Big Brother 4, August 8: Hubris ‘R’ Us

Stock Booming Melodramatic Announcer #38 cracks me up during the recap at the top of the show by melodramatically intoning, “… but Justin, Robert, and Jee were looking out for THEMSELVES!” Well, duh. I mean, it’s not like any of these people are in this for the March of Dimes or anything.

The credits show Dana just as I would like to always remember her. Mute.

Dana gets evicted in black-and-white and Alison wails in the Diary Room that she feels guilty about it. So guilty, in fact, that she makes one perfect dab under each eye to wipe away the tears. It’s hard for me to take her remorse seriously when her body language is screaming, “Look! Look at me! See, I can be on The Young and the Restless! Look how picturesque and symmetrical my sorrow is! Look!” Anyway, she sobs that she knows how important the game was to Dana so she feels bad, but it was either Dana or her because Dana hated her - so she’s happy she’s gone! Look! Look at how complex she is! She can run through a whole gamut of emotions in one monologue! Look! Look, I say!

Nathan tells us he feels like Dana leaving was in the best interest of the house and he was happy to see her go. Jun shares with us that she feels a lot of relief at still being in the game and the 6-0 vote really boosted her spirits even though she’s crying. See, now Jun’s tears, while surprising, I’ll buy because she’s a pretty straight shooter when it comes to the Diary Room. Alison? Not so much. Erika tells us this is a hardcore game where you need to separate yourself from your emotions, and Dana had absolutely zero capacity to do that. “Because she was crazy!” she brightly clarifies. Heh. Justin says it was hard for him to look Dana in the eye on her way out, but she knew that if he voted for her it would have been for personal reasons, and she knew he’s really big about drawing the line between the personal and the game. Well, actually, being Dana, she probably knew that for a few seconds, then swung over to thinking that he should have voted for her because she saved him, then started thinking she was happy to go, then noticed some dirty glasses, and the whole thing just #%^$%$%^ PISSED HER OFF, $%$%^$^% IT!!! We see Jun alone crying on one of the beds in the Love Room (the orange room with the two double beds). She tells us that Dana took the game to a level where no one wanted it to go - a very personal, vengeful level, which is why she’s an “emotional firecracker” right now, but she doesn’t want anyone to see her in “full breakdown mode” so she’s isolating herself. With that, she pulls the blankets over her head. See no breakdown, have no breakdown.

With that, it’s time to rehash the Head of Household competition. Nathan tells us he felt it was crucial for him to win since he feels like a marked target. Too bad he didn’t, then. Jack once again fails to match “obsessive” with “Dana” and goodnaturedly gripes to us, “I need to turn around and have someone kick me right in the ass!” I’d prefer he turned around and kicked some of these other people in the ass, but that’s just me. In the end, of course, Justin wins, Jee squeaks, “Yes!” and Robert starts literally jumping up and down with glee. Justin tells us winning felt great after his string of finishing second. Jee tells us he couldn’t hide how ecstatic he was for the “Dream Team”; Robert also gloats that now no one can take out the “Dream Team”! Nightmares are technically dreams, right?

For those of you who like your points delivered with sledgehammers, Nathan plays solitaire in the living room while we see the Nightmare Nimrods laughing and grinning away elsewhere. Alison comes in and asks Nathan how he’s feeling. She tells us she flirted with Nathan to get him to use the veto on her, but that wound up putting him at great risk. She hugs him and tells him it’s not over yet. “Come on - who are we fooling here?” he responds flatly. She asks if he wants her to leave. “Do what you want - you will anyway,” he passive-aggressively mumbles as he remains focused on the cards. Well, that should encourage her to rally around you. She looks at him in disbelief and stalks off.

In the bathroom, Robert gleefully notes to Justin and Jee that Nathan’s almost crying! Justin says at least he’s being “respectable” by not coming over to them. Much self-congratulatory “Dream Team” yakking ensues, punctuated by Jee declaring that they “got brotherhood up in this place, you don’t know!” The Dead Brain Cells’ Society, apparently. Robert says they’re going to get cocky! GET?!?

