Big Brother 4, August 1: An Eye for an Eye, a Pot for a Kettle

Previously, the HouseGuests need to shut up for voting off my favorite HouseGuest, Dave. Now who’s going to electrocute stuffed elephants and otherwise keep me entertained? Sniff. OK, so Stock Booming Melodramatic Announcer #38 doesn’t exactly say that, but I know it’s what he meant. Cripes, Dave’s even out of the credits already, the buzzards! Speaking of which, oh, look! There’s Dana’s credit! It’s really odd that even though it completely wasn’t intended this way, the first four people to leave the Big Brother house were two couples - Scott & Amanda and Michelle & David - who left in that exact order, one couple at a time.

Jack tells us that for a split second when Julie “Groucho” Chen mentioned his name first when she announced Dave’s eviction, he thought he was the one going. “Julie chopped my chicken in half!” he exclaims. That’s odd; Julie never struck me as the violent type. He really should report her to the ASPCA if that’s the case, although what that has to do with Dave’s eviction is anyone’s guess. Jack goes on to say it was a bad feeling losing such a loyal, steadfast guy; Erika concurs it was sad for everyone. Dana tells us she didn’t want David to leave, but she had no choice.

Gee, Dana, I must have missed the gun to your head at the veto ceremony! Oh, what’s that? There wasn’t one? Well, then SHUT THE HELL UP, BUZZARD’S CROTCH - YOU NOMINATED HIM OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL AND NOW HE’S GONE!!! HE’S GONE AND HE’S NEVER COMING BACK AND IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU DOING THAT, HE’D STILL BE THERE!!! HE’D STILL BE THERE, YOU HEAR?!?

Er… not that I’m bitter or anything.

Robert gloats to us about how great it is that Dave is out this early. Shut up, Robert. Alison wails to us that she voted for Dave to stay and wanted him to stay. Erika admits to us that in some ways it was actually better that Dave went instead of Jack because Dave was a target, which made it hard to have him as an alliance partner. As much as I think she and I both hate to admit it, she has a point. Justin says that it hurt having him leave the house, but from their perspective it was the only strategic move they could have made because he wasn’t on their side and was funny, athletic, and smart, which made him a huge threat. From his perspective, he has a point too. There - see? I haven’t completely lost my objectivity.

Dana rants to us that she can’t believe how this all worked out - she nominates Alison, Alison wins the luxury competition, Alison takes Nathan, Nathan wins the Veto, and Nathan vetoes Alison! “It’s like, ugh!” she grimaces. Well, now she knows most of our reactions to her. She tells us that she was trying to keep her hopes up as she was watching the Head of Household competition, but there were two people she did not want to win - Nathan and Alison - and Alison won! In flashbacks, we see Dana at the Head of Household competition unveiling her new improv character, Lemonpuss. “What the hell went wrong? What happened?” she asks us. Well, you filled out the application to be on the show, and - oh, you mean why is Alison is still around? Simple. If you wanted Nathan and Alison gone, that’s who you needed to nominate - NATHAN and Alison. Instead, you put her up against Jack, leaving her ally Nathan free to win Veto to save her, which he did, and it wound up being the latest in a long line of “but I meant…” nominations. If you meant that, you needed to have DONE that. “Nathan and Alison are a two-headed monster!” rants Pot - er, Dana, then continues, “actually, probably, together, they’re a head and a half!” Um… sure.

“How ironic!” crows Alison Morissette to us. “Dana put me on the block last week for personal reasons? The tides have changed - and they’re in my favor. Seeing as how Dana decided to argue with me on national television (we see a brief snippet from Wednesday’s episode where Alison mentioned playing with honestly, Dana cracked, “Honesty! That goes on a lot around here, don’t ya think, Julie?” and Julie, finding nothing about “honesty” on the teleprompter, told them she was staying out of it), she should probably just walk out the door right now and save herself a week of hell! I’m going to be a BITCH!” Yup, unlike that emotional, grudge-harboring Dana, Alison is obviously playing completely logically. I’m starting to wonder if she’s part Vulcan. Robert opines to us that he’s sure the animosity has something to do with Dana growing close to Alison’s ex, Justin, and Alison being territorial about it. To illustrate what a complete prize Justin is and why he would be worthy of such a duel, this is accompanied by a shot of him being completely engrossed by something on his sock.

