Big Brother's Full Moon Meltdown

The monsters came out at night by the light of the full moon in the CBS parking lot.

It was a full moon that witnessed the meltdown of the Big Brother house on Saturday night. Scott earlier in the day was seen sitting forlornly and silently only to get up and pace back and forth, then to sit and stew again. This continued until kitchen chairs were airborne. Oh yes, they were just cheap plastic. They deserved to be thrown. But who could have foretold the hysteria provoked by flying plastic furniture? Some girls, first laughing when the first chair took off, soon declared themselves threatened. And Scott was out. PC, and all that, you know, hush hush and nudge nudge, know what I mean?

Cops and psyche ward nurses insist that the full moon brings out the worst in humankind ... emergency rooms fill up with strangely injured accident cases, city jails burst at the seams with drunken frat boys and spontaneous girly prostitutes – and even oceanside, the shipboard brig is soon bursting full with rowdy sailor-pirates under the light of the full moon, despite the daily allotted ounce of rum. What gives?

Well, isn't this what the producers of Big Brother wanted? Increase the pressure so much that they get all dramatic and shit? Yes, it is EXACTLY what they wanted. They don't care about people's feelings, after all, they just want a good show. Now Scott is probably in the nut house.

It's true, the producers may not have wanted the innocent Big Brother fans to see Alison and Michelle sobbing their hearts out at the very thought that they might catch genital warts, sobbing on hands and knees while scrubbing the toilet rim and spraying disinfectant. Yes, it's true, too: poor Alison boo-hooed her way through a complete chlorine bleach cleaning of the toilet, while throwing up at the same time. Michelle joined in like a little sister who pukes at the sight of an upchucking sibling. Scraping, spraying, scrubbing, wheezing .... they just may all be scarred for life, all because Scott said he had a problem with warts.

Okay, let's step back. Let's take a deep breath. Just what DID happen?

Simply put, it was merely the outcome of what has now become known as producer Alison Grodner's idea of 'fun'. "Let's put some houseguests together with old boyfriends and girlfriends and stuff like that."

How did this come about? Well, some may not know that the houseguests are required to fill out extensive questionnaires about their lives. They are required to list ALL the people they currently know, have known, or ever knew. Why? Well, in case they are ever mentioned, these houseguests are required to get releases from these people. If the person refuses to be discussed on the live internet cameras, then the live cams are switched to a blank scene, like the front of the house, when this person's name comes up in conversation, to protect the producers from litigious incidents.

Little did the houseguests know that this totally open book information would allow the producers to stick their fingers into their lives and torture them. This is how it came about. In the process of obtaining releases, the Big Brother producers realized that they could ask these 'ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends' to come on the show.

So here we find ourselves, along with a gentleman like Scott, an admitted Chicago waiter and cool guy, locked together in a house with someone who dumped us. Fun, isn't it? Scott couldn't help himself, but faced with his ex, he had to re-hash things. He had to go over it all, once again, in his mind, and verbally with his ex, too. Who could blame him? In fact, he still likes Amanda. He would still like to be with her ... so under these conditions, wouldn't she like to be together again too?

We've all been there. We've all heard it before. We all know it hurts. But the 'no' that Amanda said to him ... as classy and sensitive as it was on her part, was just that: "No." So of course chairs are going to go flying, don't you know. Life hurts.

Don't believe everything you read, and don't believe everything you hear. Scott lost it for only one reason and one reason alone: because rejection hurts. Listen, if you or I were in the same boat, we would probably do the same thing. At least, I hope so! If my producers pulled a rotten, unfeeling, evil stunt like these producers have done, you had better be damned sure I'm going to throw a few chairs around too! Hello? Do you live on Planet Earth?

