Big Brother 4, July 22: Pop! Goes The Dana

After Stock Booming Melodramatic Announcer #38 takes us back to when Benjamin Franklin decided to go fly a kite, something I’d like to tell some of these HouseGuests to do as well, and Jee nominates Erika and Michelle in black-and-white to make it official, the episode gets off to a classy start when Erika decides to let fly with some racial epithets, calling Jee a “Korean piece of sh*t” and a “fresh off the boat motherf**king immigrant.” WHOA!!! I mean, isn’t there normally a warm-up period before people start behaving badly? I feel like I got hit in the head with a line drive before I even reached my seat at the stadium! “He’s like a puppet, and people are telling him what to say,” rages Erika in the Diary Room. “You make me feel uncomfortable,” she mocks, moving her hand à la Señor Wences. She admits that she was very angry because she doesn’t think she makes people uncomfortable. She thinks maybe the real reason is that she’s quiet or because Jee’s aligned with her ex Robert, who gloats in the Diary Room that it was great to see her put up because it’s the only way he can win.

Jee heads out to the patio to give Erika the Big Brother Patented Bullsh*t Speech #47 about how the nomination was nothing personal. OK. You know what? I’ve reached my limit with this excuse. Unless you drew two names out of a hat, it’s personal. End of story. Jee goes on to say that he thinks she’s probably having a tough time feeling comfortable because of the presence of her ex, and he can certainly relate to that. Erika agrees that it’s hard for her to be herself under the circumstances. Jee says he’s going to let her breathe and that he’s still shaking from the nerves of having to nominate people. She’s fine, Erika protests. She tells us she’s playing a game and everything she says and does is part of her strategy. I’m a little lost as to how making brazenly racist statements is a good strategic move, but hey.

Fellow nominee Michelle is lying in bed being comforted by Alison and Dana. They tell her not to cry; she says she’s trying, but it was completely unexpected. She tells us she is soooooooooooo mad that she was chosen to be put up against Erika! You know, even when she’s enraged, she’s still about as menacing as Snow White. Some people are just destined to be sweet, I guess. Dana tells her it’s always scary and they’ll have to take Jun, Alison, and herself out before Michelle’s going anywhere! Dana then tells us that “they” have Michelle on a “need-to-know-basis” only, so she got blindsided. “You’re not going anywhere,” assures Dana.

The two nominees sit in the hammock and commiserate. “I have no food… I’m on the block… this is going to be the longest week of my life,” sighs Michelle. Erika tells her she believes in what goes around, comes around, and she’s not worried about it. She further tries to make Michelle feel better by pointing out that she’s only up to get Erika out. “Don’t even sweat it,” she smiles.

Jee tells us that the reasoning behind Erika’s nomination was simple: she doesn’t get along with anyone except Jack and Dave and his alliance members (Robert and Justin) don’t trust her. He wants to stick with the plan and make sure she leaves. He calls Michelle into the Head of Household Room and apologizes. She admits that she feels taken advantage of and points out that he must have felt the same way last week. She elaborates to us that it’s not so much that she feels she’ll be leaving as that she feels betrayed. Jee tells her he’s worked it all out so that she’ll be staying and that if, worst case scenario, Erika gets taken off the block through veto, Dana will go instead.

Let’s just repeat that one more time for emphasis.

Jee tells Michelle that if Erika gets taken off the block through veto, Dana will go instead.

One last time for the person in the fifth balcony.

Jee tells Michelle that if Erika gets taken off the block through veto, Dana will go instead.

Hold onto that thought.

Jee tells us he hopes Michelle will forgive him for using her as a pawn and hopefully it won’t backfire. Sheryl, Lori, and Tanya sit at home and throw back their heads and laugh hysterically. He assures her Jack and David have her back as well. Michelle tells him she knows she’s safe, but she’s still upset about being used as a pawn. That’s part of the game, he tells her. Jee I’m Starting To Believe My Own Press Releases pontificates that Michelle is very young and naïve and isn’t really playing the game, so if she does go it’s her own fault. Not that there isn’t some validity to that, but still, coming off of this conversation, it’s like, “You’re safe… you’re safe… you’re safe… eh, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”