In the Diary Room, Justin twirls his Head of Household key cockily as he tells us he can’t wait to see what goodies lie in store for him in the Head of Household Room. He leads the merry band of HouseGuests into the room for the grand unveiling. Jack thinks it has an interesting use of the gift basket but overall lacks some of the imagination and verve of previous Head of Household Rooms. Robert opines that it has some of the fire of the Late Dana period blended with some of the soothing notes of Early Jee. Alison says she gets the message behind the arrangement and finds it an interesting commentary on today’s society. Jun declares that a five-year-old could have done better and the state of Head of Household Rooms in general is going down the toilet. “I don’t think you can even call this a Head of Household Room,” she sniffs. This sets off a lively and spirited debate: just what is a Head of Household Room, anyway? Is it just in the eye of the beholder? Or are there certain criteria that have to be met?

OK, so no. But I swear they always act like it’s a gallery opening.

I can’t quite tell if Justin’s CD is by the group Live or if it’s a live CD of another artist, possibly the Dave Matthews Band. The cover art is no help as it just says “Big Brother Head of Household CD.” His mom sent a statue of an Airedale as apparently his family breeds champion specimens. Justin thinks Jack and Nathan just briefly popped in so as not to be rude. He tells us he and Nathan have an understanding of sorts that they’re going after each other, and he just happened to wind up in this position first. On the Patio of I Told You So One-upmanship, Jack and Nathan commiserate and Nathan brings up that he told people (read: Alison, apparently) that Justin needed to go - and now look what’s happened! However, Jack confides to us that he’s been pushing for Justin to go since he walked in the door and that Nathan’s mistake of not putting him up that first week has now come back to haunt him - he told him he should have violated the agreement he and Justin made in the Head of Household competition and put him up anyway! Mike and Carol Brady come out to tell them that nobody likes a “told-you-so”-er and to get in gear for the Roaring Twenties party.

Nathan bitterly notes that Alison’s campaigning “like no other,” and we see her in the kitchen laughing and gossiping away with Robert and Justin about Nathan. Justin says no one had better use the veto on Nathan and Alison swears she would never do that! She then tells us that both groups think she’s on their side, but she’s going wherever the power is, while Robert tells us they’ll use Alison for a vote if they have to. This is punctuated by a shot of the moon. Ah, yes, the ever-fickle waxing and waning moon with its associated wily feminine mystique. At least, that seems to be what it’s supposed to symbolize whenever the editors trot it out.

More self-congratulatory yakking from the Nightmare Nimrods in the Head of Household Room. Justin tells us it’s a tradition for people to visit the Head of Household individually to plead their case. What’s not a tradition, however, is having Jee act as doorman - announcing each visitor, asking Justin if he wishes to see them, and informing them they have a five-minute time limit. The editors, on the ball as usual, have ersatz Godfather music in the background. Alison is the first to visit with Don Justin, who tells her to inform the other peons that he will be taking two visitors tonight and the rest tomorrow. Erika decides to get it out of the way and is permitted entry after being screened by JeeI’mGettingALittleTooIntoThis, who shows her to her footstool at the foot of the bed. She tells us that she found the Vainglorious Boy Three’s acting like Mafioso quite stupid and childish - which, she notes, is “obviously to be expected.” She tells them that she thinks she’s played the game straightforwardly and has never lied to any of them. “Very true, very true,” squawks Jee over and over again like some sort of demented obsequious parrot. Justin says that he hopes that whoever he nominates will take it as a compliment for it means that he thinks they’re strong players! My eyes roll into the back of my head. She tells us it was quite humiliating to have to sit there and bite her tongue, but unfortunately they’re in power so she has to suck it up and “kiss some ass.” “Your five minutes are up now, Erika,” decrees JeeINeedToShutUpNow.

Next, Jack is permitted entry and jokes to them that he’s been covering their backs since Day One. He tells us he actually found the whole routine funny and that if you lose, you have to eat crow and whatever else is dished on your plate. “I am eating the humiliation apple with gusto,” he informs us. I wonder if that goes with the Rutabaga of Rue? Justin tells him they’ve respected the way he’s played the game more than anyone in the house because he knows how to draw a line between the personal and the game. Jack, choking down a massive mouthful of the Farina of Forced Subservience, tells them he respects them as well and whatever decision they wind up making. He tells us that Justin is the brains of the outfit, Robert the emotion, and Jee the diplomat, and together, perhaps the three of them have a place in the Vatican or the Oval Office or some other “Machiavellian scheme.” Jack is escorted out and the brains, emotion, and diplomat do some more self-congratulatory hooting and hollering as we see a shot of Nathan fitfully tossing and turning in bed and reading his Bible. Jack tells us Nathan is aware of all this laughing at his expense as he’s right down the hall. Robert gloats to us that they want to humiliate everyone in the house because they were the original targets, so they’re going to rub it in, brag about it, and be even more unbearable, and they don’t care! Sounds like a winning strategy to me! I’m off to check my stock of Pepto-Bismol.