But enough hysteria! Let's check in with the HouseGuests, now nearly a week into their travails for our viewing pleasure. The jury has weighed in with judgments on them. Here is how we can understand them in the best of Hollywood – this erstwhile village that claims an understanding of drama (ha!) – traditions. So here's a one-line character study on each houseguest:

Michelle: Britney Spears at age 9
Alison: Britney Spears on crack
Amanda: Jade Jagger meets Angelina Jolie
Dana: the bastard child of Monica of BB2 and Chiara of BB3
David: Gomer Pyle
Erika: Danielle Steele meets the Grim Reaper
Jack: Clint Eastwood meets John Denver
Jee: Crouching tiger, Hidden Kitten
Jun: the Dragon Lady does stand-up
Justin: Magilla Gorilla
Nathan: Bill Clinton at age 17
Robert: A perversion of goofiness or "Calvin and Hobbes meets Frankenstein"
Scott: Ted Bundy meets Woody Allen

And what happened in the house this week?

Nathan has been very busy, re-enacting the Roman Empire. Caesar he is, this Nathan-boy, attended to by a bevy of barely-clad maidens waiting on him hand and feet, stroking his golden locks and whispering softly in his ear in darkened corners. Here is the spherical bed laden with silken sheets, strewn with careless and scantily clad girls with perfectly manicured fingernails. Can the fall of Rome be far behind? Do one of the stately Senators bear hidden in the folds of a toga the knife-in-the-back which will be Caesar's downfall? For Nathan's downfall is foretold by the Oracle, because he is definitely not the One. Nobody could be so stupid as to take a position of power and corrupt it by the love of sycophantic girls except ... oh must we delve into presidential history so soon? Okay, let's skip it then.

Everyone agrees that Jee and Amanda are really great – and they are! They are both interesting and nice – if not intriguing – people. So of course they are both nominated and everyone hopes they are out soon.

Some have compared Jack to "Weekend at Bernie's" – the cadaver that wouldn't go away. While we are used to seeing celebrities live out their lives in other decades (Liza Minnelli, Merv Griffin, and Diana Ross stuck in 1977, Michael Jackson and Demi Moore stuck in 1985, Jennifer Aniston stuck in 1997), it always comes as a shock to see someone like that in real life. Jack needs to leave 1976. It was a good year, but there you have it. Let's move on.

There are some great people on this show, it's clear. Among them are Amanda, David, and Jee. They aren't so easily understood. But they are very easily dismissed ... but aren't we all. And while it's easy to call David "Gomer Pyle" – that is just a joke.

Jun might be great, but it's unclear. She is certainly funny, that's true. It is also true that American audiences do not usually respond to irony. And Jun is ironic, through and through. She also might be evil, it's hard to tell. That might be an act. Check back in later to see what we learn of Jun.

Michelle and Alison are also easily dismissed. They are blond bodies with no minds. Of course that's unfair! But tell me ... where are their minds? I want to know! Stay tuned, because they may yet be found. At least, the possibility exists ...

Amanda is a curious hybrid of all kinds of things. She is clever, devious, playful, and spontaneous. She might not be around long enough for us to learn who she is. But she has more to offer than is readily apparent. She and David had a long conversation, admittedly a weird conversation, about whether they were being 'real' with each other. It was kind of a joke. But then again, maybe not. David is a joke trying to be a real person – and he is going to get there. Amanda is a real person trying to be a joke. And she can't quite pull it off.

Erika and Jack are very serious. They do not joke around. They are playing the game. But they need to lighten up, fast. Erika seems nice, and she does have emotions. But among those emotions is not 'have fun.' She needs to have more fun or leave. She realizes this, since on Monday she talked about leaving. Counselors were summoned. Now she is not leaving. {Wipes brow} Phew! The only forty-something and she wants to just take off and leave! Erika is someone who might blossom. But she might not. Remember Karen from BB1? She blossomed but the flower that appeared was not what we expected.

And what about Robert? Robert is an ex. He's got lots of dirt to shovel. My suspicion is that the less said about Robert the better. One cannot suffer fools gladly, after all. I feel the same way about Dana. In fact, the two might make a great couple.

And Scott. Scott might be known from now on as the werewolf. Because the full moon came out ... he transformed ... and he was gone, lickety split. Well it's another four weeks until the next full moon, so we have some time to prepare for any other monsters that might show up. In the meantime, onward!

This article was written by O'Sean Aieghlans, a critic-at-large of the overall reality television scene. He can be reached at ocean_islands@yahoo.com.

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