Alison parades through the kitchen twirling her key and announces that she’s about to unveil the Head of Household Room. Nice to see that she’s remaining humble and hasn’t gotten drunk with power or anything. She enters the room with the usual Pied Piper-like procession of gawkers and gets misty-eyed when she finds a shirt with her boyfriend’s football number on it and a picture of the two of them together. She may as well give it a rest; I’m sure he’s dumped her by now. She also gets her “Meow Meow” stuffed cat from home, which is blue to match her elephant. I guess color coordination of stuffed animals is one of the things they teach you in beauty pageants. She got Ashanti for her CD request, in case you’re like me and are curious about that sort of thing. Jack tells us the mood was as somber as he’s ever seen it for the unveiling of the Head of Household Room, which makes it sound like a SoHo gallery. He notes that people filed out fairly quickly. Sure enough, we see Justin and Dana slip out of the room quite somberly and sit and pout in the living room, followed shortly by Robert. They grouse about Jee taking his sweet time in there and order Jun to tell her “f**king Korean ex-boyfriend to get the f**k out here.” OK - between this and Erika’s seemingly racial outburst a couple of weeks ago, I’m starting to wonder if Jee doesn’t make self-deprecating cracks about his heritage and the others just ape that. “He’s assuring his safety; we all are,” Jun deadpans. “Oh yeah? What do you think I have to do?” cracks Dana. Nah, too easy. Jun tells us that Alison being Head of Household means that Nathan is the actual Head of Household and she’s just a figurehead, but I’m thinking Alison’s too independent and impetuous to take her marching orders from him. Jee finally comes out and joins the others to catcalls of “Sellout punk bitch!”

“Jee stayed a little bit longer. He’s safe. The rest of them? Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid move. They know I’m after them. I guess they didn’t need to stick around anyhow!” declares Alison. Well, thank you, Queen of Hearts. I’m halfway expecting Nathan to be next to her dressed as a playing card. Alison laughs to Erika that Robert was happy at the thought that people like Dana might leave, when he was a complete ass to her all week himself and is hardly safe. Nathan notes that they all left quickly. “One of ‘em’s leaving!” vows Alison to us.

Robert notes the literal division of the alliances as he, Justin, Jee, Dana, and Jun are in the living room while Alison, Nathan, Erika, and Jack camped out in the Head of Household Room, which brings us to FILLER SEGMENT #1! (Be forewarned - this episode has so much filler and additives that I halfway expect Annette Funicello to pop up to tell us we should be watching nutritious Skippy instead.) Erika tells us that the house is divided into Good (sound of violins) and Evil (blaring guitars), and that Evil (Robert, Justin, Jee, Dana, and Jun, of course) all have tattoos! Jee’s tattoo is of a dragon since his father was born in the Year of the Dragon and it wasn’t as painful as it could have been because he was drunk at the time! Jack doesn’t care for Jee’s tattoo and thinks that a nice tattoo would be Tweety Bird on someone’s ass! Alison grouses that Dana’s tattoo looks like hell creeping down her thigh! Erika tells us Robert has a tattoo on his ankle of his fraternity - Sigma Phi Nothing! (Heh.) Alison declares she would never get a tattoo, and I find myself alarmed to be in agreement with her. (I wouldn’t want to make that permanent of a commitment to anything… I shudder to think what it would be like if I had a tattoo of something I was into at 18 on me now.) Jack notes that he frequently arrests people with tattoos! Then Dana starts yapping that people without tattoos are insecure and Robert declares that people without tattoos have no balls and no identity. Oh, good grief, what is this - an R-rated version of The Sneetches?

Robert tells us he though they were screwed with Alison as Head of Household because she’s so crazy and whacked out. (Oh, and Dana was the poster child for stability and levelheadedness?) Crazy Whacked-Out Alison dances alone on the Head of Household bed with her stuffed cat and elephant. Robert, Justin, and Dana commiserate about the turn of events and how none of them are safe. Crazy Whacked-Out Alison dances some more on the Head of Household bed with her stuffed cat and elephant. Robert confides to us that he prays Alison puts up Dana and Jun because that would be the best thing for him, Justin, and Jee - why, they quite possibly could make it all the way to the end then! “ONE, ha ha ha! TWO, ha ha ha!” begins The Count from Sesame Street on Robert’s unhatched chickens.

