby Phil Kural -- 06/27/2003
Previously on The Amazing Race, nine teams had left Austria. Chuck was struck with a case of claustrophobia during the roadblock, Tian & Jaree were ostracized by the other teams when they were told to cut in line – then they went for the Fast Forward. However, when all was said and done, father and son Steve & Josh were the last to check in and were eliminated from the race. I wasn’t too thrilled about all this because I was actually starting to like them. Oh well. Anyway, let’s take a look at the order the teams will leave the Château in Marseilles, France and what their status is right now:
Tian & Jaree – Models/Actresses/Singers/Belly Dancers/What don’t they do?
Jon & Al – Best friends/Circus clowns/GREAT source of entertainment
Millie & Chuck (Chillie) – Dating 12 years/Virgins/Sexually frustrated
Monica & Sheree (The Supremes) – NFL wives/Sentimental favorites
Reichen & Chip – Married gay couple/You either love them or hate them
Dave & Jeff – Best friends/Need to plead for camera time
Kelly & Jon – Engaged couple/My pick to win/Sentimental favorites
Steve & Dave – Old heads/Best friends/Air traffic controllers
The models are the first to depart from the pit stop at 2:26 a.m. Their route info tells them to drive to the airport in Marseilles and head to Amsterdam. Once there, they will need to get to the Magere Brug, a famous bridge on the Amstel River, and they will find their next route marker. The Models begin to drive to the airport, fighting as usual. At 2:41 a.m., Jon & Al (the Clowns) and Chillie leave the pit stop. They both quickly open up their route info and head for the airport. Millie states that Chuck may not know her and it’s making her question their relationship. I think this girl is looking for ways to get out of this relationship and is using the race as an excuse. Jon & Al state that they are having fun and doing the race for themselves. Then, at 2:45 a.m., The Supremes leave the pit stop. Both state that they are getting along very well and are happy that their team isn’t destructing like the Models. How right you are, Supremes. I love those girls!
At the airport, it seems that the Models have arrived to find most terminals and booking agencies closed. They find out that Air France opens at 5:00 a.m. and camp out at the beginning of the line. It’s now 2:54 a.m. and Reichen & Chip are leaving the pit stop. On the way to the airport Reichen says they need to learn how to concentrate because they tend to get caught up in the moment and drive by things. Or, in accordance to last week’s episode, never even drive up to the route marker! Dave & Jeff leave at 2:57 and Jeff says he is scared that he may be leading the team too much. I wonder if Dave cares that Jeff is becoming a dictator. We’ll never know because up until this point we have seen such little footage of them. At 3:00 a.m. Kelly & Jon leave the pit stop. She says that she is horrible with maps but their team is learning how to function. Kelly is amazing, I love her! By now, the Clowns and Chillie have both gotten to the airport as well and camp out right behind the models. Lastly, Steve & Dave leave the pit stop at 4:19 a.m. and head for the airport. They say they are the tortoise and that even though they move slowly, they are thorough in what they do.
Kelly & Jon, The Supremes and Reichen & Chip all get to the airport. Reichen says they are going to do the respectable thing and get at the back of the line, however they think it will screw them in the end. They decide to ask the Models if they will buy their plane tickets for them. The Models deliberate and while they discuss it, Millie demands to know what is going on. The Models tell her they are not sure yet if they will buy tickets for Reichen & Chip so Millie goes into outrage mode. I really don’t like her. AT ALL. Anyway, the Clowns and Chillie decide not to chance it and head for British Airways, which is opening soon as well. At Air France, the Models are getting their tickets and Reichen & Chip ask again for help. The Models say they have to ask Kelly & Jon, who are right there. Jon says no way, throws out a threat along the lines of “Don’t you dare, I’ll punch your lights out,” (though it might have been “punch your eye out”) and Reichen & Chip are off to British Airways. You know what, good for you Jon! Unlike when Steve threw out an unnecessary threat to the Models last week, Jon was right when he told Reichen & Chip to back off. However, I commend Reichen & Chip for trying to get tickets another way when they thought they were doomed.
The Supremes also headed to British Airways and found themselves on the second flight leaving Marseilles with Chillie, the Clowns, and Reichen & Chip. The first flight leaving, via Air France, holds the Models and Kelly & Jon. Dave & Jeff just get to the airport and find both flights are sold out. They take another indirect flight that has them having to make a connection in an hour at another airport. Coincidentally, Steve & Dave end up on the same flight. The first plane leaves and the second soon after. The third plane leaves about an hour behind them. When the third plane lands in Paris, both teams have to get a cab to the Charles de Gaulle airport. It will be tough to make their connecting flight and things get worse when both teams get caught in traffic. Meanwhile, the first plane gets to Amsterdam with the second flight right behind them. Everyone scurries for transport to the next route marker. Mostly everyone chooses the train except for Chillie, who opt for a cab. They are told it will be more expensive but probably faster. The Models, as usual, lollygag around in the airport and have to take a separate train from everyone else because they wasted too much time asking about transportation.
