Big Brother 4, September 2: Burning the Candle at Three Ends

So… let’s see what we remember from before… did you watch on Thursday when Jun won HoH? Did you watch on Friday when Alison took the Power Of Veto? Good, you’re saving me a lot of time here, but for those of you who have attending summer camp with Osama Bin Laden in a cave in Afghanistan, let me fill you on the update that it’s gone from the Elite Eight against the Fab Five (and I am not talking about the group from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and don’t even get me started on them) to a classic case of boys versus girls.

Sigh. How trite.

Now, if the flashbacks about the veto competition at the start of the episode weren’t bad enough we get even more flashbacks right after the opening credits. Is this just good filler time for you CBS? I’m sure there’s an episode of Murder, She Wrote lying around that you forgot to air that you could throw in as well. Maybe Jessica Fletcher could solve the mystery involving the murder of a blonde, pompous nitwit with the IQ of blackened toast who happens to be locked in a house with four other people. I think even Jessica would tell the police chief that it was merely self defense on their part since she was simply driving every one of them insane. And hell, while I’m on the topic of Alison let me just ask a question out there for everyone…

Is it just me or is Alison’s nose really weird looking? Think back to those Diary Room sessions where she’s looking straight on at the camera? Her nose just looks weird to me. I can’t explain it.

Anyway… enough about me…. it’s time for more about me because we’re getting flashbacks of Jun at the MTV Video Music Awards and I was supposed to be there working but due to a rugby injury I had to pass on the event (standing on a busted ankle for thirteen hours would not have been a good thing). Of course, imagine all of the good stuff I could have told Jun if I had been given the opportunity to even get close enough to her to yell out that Alison was a two-faced backstabbing snake who thinks you have the fashion sense of Cher on Oscar night. Something tells me my credibility with CBS would be shot by then.

So basically everyone is jealous that Jun gets to attend the awards and be a part of all of the fun and excitement. Alison proves that she’s just like Marcellas because the spotlight isn’t on her and since she’s the “star” of the show all of the attention needs to be on her and I swear I am so setting her up for a Hall of Shame nomination that it’s not even funny. I mean, yeah, you can be jealous that someone you know got to go and have a great experience while you were grounded at home because you cheated on your chemistry exam or something stupid like that but come on, Alison. Must you be so petty?

What am I thinking? This is Alison we’re talking about. Of course she has to be petty.

How petty is she (and Erika for that matter)? The two of them sit around and complain about the stuff they had to do when they were the HoH and how it doesn’t compare to getting to go to the MTV Video Music Awards. Erika talks about the dinner from hell where she got to wear that kick ass outfit with the pitchfork and Alison had the water pipes challenge. Oh boo friggin’ hoo people. Do you know what the MTV Video Music Awards are like? Let me tell you this… first and foremost they are LOUD. Extremely loud. Painfully loud. You’re deaf for about a day and a half afterwards. Second, it’s packed. Most of the people spend their time downstairs in the men’s and women’s lounges (and actually for the MTV show they are pretty much co-ed) kibitzing and hanging out rather than actually watching the show. If they are watching it’s on a monitor and not in the audience. It’s insanity at its best and worst.

Anyway, pretty much everyone starts bashing Jun and how much they hate her. Not just for getting to go to NYC and to the awards show, but how much they hate her. And, of course, who is the ringleader of it all? Why it’s Ms. Alison! Quelle surprise. Jun is nothing but greedy and materialistic, she whines to Erika. This is shown juxtaposed to shots of Jun proving why she’s nothing more than a mini-Imelda Marcos as she talks about her seventy-five to one hundred pairs of shoes. Alison turns on the waterworks (which to me seemed a little fake) as she laments that Jun doesn’t deserve to win because she has so much already and that her boyfriend and his family were dirt poor and he has never had a car and how even though her father is a lawyer she’s still not well off and yadda yadda yadda blah!

Shut up, Alison! Hello, pity party of one you’re table is waiting next to the kitchen and the slop troughs.

Do you think this is a ploy on Alison’s part? Of course it is! Nothing Alison does in the house isn’t directly related to her desire to win this thing outright even if the entire jury can’t stand her. If it was just Alison and Saddam Hussein left in the house in the final two, I bet Alison would still lose. She thinks she has this entire game wrapped around her little finger and all she has to do is turn on the waterworks and voila! Everything is going to go her way. There are times when you just want to reach through the TV and give her a good smack.

Erika… well I dunno if she is falling for it or if she is just hedging her bets that Alison is going for the Emmy Award for Outstanding Over-acted Performance by a Woman in a Reality TV series (against fellow nominees Christi from Bachelor 2, Toni and Amy from Paradise Hotel, and the twin diva “friends” from Cupid). Either way, she says things like, “You’re a good girl,” to Alison and part of me really has to pause and think if Erika is just talking to Alison as if she is a golden retriever on purpose or she genuinely means what she says. I’ve never called anyone a “good girl” or “good boy” unless I was talking to an animal so… you know how I feel on the issue.