Alison regards the Memory Wall with Nathan and notes that now one HouseGuest from each shelf is gone. Nathan chortles to us that he’s just glad he’s safe in a manner that makes me want to reach through the screen and nominate him myself. Alison tells Nathan she wants them ALL gone, but especially Dana, Robert, and Justin - and she doesn’t trust Jun. Nathan tells her to get rid of Jun. She tells him she almost wants to put her up now, she hates her so bad, and they all should offer her deals not to put them up. Nathan tells us he wants Jun to know she’s not safe because she’s just as much of a traitor and a “sneaky snake” as Dana. We cut to a shot of the ever-fickle, waxing and waning moon to illustrate the point. Alison invites Jack and Dana into the Head of Household room and runs the idea of nominating Dana and Jun with Dana leaving, past them. Jack feels she should nominate Dana and Justin with Justin going - he feels Justin is the strongest threat to their alliance, and taking him out would cut off the right arm of the “three stooges” and leave Dana adrift. He wants them to make Dana think she’s leaving, then exploit her gratitude when she stays to strongarm her into voting their way. Alison tells us Justin is the brains of his alliance and she’s 98% sure he’s going up on the block as the Violins of Impending Doom screech us into commercials.

This episode of Big Brother is sponsored by McDonald’s, who apparently care nary a whit that archrivals Burger King supplied the house with food all last week.

FILLER SEGMENT #2! It takes them about five minutes to tell us that Jun overeats and can’t fit into her clothes anymore! They show a visual aid of the difference of how she looks in her bikini on Day 5 and Day 25 and… er… yikes. She might want to think about cutting back a little. Jun actually wouldn’t complain if she had to eat peanut butter and jelly for a week because she might lose some weight.

Why, what a coincidence! With that sledgehammer of a transition, it’s time for the weekly food competition! Alison comes out of the storeroom with red and blue packages and announces they need to divide into “Hot” (red) and “Cold” (blue) teams; everyone asks Alison to divide them into teams rather than having to choose themselves. She does so based on how they’re sitting and Erika, Robert, Jee, and Dana wind up being Hot, and Jack, Jun, Nathan, and Justin are thus Cold. Jee and Robert bitch to us that the divisions didn’t seem to be fair, and I completely sympathize because the poor souls clearly never had a chance to choose for themselves that they voluntarily gave up or anything. Everyone gets red or blue coveralls, which they proceed to cut and alter. This kind of thing was a really cool fashion statement in the hands of people like Debbie Harry. Here? Not so much.

They make their way out to the backyard to find that it’s been turned into a water plant. Their job is to connect a series of color-coded water pipes through eight numbered pipe rings. Midway through, Alison will turn on the water to make it more difficult. When done correctly, the water will come out of the last pipe and cause a rubber duck to fall down a chute. First team to accomplish this wins, with the losers stuck with PB&J and water for the week.

Jee tells us he was optimistic because he fixes stuff around the house; teammate Dana crows about them having “the handyman” on their team. Nathan and Robert both bitch to us about the atrocity of having to be on PB&J for the week. “It would kill me! It would kill me!” wails Nathan.

OK. Guess what I had for lunch today? That’s right - PB&J. Voluntarily. I used “spreadable fruit” jelly that uses fruit juices instead of sugar and made sure the bread used unbromated stoneground 100% whole wheat flour, and thus it actually was pretty good for me as well. In any event, let’s review. 9/11? Tragedy. The Holocaust? Tragedy. People killing one another in general? Tragedy. People dying of cancer, AIDS, etc.? Tragedy. Losing a loved one? Tragedy. Peanut butter and jelly for a week? Shut up.