Chillie are the first ones to the route marker so I guess the cab was the right way to go after all. It tells them to choose a boat and drive themselves to the Scheepvaart Museum using a provided map. Chillie hop in their boat and sit there reading the map. The other teams get to Central Station and head for the bridge. While Chillie are still confused by the map, the other teams catch up and jump in their boats. It probably didn’t help that Millie was yelling at Chuck the whole time he was trying to look at the map. She is so grating on the nerves. I still think it’s sexual frustration. Chuck needs to let loose on her one day.
While all this is going on in Amsterdam, Steve & Dave and Dave & Jeff only have five minutes in Paris to make their connecting flight, but guess what? They miss it. Both teams look plenty pissed as they figure out another way to Amsterdam. They end up on KLM and find themselves sitting right by each other on the plane. Even though they are competing, both teams look like they are friends. In Amsterdam, all the teams are cruising the river looking for the museum. Kelly makes a comment about Millie & Chuck. She says that, “Even though Chuck is a good looking guy, those sideburns make him look like he’s in the second stage of being a werewolf.” She also says that they call Millie “Millie the Mole” because every time Jon sees her he says “Moley Moley Moley.” That folks, is courtesy of Austin Powers: Goldmember. Very good movie, you need to see it. I love these two. One second they are fighting, the next moment they are laughing at everyone else. And Kelly… Oh, sweet Kelly.
All the teams look lost while trying to find the museum. While all this is happening, the models finally get there and board their boat as well. Jaree is getting frustrated with Tian because she feels like all Tian does is boss her around. I’m starting to get this feeling as well. Chillie are fighting in their boat as well and it looks like Chuck finally lays down the law and tells Millie to be quiet. While all this boat fighting is going on, the Clowns find the route marker first. They find the detour: 500 Kilograms or 15 feet. 500 Kilograms involves teams driving 30 miles to carry cheese across a brick pathway where a scale awaits – while wearing clogs. They must put EXACTLY 500 kilograms of cheese on the scale to get their next piece of route info. This task is tough and far, but clean. In 15 feet, teams must drive 12 miles to a cow farm and search through a 15-foot-high pile of cow manure for their next route info envelope. This task will be easier to perform, but will leave the team smelly and disgusting. The Clowns decide to go play in the poo.
The Supremes are still in the water regrouping. They ask for directions and head for the museum. The models are still fighting with Tian snatching the map out of Jaree’s hands. You know what; I don’t like Tian that much this episode. Poor Jaree is just trying to help and Tian jumps on her every chance she gets. Tian and Millie should be partners. Neither have patience and both like to boss their partners around. It makes me sick. Reichen & Chip get to the detour and decide to go for 500 kilograms. While all this is going on, Chillie decide they suck and to just go for the Fast Forward. For this Fast Forward, teams have to make their way to Molen van Sloten in North Amsterdam and strap themselves to a windmill. Then, the windmill will make 10 rotations with them on it. That is when they will claim the Fast Forward.
The last two teams have finally gotten to Amsterdam. Steve & Dave take a cab to the bridge while Jeff & Dave take the train. The clowns are getting dressed for the manure and one of them states they look ridiculous. Um, fellas, you are circus clowns! You always look ridiculous! Anyway, they are grossed out at the way the poo smells. Kelly & Jon just get to the museum and also decide to go for poo. My poor Kelly doesn’t look happy, but she is a team player and after some gentle nagging, goes along. Chillie look pissed as they get to the windmill with Millie saying that compatibility is an issue for them. They get on the windmill, spin around 10 times and claim the Fast Forward. I’m sorry, but that whole thing looked scary as hell! I wouldn’t have done it, but that’s just me. The Fast Forward tells them to go to the Kasteel Muiderslot, in Muiden. The last team there will be eliminated.
The Supremes get to the detour as well and choose poo. Back at the poo pile, the Clowns are having fun, throwing it at each other, and laughing in it. They do finally find the next piece of route info, which tells them to find the Smoker Statue in Monnickendam. That is where the next route marker will be. Steve & Dave get to the bridge with Dave & Jeff right behind them. Believe it or not, the Models are still in the water fighting because they think they are lost again. Probably because Tian insists on reading the map AND doing the steering. They do however finally get to the detour and choose poo. Speaking of poo, Kelly & Jon just get to the pile and see the Clowns leaving it. They ask about it and the Clowns just laugh. Kelly says she loves the Clowns because they are fun. Reichen & Chip finally get to their detour as well and start moving the cheese around. The people on the street love it! Meanwhile, Kelly finds the clue in the poo and her team is off. Reichen & Chip are still transporting cheese and laughing while they are doing it. I like these guys. Why do so many people email me with how much they cheat and are lousy racers? I don’t get it. The last two teams get to the museum. Steve & Dave choose cheese while Dave & Jeff go for poo.