If it’s 18 minutes into a Friday show, it must be time for the obligatory weekly Peanut Butter And Jelly Diet Is A Fate Worse Than Death Griping Montage! I swear, if I were in charge, the next person to complain about it would be getting a week on the Live Octopi Diet. Justin tortures Jee by eating nonrestricted items in front of him with his mouth open. Charming. Jack also relishes the opportunity to eat steak in front of two of the Stooges and rub it in. Erika explains that they’re only allowed to eat peanut butter and jelly, condiments, vitamins, water, tea, and coffee, although bread seems to be allowed as well. Rebel Robert decides to create sandwiches out of condiments! After a Bleu Cheese and Thousand Island salad dressing combination, he hits upon a winning formula of mustard, mayonnaise, steak sauce, and paprika. He explains that with every bite, it tastes like he’s about to be eating something more substantial! This is all about as thrilling as it reads.

The HouseGuests roar when Justin comes out of the Diary Room dressed in a huge chef’s hat and declares in his Jee imitation voice, “We gonna slice and dice!” He gives them three minutes to get changed into their swimsuits and get into the backyard for the food competition: the Big Brother Cooking School. Today’s lesson: “How to Cook a HouseGuest.” Unfortunately, they don’t mean that literally. I can think of a couple HouseGuests I wouldn’t mind seeing roasting over a spit with an apple in their mouths. They have to divide into four two-man teams to make “recipes”; one of them has to be the chef and the other the food. Each team is responsible for one meal: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, and Snacks/Desserts; they have to uncover their menu board and follow the step-by-step instructions to complete their “recipe.” All four meals need to be completed in ten minutes. Any uncompleted meals result in PB&J for everyone for the week for that meal. If they complete all four, they get a special lunch from outside the house all week long.

Erika picks up a sledgehammer to remind us that a week on PB&J is worse than a week on the torture rack. She (chef) and Jack (food) are first up and tackle breakfast, which turns out to be cereal. For the first step, Jack has to dress up as a giant strawberry and winds up looking like a Fruit of the Loom commercial reject. He deadpans to us that being a strawberry isn’t exactly what most FBI agents have in mind when they think about their image. Erika next has to fill a giant bowl with tons of cereal and about fifty gallons of milk. Jack has to sit in the giant cereal mixture to complete the recipe. He woefully tells us he’s finished with the bureau and will never be able to go to another agents’ meeting now that they’ve seen him dressed as a strawberry - sitting in a cereal bowl, no less - on national television. I have visions of him trying to make a serious point in a meeting and someone in the back crying out, “Yeah - listen to the strawberry!” Heh.

Jee (chef) and Robert (food) tackle lunch next. Robert has to dress up as a giant hot dog and lay down in a giant bun. In other words, Robert is a big wiener. How apropos. Jee has to slather on four entire mopfuls of ketchup and mustard each, then dump on buckets of sauerkraut and relish. Alison laughs to us that Robert was screaming “like a little girl” as Jee slathered on the condiments, and indeed he does. He tells us it’s because after this past week of condiment sandwiches, he doesn’t even want to look at condiments - but it was worth every second not to be placed in front of a firing squad - er, eat PB&J!