“Is everybody ready to MAKE A SPLASH?” demands Alison. Oy. They start and the Cold team, working together in an organized manner with Jun acting as the plumbing equivalent of a surgery nurse, quickly pulls ahead despite having to redo a section that wasn’t in the correct order. Nathan tells us it was the most fun competition yet and notes that it’s the first time he and Justin have actually worked together instead of being archrivals. Meanwhile, on the Hot team, Dana and Jee both note that Robert was completely useless and just standing around unsure of what to do, and Robert admits to us that he’s never been mechanically inclined. Jee is the only one on their team who has any concept of what to do. The Cold team easily finishes while the Hot team is still at the halfway mark. Nathan says the thought of Dana being on PB&J for a week makes him smirk. Nathan being on PB&J after all his carrying on would have made me smirk, but alas, it wasn’t to be. I can still smirk at Robert’s whining about his fate, however. Jack tells us that adversity reveals character, and this is certainly true of Robert; his goes - Jack gives a “thumbs down with raspberries” to illustrate. Heh. It’s interesting to note that Jun was the only one hoping to be on PB&J in some ways and wound up on the winning team. “It couldn’t be a worse week for Dana in the Big Brother house!” Dana grouses. Awwww, sure it could, Buzzard’s Crotch! Just wait!

Jack hula hooping in the backyard kicks off FILLER SEGMENT #3: Jack Is Young For His Age! Erika notes she originally thought Jack was 42 to 45 and was shocked to find out he was 58. Eh, I could see late 40s/early 50s, but 42’s pushing it. Justin says Jack has the Clint Eastwood great shape for his age thing going on. Jack does pushups with Nathan and Nathan tells us Jack’s a stud, which is kind of an ironic word choice considering later events in the episode. Jack tells us staying in shape is a holdover from FBI days where one would get a “fat boy letter” for being overweight. Jun tells us he’s pleasant, polite, and funny. Jack tells the group there’s only two kinds of people - Beatles people and Elvis people! Dana thinks “Mama Jack” is a lucky lady! Oh, wow, she’s going to be changing her tune after seeing the “buzzard’s crotch” clip. She tells us Jack has been able to get “down and raw” with them! We see him telling her he’s met her left boob, but hasn’t met the right one, and replying he didn’t get any sex when she asks how his night was. “Jack has mack!” she guffaws. Jun quite astutely points out that playing the nice guy has gotten Jack far, but they can’t ignore his being a threat.

FILLER SEGMENT #4 (they are REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel subjectwise): Jee’s Cigarette Addiction! Robert tells us Jee’s the only one in the Big Brother house who smokes. (Amanda did as well, just for the record.) We see a slo-mo black and white shot of smoke pouring out of Jee’s mouth like a dragon. Heh. Jee tells us he came in the house with a carton of cigarettes and he’s down to only four packs; when they’re gone he’ll have to quit cold turkey. He notes that getting healthy, staying fit, and quitting smoking are his main priorities in the house. Robert tells us Jee’s trying to taper down, but hasn’t been successful yet. We see Justin and Alison get on his case for smoking a cigarette down to the butt. Dana sympathizes to us that she understands because quitting smoking is the hardest thing in the world to do; she smoked for ten years. You know, the odd thing I’ve noticed about Dana is that she’s so busy flying all over the place emotionally that every now and then she can’t help but pass through the right place. Of course, after about two seconds she’s off like a shot again. Justin tells Jee he should start looking at his associated habits, like wanting a cigarette after eating. Erika tells us that she hates to say this, but people who say they can’t quit smoking are just being weak. Furthermore, what in the world is Jee doing smoking if his father died of lung cancer? Jee tells the others about visiting his father in the cemetery and that they managed to bond as he was dying. “And you smoke?!?” snaps Alison when she hears why his father died. He admits to us that it’s knows it’s a horrible way to die and he feels really stupid for smoking, and he hopes to quit for good after these four packs.

OK - time out for a brief PSA. I recently quit smoking myself after smoking nearly two packs a day for fifteen years. The main thing is, you have to be adamant about wanting to quit for yourself. You can’t do it just because other people want you to. Once you’re at that point, more power to Jee if he can quit cold turkey, but I couldn’t. I lasted two days and went to some extremely dark and scary places psychologically in that time. This is what wound up working for me: I bought the patch in advance and prepared myself for the idea of using it. I waited until my last pack was finished so I wouldn’t have any temptations in the house (probably another reason my going cold turkey didn’t work), and then I put the patch on. The possibility of winding up in the hospital from a nicotine overdose was a good enough deterrent to keep me from smoking, which is why I chose that method. It wasn’t always a picnic, and I can’t say that I never had cravings. Justin is right in the sense that there are certain times when you get used to having a cigarette - a big one for me was walking places; I felt a little naked not having a cigarette while doing so. Others that I had are true for most people: after you eat (like Jee) and when you have coffee or alcohol; in all three cases I think it has something to do with how they affect the level of nicotine in your blood as well. But when you have the patch on, you know that your physical addiction is being taken care of, so any cravings are purely psychological and thus only require you talking yourself through them. I went through the three different levels and the last day, honestly, the patch had fallen off hours before I even noticed it. One last tip: the generic house brand you can get at places like Walgreens, Duane Reade, Rite Aid, etc., is all made by the same company and is not only significantly cheaper than the name brands, but actually works better - the patches stick better and the nicotine is delivered more consistently.