Back to Erika ranting about her own nomination. She finds it strange that she was nominated and says it was clearly an emotional nomination based on Robert’s wishes. In the backyard, Jack tells her it was strange to hear her name called, but she points out that they’re so focused on her that he and Dave can use it to their advantage. They agree it’ll be close. Erika tells us that since she’s up against an ex, she hopes that the other remaining members of the Original Eight will stay true to their initial alliance. Erika wonders who would be put up if the Power of Veto were used. “Hopefully Dana,” says Jack without a moment’s hesitation. In voiceover, they note that Dana is adrift in no man’s land in terms of support and scared as we see a bug-eyed wildly gesticulating Dana in slo-mo no doubt saying that something PISSES HER OFF!

Time for our first WACKY VIGNETTE! Dana, who apparently has to get her two cents in on everything, informs us that Nathan and Alison love to chase each other around! Chase, chase, chase go Alison and Nathan! “It’s like the grossest game of cat and mouse I’ve ever seen,” bitches Dana, most likely because it involves Alison and not her. Alison tells us they decided to box! Box, box, box go Alison and Nathan! They take hits at each other’s heads! Hit, hit, hit go Alison and Nathan! Dana, who’s feeling waaaaaaaaay overconfident in our interest in her opinion, tells us their boxing is totally out of sexual tension. “I think there’s definitely some sexual tension there,” chortles Nathan smugly in the Diary Room, blissfully unaware of how embarrassed he’ll be when he gets home and sees Alison calling him the biggest meathead she’s ever met. Anyway, I know I can sleep better tonight after that segment; you?

“So were you sweating thinking he was going to put you up?” Nathan asks Jun out of the clear blue sky. Jun admits to us that when the nomination box was down to one key, for a split second she considered reaching across the table and strangling Jee if the key didn’t turn out to be hers. Ah, Jun: ever so soft-spoken and demure. Maybe by the end of the summer she’ll learn how to say what she really thinks. Jee admits to us that he absolutely wanted to see Jun sweat, but while he doesn’t fully trust her, he wants to keep her around because he can use her. Jun concurs in the Diary Room that they’re silent partners and she wants to go to the final two with him. Well, DAMN! Compared to these two, Danielle and Jason ran around the house wearing T-shirts saying “We’re In An Alliance - Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Boo Boo!”

“What are we sayin’? What are we doin’? How are we voting? What’s going on? I don’t know, you know, nobody’s told me anything and I’m just kinda walkin’ around in a cloud the last five hours!” Dana manages to rattle off to Dave in under two seconds in full bugeyed mode. Well, good afternoon to you too! We then see her hounding Nathan and Alison in the bedroom and Dave and Jack in the bathroom. Nathan tells us she’s a good girl but she’s driving everyone crazy. “I can’t believe Dana went from cool to annoying so fast,” sniffs Jun as she gives Nathan a pedicure. She tells us Dana has no idea how many people are gunning for her. “What can we offer Jee to get him to nominate Dana?” Jack asks Nathan and Alison on the back porch. Jun continues that it upsets her that Dana never stops to think before she does things and those minor details will make or break you in the game.

Not that she’s above winding up Dana for her own amusement. “Nathan has had just about enough of you,” she hisses to Dana over the kitchen island. Pop! Goes the Dana. “Really? He said that? Why on earth would he say that? Why? What did I do? I haven’t done enough for that f**king kid?!?” she rants, then continues this train of thought in the Diary Room: “The last thing Nathan needs to do is PISS ME OFF! Because I will come after him with GUNS BLAZIN’! And I have the ammo!” Oh, simmer down, Annie Oakley. “You think people remember the good? They only remember the bad,” philosophizes Jun to Dana. “GOD he’s making my skin crawl! He’s got balls the size of ELEPHANT NUTS!” rants Dana. I have a feeling this won’t be the only time this season “nuts” and “Dana” will be found in such close proximity. “Just because I’m pretty, everybody’s jealous!” rants Dana in the Diary Room. OK, so she actually says, “I’m the only one that’s split out visibly from the original alliance - everybody’s going to start to come after me because I’m not on their side anymore,” but the effect’s much the same. “HELLO! There’s no one in this house right now that’s on your side!” snaps Jun in confessional. It’s hard to understand why not, what with Dana being so laid back and pleasant and all.