Next, Alison (chef) and Nathan (food) tackle dinner: a chicken fajita. Nathan has to dress up in a giant chicken suit, which basically consists of a giant bunch of feathers for the tail, a matching feather wig, and a big bright yellow and red beak. He quite understandably confesses to us in the Diary Room that he felt like an idiot. He has to lie on a giant tortilla and be covered with tons of onions, guacamole, salsa, and sour cream, then be rolled up. Finally, Justin (chef) and Jun (food) tackle snacks and desserts and make a banana split with Jun as the banana. She lays down in a giant dish and has all the ice cream, toppings, and whipped cream dumped on her. They finish all four in the allotted time and Erika tells us how relieved she was because if she had to face another week of PB&J, she’d be DEAD! DEAD, do you hear? Erika, you’re one of my favorites at this point, but SHUT UP. They find out their mystery prize is a weekend of lunches from Subway, and in keeping with the level of gratitude, appreciation, and ability to look at the big picture that is rampant among this crowd, according to the live feed updates Nathan is continually bitching about it not being Quizno’s. World’s tiniest violin. Jack tells us he didn’t want the contest to end as he rather enjoyed being a strawberry! Just don’t let the boys back at the bureau hear that, I suppose.

In keeping with the nonstop thrill-a-minute urgency that is this episode, the HouseGuests come in from the competition and are utterly gobsmacked to find that the table has gotten smaller! Why this continues to be such a huge shock to them when THE SAME THING HAPPENS EVERY YEAR is anyone’s guess, but before we know it, off the HouseGuests tumble into reading us their entries in their essay contest, “What The Smaller Table Means To Me.” Jun tells us it jumpstarted her competitive spirit and the gloves are off! Erika tells us it makes her nostalgic for those halcyon days of yore when all thirteen of them laughed and loved around the larger table! Jun further shares that as far as the people who have left, they’re ghosts, they’re gone, and goodbye! Ah, Jun - ever the sentimentalist. I’ll bet she agonizes for hours when she cleans out her closet. Alison then shares that it just reminds her how much work is left for her to do in the house; there’s still a lot of chairs around that small table! It’s right about this point that I feel like screaming, “It’s a FREAKING TABLE!!!” I haven’t done this much eyerolling over forced conclusions since I saw a French film where one of the characters said, “This sweater is blue. I know it is blue because my mood is blue.”

If it’s 32 minutes into a Friday episode, it must be time for Filler Segment Repository Theatre! For our first act, Jun and Jee $%^$%$%^ argue all the #$#$%# time, $%^#$%#% it! Jee tells us that Jun is constantly trying to get under his skin and Jun tells us that Jee needs to learn that he’s never going to beat her in a verbal argument, which I would say is certainly true. In a battle of wits, she has an M-16 and he has a pair of safety scissors. They then $%&$%^$% argue about how she $%^$%$ worked four jobs because she moved out of her %$%$%^@#^#& home and he %^%^^%^& played Nintendo all $%^$%^$%& day. Jun tells us their history begins nine years ago and she’s always had the upper hand in their relationship; he adds that when they met, she was 19 and he was 15 and she became a sort of nurturing maternal figure to him. They then %^&%^&$^& argue about her $%^$%^ always trying to %^&$^$ sabotage his $%$%$% life. The two of them agree that part of the reason they argue so much is for strategic purposes to throw the others off. Well, $%^$%^$%!

Next up - Erika tells us that there may be no music in the Big Brother house, but that won’t stop them from dancing! Oh, good grief - what is this, Footloose? Alison teaches prim ballerina Erika how to hip-hop dance in the backyard. She scoffs to us about Erika’s attempts to get down with her bad self, but I would point out to her that she’s not exactly funky fresh on the G tip herself, there. Erika tells us that Alison is an incredible dancer, and I don’t notice any obvious signs of brainwashing. Justin regards their efforts with his arms folded and tells us that their dainty hopping and skipping drives him nuts, but when we see his attempts at dancing, which would send Elaine from Seinfeld running screaming from the room, it’s clear he has no room to talk about anybody. “I don’t think I’m that bad!” he protests to us. That’s right, Justin - keep telling yourself that. Robert tells us the only decent dancers in the house are himself, Erika, and Alison - everyone else should just forget it. To illustrate the point, Nathan does this wiggling move with his butt where it’s anyone’s guess if he’s trying to dance, lay an egg, or relieve his constipation. “That’s how we do it!” he exclaims. Alison points out to us that it might be better if he refrained from doing it if that’s the case. Erika tells us that Robert’s actually quite a good salsa dancer and that was how they met - at a salsa club. They dance for the group and while it’s hard to tell without music, they really don’t seem half bad.

