Big Brother 4, September 17: Bitches, Sluts, and Whores – The Celeb Filled Recap

Hey… do you remember what happened last week and the week before that and the week before that and remember when Tootie went to New York City to find the girls and her purse and coat were stolen and she almost got roped into doing prostitution on the streets of New York because this girl’s pimp wanted her as part of his harem? Well all of that except for the part about Alison being a good sport about things happened in the recap.

And speaking of recaps, must Julie Chen do one of her infamous pivots before we get another recap of what we just recapped? I’m picturing some wanna be Zach from A Chorus Line off in the corner going, “…and that connects with turn, turn, touch, down, back, step, pivot, step, walk, walk, walk. Right we’re going to do the whole combination facing away from the mirrors. A-five, six, seven, eight.”

Now, I would also go into viewer mail right now but pretty much no one disagreed that Alison’s nose is a bit screwed up when I mentioned it last time. What is on everyone’s mind though are the racial (if not racist) comments that Jun and Alison made regarding Robert, his Cuban heritage, and his daughter. For the record (or for those who for whatever reason can’t access the article linked), Jun threatened to destroy a white butterfly present that Robert had made for his daughter saying, “That bitch is never going to see it.” Even worse Jun, herself a minority and someone who we would think would know better than to do something like that, said, “His father should've stayed in Cuba. His family is like... No speaky English.” Alison, on her own accord, has repeated referred to Robert as “that Cuban faggot” and wanted to humiliate Robert on national TV by saying, “I vote to evict your sorry motherf---ing Cuban ass out.”

Shall we say Hall of Shame nomination here people? Anyone against it?

Finally, for the record, yesterday was my birthday and I kicked off the Farewell to My Twenties International Tour by going through the San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy last night and drinking more piña coladas and beer than I probably should have. But I did get to see Eldon from Murphy Brown and finally have real braciole instead of the garbage I made while trying to emulate Aunt Donna on The Family. Anyway, I watched the episode this morning with a nice hangover so some things may be a little fuzzy – even for me.

Anyway, we do have a recap to get to don’t we. This can’t be the Jun/Alison are truly bitches, sluts and whores recap… or can it???

(insert evil Brian laugh here)

So… we all know how Robert is pretty much on the chopping block since he lost both phases of the Head of Household competition. Of course we all remember Jun losing her shawl and absentmindedly taking her hands of her key (quite reminiscent of Jason last year fumbling for his hat and taking his hand off of his key for a brief moment) and then Jun soundly beating Robert in the second phase of the HoH competition. All that remains is to name the new Head of Household and take it from there so he can go on his merry way.

But first, we have to listen to the three people brag about themselves and why they are the competitor. To me this is just filler until Robert has to go have a nice talk with Julie Chen before he and the “Dream Team” reunite and solidify their votes. Personally, I think that the Dream Team also includes Dana at this point and they are a solid voting bloc. In fact, before we even get to the inevitable because unless one of the women obtained a second or third personality (or in some cases, a first personality) we’re pretty damn certain that Robert is going tonight, right? So let me just say it… I think Jun wins it in, at the very least, a 4-3 vote with the entire Dream Team voting for her. I would not be surprised if it was a 6-1 vote either with maybe Nathan being the lone vote for Alison.

Anyway, back to the bragging… in this very special Barbara Walters interview, we asked the final three people what it would took for them to get to them where they are today.

Jun says that she has to listen, hide her emotions, and be a strong competitor, but not too strong. Apparently she was referencing Jee with her last comments there but let’s just take a quick look at Jun not really hiding her emotions as she threatens to rip apart the gift that Robert made for his daughter! FOR HIS DAUGHTER, JUN! Someone please restrain me from jumping through my TV, going back in time, and throttling Jun for saying that about a sweet little girl that she has never met. Personally, I can’t wait for Jun to have kids and have someone say that so she can feel the pain and hurt that I’m sure Robert is going ot feel when he gets out of the house and starts to read what they have said.

Wow… am I on my soapbox today or what?

Alison says she owes her success to her ability to manipulate and adapt. Of course she doesn’t miss the fact that she flirted like a common whore as well which explains why Nathan took her off the block and wound up getting booted not too long after as well. Part of me just feels for Donnie wherever he is because this is supposed to be his girlfriend and she’s admitted to whoring around the Big Brother house just so she could win some money that she will probably blow on lip gloss and rhinoplasty. Sorry, but that nose is really bothering me still.