“GOL-LEE!” exclaims Nathan Pyle as he sees the backyard has been invaded by duckball. Jack and Erika remind us that duckball is a time-honored tradition in the Big Brother household, having been invented by last year’s HouseGuests. Basically, you get one point if your duck lands on the circle around the bucket, two points if your duck hits the bucket, and three if your duck lands in the bucket. They deduce that duckball is probably the Power of Veto competition and commence practicing. “What the hell are you doing?” laughs Jee as Jun’s duck misses the target by a mile. Jun understates to us that she has no athletic ability or hand-eye coordination as with throw after throw she proves that even Charlie Brown’s All-Stars would turn up their noses at her. Jack then lectures us on the importance of proper duckball grip. While the “girls” randomly grab their ducks hither and yon as they throw, Jack’s found that gripping the duck’s ass gives it a nice football-like spiral. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d find myself typing. “Justin really parlayed the ass grip into an art form,” Jack shares with us. That should make for interesting graffiti on the bathroom stall of the Manhole. David, meanwhile, is an advocate of gripping the duck by the head. I’m not sure who needs a life more: them for doing it or me for recapping it. Dana can’t be bothered throwing ducks in a bucket. I (and the rest of the HouseGuests, from the look of things), on the other hand, would be only too happy to throw her in said bucket.

“People are coming after you,” says Jun the Wonder Psychic to Dana in the kitchen out of the clear blue sky. “Who?” demands Dana. “I see dead people and pick Seabiscuit in the fifth,” replies Jun. OK, so she just tells her, “Everyone,” and doesn’t want to tell her more because she’s afraid she’ll go flying off the handle. When pressed, Jun “reluctantly” tells Dana everyone wants to throw her out, but she can’t tell anyone - not even Robert or Justin! How Jun manages to keep a straight face throughout all this is anyone’s guess. Dana promises she won’t. I believe her, don’t you?

Sure enough, “The minute I heard everyone was coming after me, I went straight into Jee’s room!” Dana smiles to us, pleased as punch. I prove that it’s possible to laugh and bang your head against the wall at the same time. “Talk to me because I don’t know anything!” she orders as she barges into the Head of Household Room. Jee and Robert quite understandably look at her like she’s from Mars. “I know something’s going on! I’m not paranoid!” she rages. No; you’ve crossed the border into full-fledged INSANE. “Nobody’s getting the veto and deciding to put me up?” she demands. They assure her she’s safe. “This is why she has so many enemies in this house - the way that she talks to people,” says Jee, right on the money. Justin enters and she demands to know if the other people are coming after her. “Well, can you blame them?” smiles Justin. “It’s your psycho cheerleader girlfriend starting the f**king brigade,” declares Dana. Justin starts gnawing on his own leg to get away. Robert admits to us that putting Dana up if someone used the Power of Veto was exactly what they were planning to do and somehow Dana found out. “I’m not worried about them using it; I’m worried about you putting me up,” Dana nags. Well, grilling them to within an inch of their lives would seem to be a can’t-miss deterrent. She tells us that she keeps coming this close to telling the three of them about the Original 8 Alliance, but needs to hold onto that information as her ace in the hole. After Dana leaves, Jee whispers that at least she’ll trust them for one more week; she trusts them more than she trusts anyone in the house. If everyone would have stuck to the way he told them to do it, she wouldn’t be freaking out like that, snits Jee I’m Starting To Get Drunk With Power. Robert peers through the blinds and reports that Dana’s on the couch with Jun. Robert tells us that Jun is Dana’s only ally, but she’d turn on Dana in a second. Jun tells Dana she’s worried for her own safety. Dana tells her they’re gunning for her, not Jun, but Jun points out to her that everyone will think she’s the one tipping Dana off. “People are starting to suspect that I’m the one feeding her information,” Jun tells us. “Which I am,” she adds hastily as she sees a bolt of lightning coming straight for her.