Anyway, that would be my advice to Jee - consider the patch instead. We know they can get it because they gave it to Kent in Big Brother 2 when he ran out of cigarettes, and the house is already stressful enough without adding nicotine withdrawal to the mix. At least, that would be my advice to someone under normal circumstances. Watching Jee flip out from nicotine withdrawal might prove sadistically entertaining.

That said, Gregorian chants take us to FILLER SEGMENT #5: Nathan and Alison’s Bible study group! Nathan tells us the only book in the house is his Bible. He and Alison cackle as he reads about money being the root of all evil. “We should leave right now then!” they laugh. Alison says they’ve bonded over the Bible and there’s a lot more there than people would think. Dana, conveniently glossing over the “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” portion of the Good Book, rants to Robert and Justin in the bathroom that Nathan and Alison are having Bible study every day and it’s so unholy! Justin tells us he doesn’t understand Alison’s sudden interest in the Bible; he’s never known her to read it before and she doesn’t even understand what she’s reading! “Would you tithe if you won?” Nathan asks Alison. “Would I what?” she responds obliviously. (For the record, it’s the concept of giving one-tenth of your income to your church.) Justin finds it a little sacrilegious as well. Alison finds a key passage and asks Nathan if he thinks it pertains to their situation. “Hear me, oh God,” he reads. “Protect my life from the threat of the enemy… hide me from the conspiracy…” They burst into laughter. “Could it get any more perfect?” cackles Alison, and tells us Psalm 64 is her new favorite passage. They continue cackling as they finish reading the Psalm, then tell Jun to read it as well. Jun tells us that she read it, but they’re all here to play a game, not hide behind a book like the two of them are doing; she then laughs to Dana and Jee about how Alison kept comparing the “evil people sticking together” of the Psalm to their alliance. Of course, this is all Dana, who fancies herself a good Catholic unstable loose cannon, needs to start running around screeching that she goes to church every Sunday, and she and Jun run and find their Bible and start looking at what passages they’ve bookmarked. Dana rants to us that the Bible needs to be taken out of the house because it’s being used for unholy purposes! Alison tells us the big guy upstairs is obviously looking out for her, and we see her being saved by the veto and winning Head of Household accompanied by huge thunderbolts. “We’ve got the Lord on our side!” Nathan assures Alison. Dana rants to us that she’s surprised the Bible doesn’t burst into flames when Alison touches it! This sends me over the pot/kettle edge and I start praying for a booming heavenly voice to tell the whole lot of these heathens to shut up.

In the hot tub, Nathan asks Justin, Jee, and Robert why they hate Alison so much, besides her being Justin’s ex. Justin tells him she’s a pathological liar; if he had a nickel for every time she lied to him, he wouldn’t need to be on the show! Robert wants to know why Nathan saved her; Nathan tells them he thinks she’s a good girl and a good player. “Having a lying personality of a liar, one of the personality traits that goes along with that is she’s fake,” Justin points out to him, bucking for Most Convoluted Sentence 2003. He doesn’t know for certain that Alison is playing Nathan, but points out that she’s one “smart ass bitch.”

Alison takes Jun into the Head of Household Room and tells her she knows Dana is after her; Jun pooh-poohs that everyone is a threat in their own way. Alison tells her the only person 100% safe from nomination right now is Nathan - she’s even considering Erika and Jack. She proposes a deal to Jun - she won’t nominate her if Jun won’t nominate Alison when she gets Head of Household. Jun agrees as long as the deal only pertains to next week and doesn’t extend to include Nathan, because she very well may nominate him for being a huge threat. Alison says that’s fine. Jun asks if she’s sure she’s comfortable with that considering that Nathan saved her. “Mmm-hmm,” nods Alison as the music builds to a maniacal crescendo. “I don’t trust anyone in this house. No one. Except for myself,” Alison declares to us.