Of course, Alison, sad as it is, pretty much is the center of attention this week because she has the power of veto which means that most of the episode tonight and probably tomorrow will be dedicated to the glory that is Alison, who is a star but only in her own mind. This also means that Robert and Jee have to do some fancy maneuvering to keep themselves in the house and sadly it has to do with them making deals with the she-bitch and the Golden Power of Veto. Jee gets his assignment from Charlie… I mean Robert… that he needs to go and talk to Alison about possibly using her veto power to save either Robert or himself because that would just leave Erika as a nominee against either him or Robert. Then they can get her out of the house. After all, Jee says (using an argument that is sure to win Alison over and make her use the veto), she’s most likely not going to win the grand prize anyway. She could get second, but of the votes in the jury so far, she’s most likely going on an 0-4 run.

Alison, in the diary room (because why would she say this to his face since it’s not like he’s going to vote for her should she make the final two), says that Jee made his final last ditch plea and he can go take a flying leap for all she cares because she’s not going to use the veto to save anyone this time around. Jee, she’s showing you the door.

Filler time. I wish it was like Miller time when we could all grab a nice cold beer and sit back and relax but as we all know (or at least as my fan club headquartered in Harrisburg, PA, knows) I am not a beer person. Therefore, I would be drinking a nice big bottle of champagne. But it’s filler time so we need to sit around and talk about how odd it is that two of the former couples are still in the house together – Robert & Erika and Jee & Jun. Alison proclaims that of all of the exes in the house she and Justin were the closest probably because they had split up most recently of all of the couples. Donny, her boyfriend (although we should all hope it’s ex-boyfriend the way Alison has been whoring around), apparently hates Justin since he was this award winning athlete at Pitt. Jee says that even though he and Jun are nice to each other in the house, they are most likely not going to be talking to each other very much if at all after they leave the house.

Now, remember this next conversation because it will come back to haunt one of them later… Robert discusses how if they all knew who they would be sharing the house with (meaning their exes) then they would have never walked in to begin with and left the game before it even started. Robert then goes on to talk about how it has worked out well for him since he and Erika have worked past their issues and their former relationship in order to cohabitate peacefully. I think he stops short of actually saying they have forgiven each other. Erika just smiles while all of this is going on.

I told you it was just filler.

Anyway, we’re outside the house now and Erika and Alison are sunbathing when Alison suddenly sits up as if someone had stuck and electric cattle prod up her butt and states that she wants Jun out of the house. It’s one of those spontaneous, out of the blue moments of Alison’s where it appears that she’s had her allotment of one clear, articulate thought for the day and she has to immediately share it or she’ll forget it. Of course, as this is all about Alison and her getting to the finals so she can lose, it has a hidden agenda to it. If for any reason that Alison can’t make it to the finals on her own, she wants to make sure that she has her bases covered with Erika and Jun. Either one can take her with them to the finals but she just wants to make sure she gets there. This will be a recurring theme tonight so when you hear me talk about it again (and I will), don’t think that I rewound the VCR and started the tape over again.

Spotlight on me for a moment – Here’s my favorite dream scenario that came out of that conversation: Alison winds up winning the final Head of Household and has to choose between Jun and Erika and both of them are expecting her to take them to the finals and Alison can’t make a declarative statement as to which one she’s choosing and her head explodes. Okay so maybe the last part is far-fetched but can you see her in that position thinking how much she’s screwed herself over by playing both ends against the middle?

Sigh. That would be loverly.

Anyway, everyone wonders how and when Jun will return and of course this means that Jun is arriving at that moment, which she does through the front door. Showing that they are not an alliance, the women all gleefully hug each other in the manner you would do to someone that you haven’t seen in about ten years when you happen to run into them at a Stuckey’s off Exit 32 on I-95 when you both reach for the same pecan log. Basically, the screaming is so loud that I think small dogs in Ethiopia could hear them and howl as their ears are ringing with pain. The guys just stand there and let Jun get mauled by the ladies.

For the rugby viewers/readers out there, we know that she was mauled because is rugby a maul is “tall.” Sorry, I had rugby practice last night. Helping coach the newbies for a few hours leaves stupid phrases like “rightie tightie, leftie loosie” running through your head, too.

Jun goes into the details of her trip, including the fan in the mosh pit who came scurrying over to tell her what a fan of the show she was and I was hoping that she would also tell her to backhand Alison for being an evil, conniving bitch but sadly that information didn’t get passed on in a timely manner. Interesting to note that Jun picked up on the fact that Alison and Erika were both jealous of her experience just by looking at their body language and at their eyes. Remember this now. It’s important.

Finally, Jun learns that Alison won the veto and Jun is glad that her faction is still in power of the whole shebang and that it seems almost inevitable that Jee and Robert are going to go up against each other to stay in the house. Interesting to note again that the women are most likely going to vote off Jee and aren’t giving Robert any consideration in possibly winning HoH, which of course is the WRONG thing to do in this case and I really hope he pulls it out so he can sit back and watch the women fight over who gets to be nominated. That will be fun.