“What the f**k are we going to do?” Jun asks Jee as she enters the Head of Household Room. “You don’t knock?” he snits. Jun assures him that she wasn’t the one who spilled the beans to Dana; he tells her she needs to watch it because people would really be rubbed the wrong way if they believed she had. “Control the girls because you have a lot of power,” he orders her. “How the f**k am I supposed to do that?” she snaps. “I don’t know what to f**king do; I can’t do that!” he snaps back. Jun tells him Michelle said that with Dana in the house, you couldn’t trust anybody, and just then Dana turned the corner. Jee smacks his forehead. Jun admits to us that she lied to Jee out of self-preservation. “Why do I even come in here?” Jun sighs to Jee. “I don’t f**king know! You don’t even knock! Next time, knock!” snaps Jee. “I do not bray!” brays Jun. I’m sorry; for a moment I thought I was watching the Big Brother 4 Playhouse production of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?. Jun tells us Dana isn’t in her corner anymore and she can’t risk having her as a partner. Considering that Dana basically has “loose cannon” tattooed on her forehead at this point, this would seem to be smart thinking.

Erika practices and practices duckball as Robert and Co. bemoan how awful it would be if she won veto. Jee gathers them all in the living room and tells them they are to draw ping pong balls for their order in the duckball competition. Alison, who’s apparently drawn the “restate the obvious” slip from the Big Brother Official Duty Hat this season, retells us exactly that. They walk out to the backyard to find that they’ve added a stone bridge crossing a lake, which Dana should feel free to go jump in at any time. In the middle of the lake is a giant raised veto symbol. The HouseGuests choose their ducks, which are different colors and have little devil horns. Heh. Jee explains that if their duck lands in the center of the veto symbol, they get three points and a bonus duck; if it bounces off the symbol, they get two points; if it lands in the outer red ring, one point; and if it lands anywhere outside of that, no points. “Don’t QUACK under the pressure,” Jee tells them. GET it? GET it? The HouseGuests laugh for far too long for it not to have been sarcasm.

Michelle is up first and gets two points; she tells us the pressure of being first rattled her. Erika goes next and can only manage a total of one point; she tells us she prayed to the duckball god, but is just not genetically predisposed to duck throwing. Heh. “I really did want to win the veto!” a wild-eyed Dana assures us. Oy. She only manages two points. Next up is Dave, who between his cap and knicker-length shorts looks like a refugee from Newsies. He cleans up and earns a bonus duck for a total of seven points. The secret is grabbing your duck by the beak, he reveals to us, then makes his duck quack. A Boy and His Pet Rubber Duck: now playing at an independent cinema near you. Join Thora Birch and friends as…

Jun does surprisingly well considering her earlier performance, garnering four points. Alison manages six points, Nathan five, and Jack three. (Jack, by the way, has named his duck “Precious.” He doesn’t specify if he named it after the orangutan on Passions, who’s acting rings around half the cast.) Jee scores a piddly two points, as does Robert. Finally, Justin also earns a bonus duck and ties with Dave at seven points. Going into the sudden death round, Dave seizes the camouflage ducks, thinking they’ll be lucky because he was in the army. He tells us he really wanted this veto and that when he’s under pressure, he grows calmer and more focused. He winds up with a total of nine points. Dana tells us how much she wanted Justin to win, but he only gets two points on each of his first two throws. She says that when she saw him throw the last duck, it was like it was in slow motion. Sure enough, we see Dana, Michelle, and Erika watch the duck in slow motion complete with appropriate sound effects. Justin only gets two more points and Dave wins Power of Veto. Justin bemoans coming in second again in the Diary Room. Erika and Michelle each excitedly tell us they’re convinced Dave will take them off the block! When this happened on The Brady Bunch, didn’t Greg wind up picking the third cheerleader?

Dave tells us he’s looking forward to shaking things up by using the veto and getting Dana on the block. In the Head of Household Room, however, Jee tells him to stick with the plan and not use the veto. Dave and Michelle tagteam Jee to try to get him to change his mind, with Michelle pointing out that Erika’s abysmal at the competitions and is therefore no threat, while Dana’s already won one. Jee I’m Completely Missing The Point tells them that if they were to use the veto and put Dana up, they’d be going against the will of the others in the house. Because it’s not like virtually everyone has stopped just short of skywriting to communicate that they want Dana out pronto. “He’s be going against everyone in the house and nobody would trust him,” reiterates Jee I’m Offbase to us. Dave tells him to give it a little time before making a definite decision.