Finally Robert, poor, sweet, delusional Robert, thinks that he’s still there because he’s the best player in the game and he listens to people. Of course, Robert, if that was the case then you would have had no problem in that last HoH competition. And of course, as many people will tell you, just because you’re the best player in the competition doesn’t mean that you’re going to win the competition. Sometimes he’s so off the mark it makes me want to cry buckets.

To prove this point, Robert tries both ends against the middle as he goes to both of the women and does his best to split the women apart and give him whatever edge he can in the decision making process to keep him in the final two. Basically he says that if he gets voted out by them, he will sway the jury vote against them. Is this a possibility? Well, for at least two other votes it is and I would somewhat take it seriously. Of course, you have to remember that keeping him in the house would also be votes in his favor. It’s a thin line to walk. Robert, for some reason and I don’t know why and I don’t think he will ever be able to explain why, tells us in the Diary Room that he feels very comfortable with his situation right now.

Of course the women run to each other with this info and compare notes (which is what led to their tirade against Robert) which only solidifies this gender based alliance. The reason I call it gender based is because these two women, in my opinion at least, really don’t like each other all that much and pretty much just aligning with the other woman in some form of mock girl power. Personally, I think it’s going to wind up with the winner being announced, the two women giving each other a fake “I’m so happy for you” hug, and then they never speak to each other at the post-production party.

Into the house we go live where Julie goes to Alison and asks her if she would rather spend one more day with the mime or another seventy five days in the house. She opts for the extra time in the house which really kinda makes me wonder if she was going to start flirting with Jun because there aren’t any men left and then again Jun may not want to be anywhere near her at that stage. Then again there is Donnie to deal with when she gets out of the house as well. Something tells me that relationship won’t be lasting much longer.

But in this situation I have to feel for the mime. I mean did CBS really take the mime’s feelings into consideration here when they threatened to put him in the house with Alison. Isn’t that cruel and unusual punishment? Should Amnesty International be contacted in regards to this? I would hate for that mime to be trapped in the house with Alison.

Jun thinks that by winning the money her parents may like her again. Okay I need someone to explain to me why Jun’s parents don’t like her and why would they like her now that she has money? Whatever happened the old Beatles song, “Can’t Buy Me Love?” And is that really what you would want your parents to like you for? The fact that you brought in money?

Robert then gets asked why he has won all of the America’s Choice competitions. Actually Julie phrased as follows: “Why does America love you so much?” All I have to say is that she should have looked at who the other choices are and then ask herself why the BB4 writers would even think to make her ask such an asinine questions. At this point, a wave of nausea hits me from my hangover and I black out for a moment and I don’t hear what Robert says but something tells me I’m not too far off on the answer.

So we’re leaving the three behind so we can talk about stress levels in the house and for a moment I thought we were heading into a segment helmed by Dr. Phil as he yells at everyone for being so useless and whatever reason they give is utter crap. (Dr. Phil irks me if you can’t tell… I mean who would take diet advice from a man that my roommate thinks should be listening to his own words instead of telling others how to live their lives). Anyway… here’s “Dr. Phil” with his take on the final three players…

“Jun uses food as her comfort source in times of high stress. Look at her stuff her face continuously from morning to night. The moment Jee stepped foot into the house, her stress level went up ten million percent and the first thing on her mind was where were the double stuffed Oreos to keep her company on a cold Big Brother night. Sadly, she’s not choosing foods that work with her situation or her environment because if you look at this before and after swimsuit shot of Jun, you will see the difference.”

At this point, “Dr. Phil” shows the audience the before and after shots of Jun in a bathing suit. The difference in the two pictures is so startling that the entire audience gasps. Half of the audience claims to go blind just from looking at the picture and the other half merely gets one nice rousing wave of nausea but somehow manages to keep everything down.

“Alison, on the other hand,” begins “Dr. Phil,” “she shows her stress through the breakout of pimples on her face. When she started the competition and it was merely the eight of them in the house, see how nice and clean her face looks. As soon as Justin enters the house though, you notice this little blotch here at the end of her nose. Sure enough, if you take a look at Alison’s face now versus her face when the show started, you will see that she could use either a copy of my new book, ‘Pimpin’ Out Your Stress,’ and some Clearasil.”

Cue the next before and after shot of Alison and sure enough she looks like she’s a freshman in high school without an Oxy pad to be found. The audience members who aren’t blind after seeing the before and after of Jun are now blind from the picture of Alison. This almost causes mass pandemonium in the “Dr. Phil” studio but since the arm and leg clamps he uses to brainwash people into believing his pompous rants (delivered at a volume level that people in Djibouti can hear him even though their local TV stations don’t even carry the show) are firmly in place, no one is escaping just yet.