The focus remains on Robert as we… oh, good grief. Apparently Addiction Roundup is becoming a new weekly feature on the show. Last week we had Jee’s efforts to quit smoking; this week, Robert tells us about his alcoholism. I mean, not to belittle either one individually as they’re certainly serious issues, but when you have them coming so close together like this, it starts to smack of sensationalism and emotional manipulation and veer dangerously close to Afterschool Special and Lifetime Movie of the Week territory. At this rate, who’s going to break down about their heroin addiction next week? Eh, maybe on some levels it’s effective. I mean, would you want to take after Robert or Jee in any way?

In any event, Erika and Robert sit by the pool and she asks him why he decided to stop drinking. He tells her it was getting worse and worse and he was finding himself drinking in the morning to the point where he couldn’t get up to take his daughter Elena to school. He tells us he’s an alcoholic and he was drunk every day and neglecting everything to the point where he lost his job and his car and was about six months away from becoming a bum on the street. Instead, now he’s a bum on national television. (I’m sorry; the set-up was just way too perfect.) He tells Erika this realization was horrifying and he knew he hit rock bottom and was hopelessly addicted when he didn’t eat for a week and needed two drinks just to stop his hands from shaking when he filled out a job application. He reminds Erika that toward the end of their relationship she used to tell him things like, “Oh, honey, a drink already?” She admits that she can see it in retrospect but it wasn’t full blown at the time. She notes to us that toward the end of their relationship Robert did start drinking more and becoming extremely depressed. Robert tells her that when they went shopping together he’d be craving a beer and that as soon as she went to work he’d get a six-pack and start chugging. He tells her it’s been a year and eight months since his last drink and tells us how important that is to him. He tells her he could notice the physical improvements right away when he stopped and she asks him rather pointedly if part of his 12-step program is making amends with people. He agrees and says he’s sorry for everything he put everyone through.

At this point they show a clip of his utterly adorable daughter as he tells us he was always too sick or hung over to do anything with her back then and starts crying and OK - UNCLE, editors! Enough with the emotional blackmail! I’m not made of stone here! He continues to cry as he tells us that for Father’s Day, she made him a card in which she listed all the reasons why she loves him and among them were things he didn’t or couldn’t do while he was drinking - getting her to school on time, taking her to the movies - and we see footage of the two of them hugging and I’m only reaching for the Kleenex because a speck of dust got in my eye. I swear. Shut up. Erika tells him she’s glad for him and he tells her he doesn’t let himself get too proud of himself and just focuses on taking it day by day. Erika tells us he hasn’t taken one drink in the house even though there’s alcohol all around, which she finds really commendable. We see a final shot of him drinking cranberry juice with a bottle of champagne right in front of him on the table. I’d just like to point out that as much as I think it’s great that he turned his life around and really seems to care about his daughter, it’s still possible for me to find him an ass overall. You can’t manipulate me that much, editors.

Jack and Erika admit that they feel bad for Nathan. Jack tells us the mood is actually fairly upbeat among everyone except Nathan, who feels like he has targets all over him and is forced to see alleged ally Alison courting the Three Stooges shamelessly; as of last night she’s been spending all her time with them. Erika notes that you can’t turn on your alliance because then nobody wants you. Not to mention any *cough* Dana *cough* names, but this would seem to be true. Jack and Erika talk about how getting Head of Household hasn’t been all that critical for them and hey, let the Stooges do the dirty work of getting rid of Nathan and Alison! Erika says they haven’t had to be in the position of pissing anyone off with the nominations, and with eight people left it’s still anyone’s game! I really like these two so I hate to break it to them, but once Nathan and Alison are gone, WHO ON EARTH DO THEY THINK IS GOING TO ALLY WITH THEM?!? That’s the one flaw I have with them: their thinking isn’t flexible enough to realize that the Original Eight is basically dead as a doornail and they need to start cutting some side deals with individuals rather than in essence drift along in a life raft and hope for the best. As if reading my mind, they congratulate themselves on being OK and say they need to stay out of the way all the way to the finals. Yeah. That’ll happen. It’s times like this when I wish I could jump through the TV screen and shake some sense into people.

