Big Brother 4, July 25: Better Late than Never

First and foremost, my apologies in not getting this out to all of you sooner. A family emergency necessitated my leaving New York for a few days and I was unable to get to watch my tape of Friday’s episode until just last night, so please accept what may be the least snarky recap that I have ever written. I promise you a full out discussion of the Big Brother 4 housemates with all the lurid details kept in to sweeten the pot.

Of course, with just about every single reality show on TV today, we have to begin with a recap that takes us back to the dawn of creation and says something to the extent of, “Last time on Big Brother, Eve tempted Adam with the apple and he bit into it which would later result in Susan Lucci not winning a Daytime Emmy until her nineteenth nomination.” No, it was really all about the eviction of Michelle, which pretty much destroyed any plans the Huey, Dewey, and Louie (HDL, aka Jee, Robert, and Justin) triumvirate had of playing the game by their rules. They had given Michelle their word that she was safe because, as we all know, the decoy is ALWAYS safe in this game. Why do something smart like Kent did in Big Brother 2 by putting two members of Chilltown up against each other, or even like last year, when Gerry put up Eric and Lisa just to make sure that at least one of them left? Of course, you have to actually think of those things, and sadly, Jee, like so many Head of Households before him, fell into the same trap.

As with last week, we get the full vote recap with Justin and Robert casting the only votes for Erika (despite Jee’s assertion that it wouldn’t be anything but a unanimous vote showing how out of tune he and his cronies were with the rest of the house). Erika, meanwhile, tells us that not only is she harnessing the Xena: Warrior Princess inside of her, she’s going to use her power for the purposes of good and not evil (and what really is the point of that if you can’t be a little evil?) and take out HDL. As for the HDL, Justin rightly put it that they are totally screwed as their plan failed miserably.

However, luck is in their favor as we get yet another flashback to see that Dana won Head of Household. Yes, Dana. Psychotic, always pissed-off Dana. Dana who would have been on the chopping block if the Power of Veto had actually been used. Dana who could have been out of the house instead of Michelle. Dana who said that she felt bad for Michelle since she had to leave the house, but apparently not bad enough to vote against Erika in the 6-2 landslide. Yes, that Dana. In fact, HDL thinks that having Dana has Head of Household is a good thing (oh man, did I just channel Martha Stewart?) since Dana trusts them. David, meanwhile, calls her a “psycho bitch” and I’d like to remind him that it was Shannon from Big Brother 2 that was the psycho bitch, but since I’ve already compared Dana’s looks to that of Shannon’s, I think it qualifies.

So with this, everyone of course just has to check out her goodies in the room as usual. The big gift is her frog bedroom slippers from home, which she had better not get to used to since they will be packed up once again when she’s out of the room next week.

Then we’re on to the new supercouple of the house - one that has limited itself to just massages and nothing more under the sheets. Yep, it’s Psycho and Dewey getting it on. Of course, I mean Dana and Justin. We get the litany of their flirts and massages and Dana’s comment on how she likes his voluptuous lips. OK - I gotta hand it to her there. Justin does have some nice lips on him, at least on screen. It’s going to be one of those things where I’m going to run into Justin on the streets of NYC, look at his lips, and go, “Damn, Dana was really right! Now kiss me, you fool!” Of course, Justin, being a lot stronger and more muscular than me, would just pick me up and heave me into a garbage can, but it would so be worth it!

In the Head of Household Room, Dana, Justin (while being massaged by Dana), and Jun start to talk strategy of splitting the house into two alliances of five with herself, Jun, and HDL as one group and Alison, Nate, Jack, Erika, and Dave as the other. All she has to do is put up two of them and the odds swing in their favor of making sure that one person gets out and they have a better chance of retaining the Head of Household for yet another week. Of course, I’m banging my head against the wall trying to remind them that you can never predict who will win Head of Household or make plans beyond one week at a time, because I’m telling ya right now, if Dana holds to her plan and one of the group of five that aren’t in her alliance wins Head of Household, then they are in a bunch of trouble. Of course, that’s also assuming that the new Head of Household doesn’t put up a decoy, because we all know what happens then.

But back to the story. Justin, while being massaged by Dana (because you just can’t say it enough now, can ya?) tells Dana that Alison was ready to put her on the block last week. This triggers two immediate reactions in Dana: getting pissed off and getting confrontational. She immediately goes to talk to Alison, who totally denies everything and says that Justin is lying to her. Alison then apparently morphs into Dana because she goes off on Justin and tells him that she’ll take down his “stubby ass.” OK - I would have to see his ass to make sure it’s stubby, but I’ll have to take her word for it. Justin, on the other hand, tells her that she’s a two-faced liar who’s nice to everyone but secretly plotting behind a lot of people’s backs. In the Diary Room, Justin says that Alison will be heading up for eviction when the nominations are announced. As if he has something to actually do about that? Remember Dave’s plea to Jee about not putting up Michelle and we see how that went.

When we come back from commercial, we see that our men have become metrosexuals (check out Gawker.com for more news on that one if you’re unfamiliar with the term) as the Big Brother House has morphed into Jun’s Nail Shop, located at the corner of Broadway and Fort Washington in Washington Heights. OK, not really. But she is giving manicures and pedicures to some of the guys (Nate and Robert if you want specifics). Now, I’ve never had a manicure or a pedicure, and I don’t know how I would feel about it. Maybe I would like it. My cuticles really suck.