Finally, “Dr. Phil” comes to Robert. “Look at him. He’s happy-go-lucky. He’s playing hopscotch. He’s picking the petals off of the flower and singing a happy tune of ‘She loves me, she loves me not.’ He is totally in control of his own destiny. Or so it seems. Watch as I mention the magic word.”

At this point, the audience, still blind from the pics of Jun and Alison, start to mutter about how they can’t see what “Dr. Phil” is doing but they do hear him utter Robert’s daughter’s name and they hear him dissolve into a myriad of tears and shoulder-heaving sobs. The audience, unable to see how pathetic it sometimes looks when Robert does this, all “awwww” at this moment thinking that it’s really something very tender.

“Dr. Phil” then signs off by hawking yet another book (this one about using the power of color therapy to help you put together the right tie-sock-hanky combo).

Do you want to hear about the family members of the remaining players expound on their offspring, siblings, or whatever you want to call them? Eh… me either. I know, I shouldn’t mention that I fast forwarded through this section but since I never seem to get anything really good (except for when David was called a loser by Michelle’s mom) it’s all been rather bland. I think Robert’s family thinks he’s just been lucky (you mean like the time when Erika was over on her HoH question by a mere six hours?) and carried to where he is now by his alliance with Justin and Jee. All the others utter the standard sentiments about their friend/relative and then end with an obviously scripted line.

So now we go for the final HoH competition to determine who gets the thrill in voting out Robert. This time Alison and Jun must do an odd version of The Newlywed Game by trying to answer questions as their exes would have answered them. And here to host the show is Booooooooooooooooooooob Eubaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks!

“Bob” rounds the corner with his trademark high hair, high eyebrows, and high contestants (well with some of the answers they gave they would have to be high).

“Hi there and welcome to the Newly-Exed Game.”

Jun pipes up. “Um, Bob. Jee and I have been exes for some time now.”

“Quiet, Jun. This is my show. Anyway, do you know why a wedding ring is worn on the third finger? It was once believed that a vein of blood ran directly from the third finger on the left hand to the heart. The vein was called vena amori, or the vein of love, and early writings on matrimonial procedure suggested that it would be appropriate for one's wedding ring to be worn on that special finger. So we have your exes on tape from the Loser Lounge with the answers to these yes or no questions. The winner of this round gets to vote out Robert! Are you ready?

The girls squeal yes and we’re off.

Question 1: “Alison and Jun, we asked your exes if they still found you attractive. What did your ex say?”

Alison votes yes while Jun goes for no. Okay, before I even reveal the answers was there any doubt that Alison would think that about herself? Did she forget all about Dana in the Loser Lounge? Apparently so because she’s the one who gets the national humiliation when Justin says that he’s doesn’t find her attractive but Jun nails hers down for a 1-0 lead when Jee says that he doesn’t.

Question 2: “Okay ladies, did your ex trust you before they were nominated?”

Alison again, stuck on herself, thinks that he did while Jun opts again for the negative option. Justin again gives the Alison slam as he says that he didn’t trust her while Jee was certain that their alliance was alive and he did trust her in the end.

“Bob” notes that the score is still 1-0 and offers up the third question to the ladies.

Question 3: “Ladies, did the guys feel you ‘had their back?’”

Alison, who may finally be getting the clue that Justin’s not into her as much as she would like to believe, opts for a “no” answer while Jun, who apparently didn’t listen to the answer to the last question, says “no” as well. Justin goes three for three as he says “yes” to Alison while Jee, the secret alliance member to the end, also says “yes.”

“Bob” notes that the score is still 1-0 and wonders whatever happened to that couple who matched on the question regarding the one thing that the husband didn’t want the wife to discuss on TV, which was the planned murder of her uncle by her brother and cousin.

Question 4: “Alison and Jun, how did the guys respond when asked if their ex was responsible for their breakup?”

Alison and Jun both say no and what did the guys say? Justin agrees that it wasn’t Alison’s fault while Jee does place the blame on Jun. “Bob” notes the scores is now tied at 1-1.

Question 5: “Ladies, what did your ex say when asked if you have a soul?”

At this point, raucous laughter comes from the Internet community who firmly believe the two to be without souls, but both women answer yes and are matched by their exes. Jee though does add that Jun has a soul even if she was a bitch at times.