Dana tells us she’s nervous as hell now that Dave has the veto. Alison assures her Dave won’t use it because then Michelle would go and Dave wants to keep his ex inside the house as they get along. Dana further reassures herself that he’d be crossing Jee and he wouldn’t want to do that.

A sleepy Alison wishes a somnambulistic Jun a happy birthday, then tells us that she thinks Jun isn’t all that happy being forced to spend her birthday with a bunch of strangers and her ex. “It’s really not a big deal,” says a melancholy Jun as she pours the Rice Krispies of Rue. When Jun goes into the Diary Room, Jee leads the others in hiding behind the sofa. When she comes out, they all jump out and yell, “Surprise!” Jun is touched, and you can tell she means it because for once there’s no sarcastic quip or scathing putdown. Big Brother presents Jun with half a cake as only half the house is allowed to eat it. Those on the PB&J only diet howl in protest. Robert rants that it’s not fair, while Michelle would love to just lick the top of it! “I’m kind of sad that I’m not able to share the cake with half the house, but I guess that’s what they get for losing!” beams Our Lady of Compassion Jun. “Can I lick your fingers?” begs Robert. I don’t much like Robert, but heh.

Time for another WACKY VIGNETTE! Jun, Michelle, and Alison are doing ab exercises when Jun hits upon the idea of making salad bikinis! Michelle tells us they were bored out of their minds and thought it was a cute idea. In the storeroom, Jun tells them they should use cabbage instead of lettuce because it’s stronger. Alison, reading my mind and it’s COMPLETELY scary that we’re on the same wavelength, tells us this makes her wonder if Jun practices this at home! Jun cuts and sews the cabbage leaves, attaching a cherry tomato garnish to each bra piece. We then get the standard Reality Show Primping Montage that I completely ODed on during High School Reunion as the three do their hair and makeup. They then barricade themselves in the toilet; the guys are completely baffled as to what’s going on. Finally, Alison and Michelle emerge and walk down the Radicchio Runway. In addition to the cabbage leaf/cherry tomato bras, they have Saran Wrap strategically covering a couple more leaves to form their bikini bottoms. Jun tells us she was originally going to join them, but then she wasn’t really feeling it and wasn’t sure if the leaves would be strong enough to hold her breasts besides. The men hoot and holler. Dave sneaks in from the bathroom and yanks down Michelle’s bikini bottom. The cabbage leaves go flying as a mortified Michelle hunches down on the floor. Dana and Jun rush to her aid with towels. Jee declares the “fashion show” fun and sexy and that wraps up Lettuce Entertain You 2003.

In the Head of Household Room, Jee and Robert kvetch that Dave can’t use the veto or he’ll never be trusted again! “If Dave uses that veto to save Erika, and then expects me to put up Dana, the message I’m getting is that you guys don’t care about me at all!” huffs Jee I’m Completely Forgetting That Earlier I Said I’d Be Fine With Putting Up Dana in the Diary Room. “Bring him in here!” Jee I’ve Let Being Head Of Household Go To My Head orders Robert. Dave tells us that he really wants to use the veto to put Dana up, but he’s running into a stumbling block in that he told Jee I’m Clinging To This Point Like A Pit Bull earlier that he wouldn’t use the veto. Dave again points out that while he understands why Jee would want Erika to go, Dana is a bigger threat. Jee I’m Starting To Sound Like A Broken Record rehashes that Erika going is the will of the majority and Dave PROMISED he wouldn’t use veto! “I’m expecting you to hold up your end of the deal! But I’m not threatening you,” says Jee I May Have Seen The Godfather One Too Many Times. Dave correctly points out that the majority of the house actually would like to seize the opportunity to oust Dana, but Jee I Have A Bad Case Of Tunnel Vision isn’t hearing of it. “All of a sudden everyone’s looking out for their own best interests,” he snits in the Diary Room. Well, duh. “Well, how about I look out for MY best interests for once?” harps Jee I’m About To Take My Marbles And Go Home. “There’ll be consequences,” he whispers ominously to Dave. Oh, but once again, he’s not threatening him or anything. He harps some more in the Diary Room about how people wanted Erika out but now have the nerve to want Dana out because they see her as a bigger threat. Oy. First he says that he can’t put up Dana because it’s not the majority opinion. Then, when he finds out it indeed is the majority opinion, he starts kicking and screaming about how people shouldn’t be changing their minds! Just how popular does Jee I Can’t See The Forest For The Trees think this’ll make him with his fellow HouseGuests in the future?