So with that piece of fluff gone, we get the food competition. With the men decked out in camouflage shorts and the women in matching bikini tops, we learn that this week’s food competition will not be resulting in someone having to feast away on PB&J for another week. The object is to catch the falling parachutes in their army hat and whatever they catch will serve as their food allowance for the week. Of course, there is a special added bonus (not to mention major product placement here): if they catch a specially marked parachute, it means that lunch will be flame-broiled burgers from Burger King. All I hope is that when they get their BK food in the BB house, it’s still warm. I mean, who wants to eat a lukewarm burger and cold fries?

The food competition turns into a madhouse as everyone starts running madly around the yard trying to catch the parachutes, and they seem to be doing very well as they start to tally up their food winnings and discover that they do indeed have lunch on Burger King coming to them. The food arrives and it’s Whoppers, Chicken Whoppers, fries, and onion rings. There’s enough cholesterol on that table to kill a small village in three days. And considering that they caught all seven Burger King parachutes, that’s enough cholesterol to kill the small town of Yulee, Florida. Justin, being the big stud that he is, pulled in nearly two dozen. Those stuck on the all carb/PB&J diet for the last two weeks owe him big time.

Next stop in this episode: the I’m Stuck on Myself Tour hosted by Jun! On this tour, you will see Jun channel Nicole from Big Brother 2 and complain about how she has to do all of the cleaning in the house. Everywhere you look there are cups that need to be cleaned, plates that need to be washed, and, by God, the people who sleep the latest are the ones who are doing absolutely nothing to help her, the Queen of the House (her term, not mine), make it a more livable situation! OK - in her defense, she has a point, but after awhile, hearing someone talk about themselves and how much they do really gets annoying and you start to resent it. So I’m hoping for her sake at least it’s a temporary thing. Basically, she was talking about Nate and Alison, or as she calls them, “the blondes,” because they are spoiled since they just got out of college.

The next stop on the I’m Stuck on Myself Tour: the Diary Room. Here, Jun tells everyone why she’s the Queen of the House. She’s the best cook in the house and she makes everyone laugh. Out of everyone in the house, people get along with her the best. She’s also incredibly sexy and while all of the other women have their own unique qualities that make them special, Jun is the “complete package.” At this point, I’m slitting my wrists because I thought Marcellas was bad last year with his Diary Room diatribes, but this is starting to surpass even him!

The final stop on the I’m Stuck on Myself Tour is the Head of Household Room, where Jun is seemingly trying to get Dana to put her (Jun’s) ex up on the chopping block - well at least to me it seems like it. Jun thinks that Dana shouldn’t trust Jee and Robert and believes they would put her up on the eviction block in a heartbeat. To support that theory, Jun mentions a recent conversation with Jee where he started stuttering, which led her to believe that he was planning something without her and not just doing a Mel Tillis impersonation. Jun tells her to stick with the original alliance of eight - well, now seven - and things will be OK for her.

Jack comes in and pretty much tells Dana that she needs to get rid of Justin since he’s a strong competitor and that they should get rid of him early since they may not be able to beat him later on. He wants to her nominate Justin and Robert. Now, let me interject here for a moment. Of the Head of Household challenges we’ve seen so far, they have all been mental. So how can Justin be a strong competitor when they haven’t had to test their physicality in anyway? This isn’t Survivor, people!

Erika later sees Robert in the Head of Household talking to Dana. Now mind you, Erika probably didn’t hear what was being said, but she wants Robert to leave Dana alone. Of course, Robert isn’t going to go quietly, so he says he can talk to her if he wants to (and, as I say to the TV, as long as Dana doesn’t mind as well, since I still think he’s a used car salesman) and besides, he knows he’s heading up for a nomination this week anyway so why does she care? Robert retires to the Diary Room where he gets emotional thinking about his daughter and how there is just no place for him to go and get away from everyone. Man, I just hate it when they give me someone to dislike and then humanize them to the point where I start to care about them. Erika actually comforts Robert during this time and they come to some form of a peace agreement that seems shaky at best and I think Robert actually apologizes to her? Was I on crack when I saw that?

Dana comes out with the nomination box and she admits to liking the power she gets to wield but she has hated everyone coming to her to talk strategy (as if strategy weren’t part of the game?). She says she looked at everyone as individuals and not alliance members when she was making her decision whom to nominate. The first key goes to Jun, who in turn passes the box over to Erika after removing her key. Erika pulls out Robert’s key and spins the box over to him so he can pull out Jee’s key next. You would think that Jee would pull out Justin’s key next (or at least the fact that his would be closer to the beginning of the list given the “relationship” he has with Dana), but he pulls out Dave’s instead and it’s Dave that pulls out Justin’s key. Nathan gets the final key, which means Alison and Jack are nominated. Alison was nominated since the two of them don’t get along and neither knows where the other stands. Jack? Well, Jack is, apparently, a decoy. Sigh. Again, they don’t learn.

The reaction to this is mixed as Justin is ready to help Alison pack and leave, while Jack says that Dana has totally gone against the original alliance (as if that old chestnut were still around). Erika surmises that Dana may have cost herself the entire game. And of course, I’m sitting there screaming, “ONE WEEK A TIME, YOU PEOPLE! ONE FREAKIN’ WEEK AT A TIME!”

I swear, these people crack me up with all of their predictions of who will go and when.

Want to keep up with important events in the house? Check out our Big Brother 4 Spoiler Page for news on who wins contests and other ongoing info.

C. Brian Devinney is a human resources consultant from New York City. When not reporting on reality TV, he can be found rooting on his beloved Yankees or writing in his online diary, Tales From the City. He can be reached at TheRealityFactor@aol.com.

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