Justin then enters the Head of Household Room for his conference. Alison asks who he honestly wants gone; he tells her Nathan and Erika. She tells him that they all want him out, but she’s told him from the beginning that she’s not after him and if he can trust her, she’ll stick to that as long as he returns the favor. She tells him she really wants Dana out and the only thing she can figure is putting him up against her as a pawn. To his credit, Justin doesn’t start beating her over the head with Meow Meow and screaming, “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?!?” Rather, he calmly tells her, quite reasonably, that if that’s the case, she can’t get mad at him for putting her on the block against Nathan next week. She says he’d have to make sure she was safe in that case! Er… just like she’d be making sure he was here?!? He tells her he’d do what he could but there are no guarantees. She starts backpedaling and asks him if he’d even feel comfortable being on the block as a decoy. “I’d rather not be on the f**king block!” he quite understandably tells her. She assures him she’ll work something else out, then. She asks how he’d vote if she put up Jee or Robert against Dana; in both cases, he tells her, he’d vote for Dana to leave. She wants to make sure he wouldn’t seek revenge if his “girlfriend” wound up leaving; he assures her he wouldn’t and would be much more vengeance-minded if Robert or Jee left. Alison asks him to please keep his mouth shut about this; he agrees. She then snaps that people came back to her and told her he ran his mouth about things she told him; he protests he’s never done that. What really hurts, she continues, is that other people say things about her and he never sticks up for her! (Because everything that’s come out of her mouth about Justin has been 100% positive and flattering, mind you.) He points out that it wouldn’t look good if he went around defending Alison against every little slight, and furthermore, Dana is a lot more upset with Nathan than Alison; she says she can live with Alison but wants Nathan gone. Alison notes that Nathan thinks very highly of himself and Justin tells her Nathan is just as paranoid in his own way as Dana. Alison whispers that she thinks Nathan’s gay but very closeted - there’s no way he’s not, she laughs. We see a shot of Nathan shaving his arm. Justin laughs, then says he’s never hanging out with him again and he’s certainly a “fruitcake.” “Maybe he’s got a crush on you,” Alison teases, and they cackle some more. She says she’s keeping Nathan safe this week, but after that all bets are off; then tells Justin that if she doesn’t put him up this week, he can’t put her up next week. He agrees. Alison tells us that Justin is very intelligent and levelheaded and realizes that Dana is going to go this week and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. The antithesis of intelligent and levelheaded, Dana, then tells us that sure, it drove her nuts that Justin was in the Head of Household Room for a long time, but she knows he wasn’t cutting any deals because they’re completely honest with each other. WOW is she going to feel like an idiot when she sees some of these episodes. Justin says when it comes down to it, the guys are much more important to him than Dana.

OK - the episode had barely even finished airing before I got reader emails asking what I thought of the Alison/Justin conversation about Nathan. It’s complicated. I was all set to get on my high horse about it when I realized that although Nathan’s never pinged my own gaydar, he has that of some of the people on HamsterTime, the live feed board I visit, so one of his nicknames there is Oklahomo, or OkMo for short (which makes him sound like some sort of cuddly pet - "Not now; I've got to water the plants and feed the OkMo."). Now, that cracked me up, yet the whole Justin/Alison discussion pissed me off, and at first I couldn’t figure out why and thought it was a double standard. Then I realized - it's all about intent. The HamsterTime people aren’t homophobic (if they were I certainly wouldn’t be frequenting there); it's more coming from a place of, "Oh, honey, just admit it and everything will be cool!” Justin, on the other hand, literally said at one point that he would never hang out with Nathan again if he were gay, which is homophobic. To perhaps explain the distinction more, it's kind of like how back in college, before I came out, I'd hear that someone asked if I were gay and feel betrayed because I thought they were my friend but now I thought that meant they hated me, when looking back on it, that wasn't the case at all; they were just curious and it was cool to them either way. It obviously isn’t cool to Justin either way.

Alison’s intent, upon further thought, is murkier. If she were truly homophobic and truly believed Nathan was gay, she wouldn’t be constantly hanging out with him. She might, however, know that Justin doesn’t feel comfortable with gay guys and be telling him this to further pit him against Nathan for her own purposes. It’s hard to say. The truly sad thing, though, is normally racist and homophobic statements would get me up in arms, but with this particular group of HouseGuests it’s hard to even raise an eyebrow anymore because it just seems so par for the course.