Question 6: “The score is 2-2, ladies. Now, we asked your guys if they felt their ex was more in control of the house than they were?”

Alison pops up with a no answer while Jun oddly goes with yes. Shockingly enough, she’s right and so is Alison (although no shock there) and Bob notes that we are still tied although the score is now 3-3.

Question 7 – “We asked your guys if they were better in bed than you?”

Alison appears shocked for a moment but surprises nobody by answering “no” while Jun easily shows “yes.” Jun takes the lead because she matches Jee while Justin says he was better than her. She looks shocked. Oh please.

Question 8 – “Jun, you’re leading 4-3. If you answer this correctly, you are the new Head of Household. We asked the guys if they would want to see their ex again outside of the house.”

Alison opts for a “no” answer while Jun, thinking she has Jee wrapped around her finger even though he’s away in Mexico, says “yes.” Alison ties it up when Justin says he doesn’t want to see her again and I have to admit that I was disappointed he didn’t add something about seeing her again if she was the last person left on earth. I wanted that drama. Jun, however, appears stunned when Jee says that not only does he not want to see her again, but he has no desire whatsoever to even be around his ex. So much for my theory that he would vote for her in the finals.

So we’re off to another tiebreaker where “Bob” asks, “Ladies, how many days did you and your ex date.” They show their answers and Bob gives his patented “I’m shocked at what you just said and I thought I had heard it all” look when Alison writes down “0” and Jun opts for “one million.” Yes, that’s 1,000,000. “Bob” knows Jun threw the competition. I know Jun’s thrown the competition. The guy in the control room knows Jun’s thrown the competition. A chimp that Nash Entertainment uses during episodes of Meet My Folks knows Jun’s thrown the competition. Not shockingly enough, Alison wins HoH.

Now it’s over to the Loser Lounge Luau where Dana and Justin are still rutting like rabbits in heat and Nathan is still suffering from… um… hand cramps I guess (take that as you wish) and is begging for a woman to show up. Sure enough there’s Erika who promptly learns she’s Nathan’s bedmate. Well she didn’t learn it as much as Nathan told her she was his bedmate. I should try using that line in bars more often I guess because sure enough she’s curled up in the bed with Nathan and he’s gloating that she sleeps naked. Then again maybe I shouldn’t use it. I don’t want to look as hormonally desperate as Nathan does.

Anyway, time for Julie Chen to state the obvious as she asks Alison in the HOH room if she thinks Jun threw the final stage of the competition. Let’s see. Don’t you think they arranged that, Julie? Justin is her ex and they dated for ZERO days while Jun and Jee dated for one million days which equates to almost 2739 YEARS? Julie, Julie, Julie. Nothing gets by you.

So it’s time for Alison to oust Robert, but we have to let both people say something about why they should stay but of course it’s useless since Alison tells Robert to take a hike. Actually she says something about him having the votes to win it all and how his threats to her about poisoning the jury are not the reason she’s voting him off, etc. Frankly I think anyone up against Alison has the votes to win it all. So Robert goes off to Julie-land where he tells her that his threats were really just “game play” and he’s going to base his vote on who he thinks deserves it more.

As long as it’s not Alison I will be a happy man. Jun I could live with. Alison winning will make me never want to watch this show again.

Finally, I guess Robert isn’t going to loser lounge just yet (or maybe not at all since there’s just a week left) because they brought out his daughter and even I had an “awww” moment as they hugged and all of the audience members from “Dr. Phil’s” show all got their sight back in time to watch it too. How sweet.

So, we have one week left to decide a winner. My question is what the hell will we watch for the remainder of the episodes? How exciting will it be to watch these two in the house together?

Ooh! Maybe we can get them to do a Crystal/Alexis Dynasty-style catfight. That would get me to tune in.

Or maybe Jun can talk some more about Alison’s “photogenic” memory, a comment she made early in this episode that wasn’t worth mentioning in context but just had to be brought up before the end of the article. Many viewers spit out their drinks in humor at the idiocy of that remark, I’m sure. So on that note, we’ll leave until Friday.

Want to keep up with important events in the house? Check out our Big Brother 4 Spoiler Page for news on who wins contests and other ongoing info.

C. Brian Devinney hails from New York City and has appeared on The Sally Jesse Raphael Show and MTV's Big Urban Myth discussing reality TV. You can read his other work on his website, Tales from the City, and can contact him at TheRealityFactor@aol.com.

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