“Can the peasants come in?” laughs Nathan as he enters the Head of Household Room, telling us he was going to try to cut a deal with Justin. Nathan gives them this long convoluted spiel that basically boils down to that he’s harmless because if they spare him this week, he won’t nominate them next week if he wins Head of Household, and if they or anyone else win, they can just nominate him then instead, so they should get Jack or Erika out instead and he won’t use the veto on them if he wins it. Yeah, it makes about as much sense to me, too. They manage to tell him it’s something to think about with a straight face before collapsing into hysterics the minute the door is closed behind him. Nathan tells us all the trust is gone in the house and it’s himself versus everyone else as he slips into the Slow Motion Walk of the Damned.

If it’s 51 minutes into a Friday episode, it’s time for the weekly Everyone’s On Pins And Needles Awaiting Nominations segment! Various people on both sides yak about how nothing’s secure and it’s nothing we haven’t heard a million times before, except that Jack tells us he feels Justin should nominate Alison with Nathan because he won’t be able to trust her.

Justin sighs as he regards the Memory Wall and tumbles headlong into Overanalyzationland. He notes to us that now that he’s in this position, as he sees all the smiles in the pictures, he begins to realize that some of them are conniving smiles (close-up of Alison’s picture) and some are sincere smiles (close-up of Jee’s picture). He neglects to mention the “OK, let’s get this taking my picture thing over with” smiles (most likely all of them). The people who betray you (close-up on Nathan’s picture)? Well, their pictures are eyesores that you stay away from! At this point, the house psychiatrist pulls Justin aside and asks him if he feels the pictures are talking in a language only he can understand or trying to send him a message in any way.

He grabs the keys off the wall and heads into the Head of Household Room and regards the nomination box. He tells us that some keys seem to fit into the box easier than others, and that some of them belong there and some of them don’t. I had a toy like that when I was four. The star really doesn’t fit in the oval hole - which, come to think of it, would make a good title for my autobiography. Justin tells us that he wishes he could take three people out at once and that he hated having to put some of the keys in the box. Ye gods, he’s a SERIAL NOMINATOR!!! Run, Little Liza! He realizes that leaving someone’s key out of the box is shattering their dreams, but you’ve got to be selfish! And I’m sure he agonized over it for all of 0.23 seconds.

He rounds everyone up and brings them to the NOW SMALLER table for the nomination ceremony. Oh, good Lord, he’s dragging out Reality Constestant Speech #14, which REALLY needs to be retired: he’s playing with HONESTY! And INTEGRITY! And he values TRUTH! Oh, cram it, Abe Lincoln. Yak yak nothing personal, just a game, recognizes that if people lie inside the house that doesn’t mean they’re liars outside, yadda yadda, and finally he starts the key pulling. Robert is safe, followed by Jun, Erika, Alison, and Jee, which leaves Nathan and Jack as the nominees. Justin tells them that he likes both of them as people, but they’re strong players on the other team and ultimately both of them didn’t hesitate to lie to his face and he can’t look past that. I’m utterly baffled as to what he’s referring to. That they voted Michelle out? That was Alison, Erika, and Jun as well. That they told him they weren’t going to go after him? What else were they supposed to say? Eh, who knows.

JeeI’mAnObsequiousLapdog yips that Justin made the right decision. Justin tells us he’s going to work hard to win the veto and leave his nominations intact. Alison tells us winning the veto would put her in an awkward position because she’d feel obligated to use it on Nathan to return the favor. Looks like someone’s going to be throwing the competition. Jack moans to us that the alliance is in shambles - they’ve gone from eight to four and now it’s going to be three! I hate to break it to him, but it’s most likely already down to just two. Nathan tells us that he has a good feeling that he’s going to get off! Well, bully for him, but how does he feel about his nomination?

Brian James is an actor/writer/singer in New York City and the Assistant Editor of RealityNewsOnline. An avid reality show, Passions, early Ryan’s Hope, retro music, and Internet discussion board junkie, he can be found holding up "Will Snark For Food" signs in subway stations as he continues to search for that elusive "day job." Brian would like to stress that his writings are based solely on what he sees in each episode of each show, and realizes that there may sometimes be more to the story and that people may behave quite differently under normal circumstances. Comments and cybertomatoes accepted at BrianJamesRNO@earthlink.net.

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