By this point, Jack, Nathan, Justin, and the kitchen sink have joined in the discussion. Jack and Nathan try to talk some sense into Jee My Word Is Final, but no dice. Justin points out that Robert’s known Erika for longer than any of them and if he thinks she should be out, they should take his word over their own. Because it’s not like Robert might have any personal bias in the issue or anything. Shut up, Justin. Jee I’m Not Budging seizes this opportunity to point out that with Dana’s credibility being shot, she’s not that big of a threat. Eventually, they give up and file out of the room. Nathan tells us that while it’s true that no one will believe a word Dana says anymore, if they keep passing her by and passing her by, eventually she’ll wind up holding a half a million dollar check. Dave tells us he thinks Jee’s being extremely shortsighted and blinded by Robert’s hatred of Erika and it’ll bite them in the ass.

Erika tells Jack she’s nervous. Nathan comes up with the idea of “blitzing” Jee: Since Jee has to nominate someone else on the spot, if Dave blindsides him by using the veto when he’s not expecting it, perhaps he’ll put up Dana because he knows everyone else wants her out and thus she’ll pop into his mind first. Jack thinks it’s a big risk, but Erika says screw it - they’re screwed anyway so why not do it? She doesn’t think Jee would have the “balls” to nominate Jack or Nathan. Jack brings up the idea to Dave as Erika reminds us she’s the most vulnerable of the Original Seven and hopes Dave will use the veto.

Jee I Won’t Drop It and Robert are rehashing the same points yet again in the backyard when Dave calls them in for the veto meeting with a gleam in his eye. Robert tells us they’re scared because they have no idea what Dave will do. Dave calls the meeting to order and gives Erika and Michelle the opportunity to tell him why he should save them. Erika says she trusts his judgment; Michelle agrees, saying, “I trust whatever decision you’re going to make, so… make one!” Everyone laughs.

In perhaps my favorite veto speech yet on this show, David says, “After considering that, which I really didn’t, because I already had my mind made up, I choose… to use the veto on…”

The Cathedral of St. John the Divine is completed. Casting begins for Survivor 89: Proxima Centauri. The War and Peace One Word Per Day reading group starts and completes. A Passions character actually does something.

“…no one!” With that, Dave closes the veto medal inside the box before most people even seem to register what just happened. He tells them all that he decided not to use it based on personal interest, and he thinks everyone can understand because they’re all out for themselves in this game. He tells us the meeting went exactly as planned - he didn’t use the veto and got to mess with everyone’s heads. Heh.

Oh, mother of pearl, Dana starts yapping about how Dave confused her and made her nervous! I start looking into the cost of skywriting “CHIARA - ALL IS FORGIVEN.” Jee I’ve Said Quite Enough For The Night similarly yaks about how Dave freaked him out by messing with his head and tells his little group on the couch that Michelle is safe. Robert beams that Erika will be gone! Unanimously! And he has 43 unhatched chickens; why do you ask? Erika tells us she is not confident AT ALL that she’s safe! Meanwhile, Michelle perkily tells us she is confident she’s not going home! Awwww. You know, she may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer in this game, but I swear - evicting her would be like evicting Bambi. Jack gets the final word: “The exes want Erika off… but that’s not going to happen.”

Tomorrow night: Will Erika or Michelle be evicted? And how many DRAMATIC PIVOTS can Julie Chen squeeze into one hour?

Want to keep up with important events in the house? Check out our Big Brother 4 Spoiler Page for news on who wins contests and other ongoing info.

Brian James is an actor/writer/singer in New York City and the Assistant Editor of RealityNewsOnline. An avid reality show, Passions, early Ryan’s Hope, retro music, and Internet discussion board junkie, he can be found holding up "Will Snark For Food" signs in subway stations as he continues to search for that elusive "day job." Brian would like to stress that his writings are based solely on what he sees in each episode of each show, and realizes that there may sometimes be more to the story and that people may behave quite differently under normal circumstances. Comments and cybertomatoes accepted at BrianJamesRNO@earthlink.net.

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