The Supremes are laughing in the poo as they find the clue. Reichen & Chip finish their detour as well as the people on the street go wild with excitement for them. Jon & Al at this point find the Smoker Statue and find their roadblock task there. The person that chooses to do the roadblock will have to pick up 25 eels with their bare hands and put them in a container. The clue says the person that does the task must have a firm grip and like seafood. Al does the roadblock while Jon cheers him on wildly. Hey, remember Chillie? Well, they check in as team number one while all this is going on. Not only that, but they win a seven-night cruise on Royal Caribbean for coming in first for this leg. Millie states, regarding the map, that Chuck has trust issues and in interview Chuck says that trust issues to Millie means he doesn’t do exactly what she says. Millie shakes her head. Good for you Chuck, growing a backbone!
Al finishes up the roadblock and they are off to the pit stop. After leaving the poo, Monica & Sheree try to make a U-Turn and end up getting their car stuck in the mud. I think it’s all over for them, but just then a van comes along and pulls them out. Thank God! I would collapse in sheer horror if they were eliminated. They are such strong, independent women! Jon & Kelly get to the roadblock and Jon does it, while comparing the eels to a slippery penis when Kelly asks what it feels like. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to laugh or cringe at that one! He finishes it really quickly with Kelly rooting him on. They get their clue and head for the pit stop. The Clowns check in second at this point and look pleased as punch. I like these two. Meanwhile, the Models are fighting again as they look for the poo pile. Steve & Dave start with their cheese detour and say they look pretty stupid. They are moving ever so slow, as usual. Kelly & Jon check in third. Wow, look at my favorites, rising in the ranks!
Reichen & Chip get to the roadblock the same time The Supremes do. Reichen and Sheree start the roadblock and finish pretty much at the same time. The Supremes ask Reichen & Chip if they can follow. Reichen says that the only team they trust are The Supremes and they allow them to follow. I really like both of these teams. Believe it or not, the Models are STILL fighting! Dave & Jeff find the clue in the poo and on their way out, see the Models just getting there. Dave & Steve finish up with the cheese just when the Models find the poo clue. At the pit stop, Reichen & Chip check in as team number four and The Supremes are right behind them and check in as team number five.
Dave & Jeff get to the roadblock and Dave does it. They finish and are off. The Models are behind them and Jaree finally does a roadblock. Tian looks disgusted as Jaree does the task, but they are out fairly quick as well. Steve & Dave get there last and Steve handles the eels. They also finish up pretty fast and head to the pit stop. Dave & Jeff get to the pit stop and find out they are in sixth. I’m glad we got to see more of them this episode. I finally know which one is which and a little more insight into their team morale! Hopefully, we will see more in the future. Anyway, the last two teams are on their way to the pit stop. Jaree isn’t sure if she wants to be eliminated or not. Tian looks pretty pissed and says Jaree keeps trying to sabotage them. Steve & Dave are strolling along as usual, saying they refuse to quit. As it gets dark, who gets there first? The Models! They find out they are team number seven and I’m not sure if they are happy or not! They look relieved, but both state they thought they were last. Shortly after, Dave & Steve get to the pit stop and are informed by Phil that they are the last team to arrive and they have been eliminated. I think they should give the trip to the eliminated team, that way they feel good about themselves. Dave says he is keeping the cheese from the roadblock, no matter what Phil says! He also states that he misses his wife as he gets a tear in his eye. Steve says they did well for two old farts, experience of a lifetime, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Next week, looks like TAR is headed back to India, the first time since the first season! Things get a little crazy as teams are faced with the poverty that people there have to endure. Then, a frustrating roadblock and hectic train ride make tensions rise. All we hear is one of the Models (Tian, I think) say, “Don’t touch my boob!” That was probably the first time she ever discouraged someone from touching them. I’ll wait until next week to crack on that one some more.
Some final thoughts from me: First off, it’s about time Steve & Dave bit the dust. I said they would be one of the first three teams eliminated, along with Weezer & Geezer and Chillie. Well, two of them are out before midway, so I’m not doing so badly. All three teams I picked for the finals are still there! Second, I love the following teams: Kelly & Jon, The Supremes, and Reichen & Chip. I like these teams: The Clowns, Dave & Jeff, and just Jaree from the Models. I’m not fond of the following: Chillie, Tian. It’s a shame too, I really liked Tian last week, but she did a complete turnaround. We’ll have to see next week as the teams race through India if she can redeem herself. One last comment: I love Kelly!
Phil Kural is a senior at Temple University, and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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