So finally, the HoH room is opened up and the women are there first and the guys slowly drag their butts to the room after it’s been opened. Jun gets all teary eyed because her current ex, Bob, has sent along her Pirate Booty (I love the stuff too… the spinach/kale stuff is fabulous!) and some Mrs. Fields’ cookies, but he also included the Beanie Baby penguin that they got for each other on their first date to the zoo. It’s one of those thoughtful gestures that men do that make you wonder why they broke up in the first place. The women are all gushing over how cute Bob is and they finally tell Jun how thrilled they are for everything she has gotten and leave with Jee still in the room. He finally breaks down (and not in the crying way) and lets Jun in on all of things that went down while she was gone – namely how pissed Erika and Alison were that she got to leave the house and attend the VMAs. Jun is shocked by all of this and she knows she should trust Jee but apparently not since she spills it to the women who all deny doing it. However, we all saw them both admit to being upset and jealous so the “Liar, Liar Pants on Fire Award” that the lovely Andrea Shuman normally gives out to her Meet My Folks participants gets transferred over to Big Brother 4 and is awarded to Alison and Erika for boldly lying even when Jun herself admitted she could see in their eyes that they were upset she got to leave the house.

Filler time part 2. Jee’s birthday. He got a pie from the Big Brother powers that be which was jokingly called boysenberry but Jun said they misunderstood when she asked for poisoned berry. He does get big hugs from Rob and Jun with pretty pathetic hugs from Alison and Erika. I do mean pathetic as if they felt guilty for not running up to hug him immediately.

Leaving filler time for a moment, Alison is now plotting getting herself to the finals with Robert now since she feels that she has the best chance of winning it all if she is sitting next to Robert in the finals. So now she has, in her own mind of course, Robert, Erika, and Jun all taking her to the finals. Of course she’s not talking to Jee about this since it’s pretty certain that he’s toast this week. Okay so if a candle had three ends then Alison is just a-burnin’ them all. I hope she likes hot wax treatments. Wait, we already found out that she does – when she had Justin putting wax on her breasts in the hot tub a while back.

So we head into more filler time as everyone wonders what is going on inside the other house, which means that we have either an update for us about the Loser Lounge or something else altogether. Well it is the latter as the remaining five get to take turns posing as their recently departed HouseGuests in a movie about what could possibly be going on in the house. Jee gets to be Justin, Alison is Jack, Erika is Dana, and Robert, looking a bit like a young Vicki Lawrence with the wig on, is Nathan. (Though there is some switching of parts along the way.) After taping, they will be shown the movie while dining on standard movie theatre fare of popcorn and candy. Actually everyone does a great job finding the attributes that they miss most about their former compatriots. From Dana’s walk to Justin’s back scratching to Nathan’s accent, they nail everything perfectly. I must admit that even I have a good laugh at all of them but of course, we all know they are going to show this tape at some point to the jury. It’s a given.

Enough filler and back to the talk… now remember what I said before about Robert being glad that he and Erika were in the house so they could put things behind them. Well sure enough Erika is in the bedroom with Alison and she’s making Alison promise not to vote for Robert should he make the finals. Alison, who wants to go to the finals with just about anyone, agrees and they both admit to how much they hate Robert. Yep. They used the “H” word here people. Erika buried the hatchet with her ex but she still hates him. Even though earlier in the episode he said that if he didn’t win he wanted her to take the money. And she hates him.

Of course, Alison realizes that Erika has just placed her in the jury and not in the finals so as she’s doing ab work inside with Jun (using poor form as well, my friend Austin, a personal trainer, says) she tells Jun that Erika now has to go. First it was Jee. Then it was Jun. Then it was Jee again. Now it’s Erika. Who will it be tomorrow? Herself?

So finally Jee makes one last ditch effort to save himself from nomination knowing that even if he gets saved he’s most likely going back up since Alison has veto power. He promises not to put Jun up next week if he wins HoH but even if he stays he will still be the main target, sparing Jun another week. Robert, he does admit, can’t stand Jun but Jee also gets Jun to admit that she would want Alison to be the first one out of the house. They’ve had that somewhat secret alliance for so long but will it last past this week?

Not at all. At nomination time, Jun puts up Alison and Jee for nomination (much to the shock of Robert). Now what editing didn’t show us was that Alison knew she was being nominated so she could take herself off and put Robert in her place. Jun says that she nominated both of them since they are the strongest players in the house. It was a strategic move on her part. In the Diary Room, though, she admits that her alliance with Jee is over and she’s severing her ties effective immediately.

Will Alison pull a Marcellas and not save herself from eviction? If so, will she also head to the Hall of Shame for her stupidity? Is Jee really heading to the Loser Lounge? We’ll find out tonight!

Want to keep up with important events in the house? Check out our Big Brother 4 Spoiler Page for news on who wins contests and other ongoing info.

C. Brian Devinney hails from New York City and has appeared on The Sally Jesse Raphael Show and MTV's Big Urban Myth discussing reality TV. You can read his other work on his website, Tales from the City, and can contact him at TheRealityFactor@aol.com.

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