Moving along, it’s time for the weekly Death Row segment! Nathan drawls to us that you could cut the tension with a knife! Robert confesses to us that he feels threatened! Dana avers that much as Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers once sang, the waiting is the hardest part! Jun notes to us that people are losing it - tempers are flaring, patience is frayed, and things are getting crazy! Justin shares with us that everyone’s pulling their hair out! Erika tells us that Justin’s fingerprints have been on every nomination thus far, so if they can cut the head of the monster, the monster will die! We see slo-mo footage of Justin looking more oblivious than monsterlike.

Alison grabs the keys from the Memory Wall, gets the nomination box, and goes into the Head of Household Room. “These keys are heavy,” she tells us. “They’re heavy with weight and they’re heavy with emotion.” Oh, GAG. I haven’t heard such a forced comparison since Pilar on Passions looked up at the sky and solemnly intoned, “Those storm clouds came out of nowhere… like the trouble in Sam and Grace’s marriage.” Alison yaks on about how hard it is that her actions will eliminate one person from the house. Oh, WHATEVER, Ms. “She should just walk out the door right now! I’m going to be a BITCH!”

She places the keys in the box and gathers everyone around the kitchen table. Ms. “They should all offer me deals not to put them up!” actually manages to say, “I don’t like the position I’m in” with a straight face. She goes on to give the standard Reality TV Elimination Spiel #17: harder than you’d think; difficult choice; nothing personal; only a game; had to choose two people, yak yak. She gets the ball rolling by revealing Jee is safe. In short order, Jack, Nathan, Robert, Erika, and Justin are revealed to be safe, leaving Dana and Jun as the nominees. Alison tells Dana it’s just an eye for an eye; she honestly likes her as a person and thinks she’s cool, but she betrayed her and she feels it’s her “duty” to go after her. As for Jun, who fakes crying, then laughs, she’s mainly up to ensure she won’t veto Dana or vote for her to stay. With that, she apologizes to them and adjourns the meeting.

“The focuth hath definitely been taken off the exeth,” says Jun, who apparently has briefly morphed into Sylvester the Cat. She goes on to tells us she’s pissed that she’s on the block when none of the exes are. Well, you know, that’s what can happen when you align yourself with them. Robert’s thrilled at the nominations because it keeps his alliance with Justin and Jee alive, man! Yeah, but only for this week if someone doesn’t use the veto. “THIRTY-FOUR, ha ha ha!” continues the Count. Jack thinks this is going to come back to haunt their alliance and that Alison made a huge mistake. Dana tells us she wants the veto more than anything! Oh, this from the same woman who’s been harping about how people shouldn’t use the veto because it’s disrespecting the Head of Household?!? “Don’t ever try to take me down!” she menaces. “I’m not out of this house until I have to walk out the front door!” Yeah, and I’m not through writing this recap until I stop pressing my fingers against the keyboard. Her point? “If I stay, she’d better sleep with ONE EYE OPEN!” she vows. Oh? Threats of violence from the same woman who was supposedly terrified for her safety when Scott threw the chairs? I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be glad to hear Stock Booming Melodramatic Announcer #38, but he mercifully cuts in before Dana can pull another hypocritical statement out of her ass, such as how much she hates people who ****ing swear, **** it! He wants to know who will win the Power of Veto - and will they use it to save either Dana or Jun? I want to know if I’ll suffer permanent brain damage from banging my head against the wall.

Want to keep up with important events in the house? Check out our Big Brother 4 Spoiler Page for news on who wins contests and other ongoing info.

Brian James is an actor/writer/singer in New York City and the Assistant Editor of RealityNewsOnline. An avid reality show, Passions, early Ryan’s Hope, retro music, and Internet discussion board junkie, he can be found holding up "Will Snark For Food" signs in subway stations as he continues to search for that elusive "day job." Brian would like to stress that his writings are based solely on what he sees in each episode of each show, and realizes that there may sometimes be more to the story and that people may behave quite differently under normal circumstances. Comments and cybertomatoes accepted at BrianJamesRNO@earthlink.net.

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