Surviving the Pearl Islands, Episode 1: Rubbed the Wrong Way

We’ve been reading about it for weeks now, trying to predict the outcome, sometimes looking at the spoilers, hearing about the big twist, the big lie that one contestant tells, another big twist, etc. OK, enough already – it’s time for the 90-minute premiere of Survivor: Pearl Islands!

However, the contestants don’t know it yet. As a boat with all 16 players sails from Panama City, Panama, host Jeff Probst tells us that they don’t know their adventure has already begun. They just arrived on the plane and thought they would be relaxing for several days before starting the game. They think this boat is heading out to take publicity photos. Heh. The suitcases they carefully packed with essentials? Worthless. They will be taking only what they are currently wearing. Uh oh. Welcome to the Pearl Islands, where there is a history of looting and piracy. The jungles are rugged, weather temperamental. The water is magnificent but filled with dangerous marine life. There are sharks, stingrays, eels, whales, and more. This is where they will spend the next 39 days (well, a few of them will spend that long). Of course, in the end, only one will remain. Yes, it’s finally time once again for Survivor!

The boat drops anchor off the coast of some islands. The contestants are welcomed and Probst says the game is on, starting now. Oh, sure, they have lots of luggage downstairs, and in the past, he says, it has been true that Survivors could pick stuff from their luggage to take with them. “You guys won’t have that luxury.” They are told that they are going in with just the clothes on their back, just like if they were really shipwrecked. Sandra sums it up nicely, saying, “Oh sh**.” They’ve got expensive suits (particularly Andrew), a cute strapless dress with nothing under it (Nicole), a Boy Scouts uniform (Lill), etc. Probst says he did get tennis shoes from their luggage so at least they have a chance for challenges.

They do also have an opportunity to leave behind watches, wallets, passports, money, and jewelry they don’t want to use. Osten had bottles of wine with him that he has to leave on the boat. Heh. The tribes are, of course, Drake and Morgan, named after pirates. The contestants are split up one by one as pirate-type music plays in the background. In case you didn’t already know, the tribes are:

Burton
Christa
Jon
Michelle
Rupert
Sandra
Shawn
Trish

Andrew
Darrah
Lillian
Nicole
Osten
Ryan O.
Ryan S.
Tijuana

As they are called, there are a few comments from the peanut gallery. Rupert has a very nice tie-dye. Christa thinks he looks stgrong as an ox, and like a big ol’ hippie. She probably figures she can ask him where to get drugs. (Okay, that was a cheap shot. But come on, you knew it was coming.) Tijuana is in heels. Osten says she’s a Nubian princess. Jon says he goes by moniker of Jonny Fairplay, but he says he doesn’t play fair. Oh please. He’s said about one thing and I hate him already.

Probst tells them some more. When they arrive, there will be nothing waiting for them. No food. No tools. No flint and steel. However, he offers them 100 balboas each (Panamanian money). They are being dropped near a small fishing village and it’s market day. There’s not a lot there, but he says if they are smart and have a plan, they can get what they need. Remember those words – ‘cus one tribe sure didn’t. He encourages them to explore the village, and even to barter with what they have – they are not coming back again. Also, they have to save enough money to hire a boat and driver to get to their camps. And they need to be there by sundown. Once again they are encouraged to work together. Ryan S. says this is way beyond what he bargained for.

So it’s time to get in the water. Probst encourages them to get moving by throwing in their shoes. In they go! Osten says he is not a big water fan, not a strong swimmer. Rupert says swimming with clothes on is hard – he’s in denim jeans. He was spent and it hadn’t even started yet! Didn’t these kids ever take lessons in water safety? When I was in high school, it was a requirement. We had to jump in the pool fully dressed and convert our jeans into a flotation device (take ‘em off, tie the legs off, and blow water into the waist from under water). But enough about that.

When they arrive on shore, it’s a wet t-shirt contest! Well, not really. I wonder if that’s why producers made sure the women were more dressed up – there was less of a likelihood that any of them would be wearing a white t-shirt.

Anyway, Ryan S., one of tonight’s main narrators, says the Morgan tribe didn’t come to shore together at all – no plans or goals. Apparently, they didn’t listen to Probst’s 27 warnings that they should work together. Some of the girls take off immediately. Ryan O. does as well, like he’s not part of tribe – he doesn’t consult anybody. He says he wanted to check out the village and find where stuff is and where a boat is. But when he gets there, he realizes he has no money or map. He tries to ask them how much it would be to go almost anywhere. They’re looking at him like he’s an idiot. And, well, it would be tough to argue against that.

Meanwhile, Drake seems a bit more organized. Rupert is pooped and needs to rest at top of stairs. As he’s sitting there, Morgan drops off all their stuff right next to him and leaves. He’s sitting there and realizes that, hey, this is a pirate adventure. Pirates pillage. Pirates steal. So he grabs some stuff from them like women’s shoes and puts it in the Drake raft. He then carts it away, handing some off to Jon and other tribe members. They all use the stolen booty to trade with people for food and other items. “We are pirates, so we pirated.” OK, I gotta say that as of right now, Rupert is my favorite. That was absolutely brilliant and hysterical to boot. And we never do get to see the Morgan tribe’s reaction – they might not have even noticed!

Some members of Morgan finally get together to compare notes. Tijuana got water, Osten says they need flint & steel, a machete, etc. Osten admits that things are a bit chaotic. A bit? He sells his clothes to benefit the tribe. Then he tells the women that old men are horny – they might not need to pay anything, just show ‘em your boobs. Well, that certainly gets a great reaction from the women, at least one of whom immediately thinks he’s a jerk.

For Drake, Jon says Sandra spoke the language (Spanish, for the record) and worked out some incredible deals. One lady at a store is joking with Trish, saying she wants her eyes, wants to keep her around, etc. Trish takes it as a big gag, but Sandra thinks the woman actually wants Trish in sexual way. Well, Osten would have had some ideas about that. But anyway, Christa says the village people (that is, people who lived in the village, not The Village People) liked Sandra because she was respectful while the other tribe is going around yelling at people. Well of course they were yelling – they didn’t speak Spanish and the village people didn’t speak English. Everybody knows that if you are talking to somebody who doesn’t speak English, you talk louder to make them hear you better.

With that we cut to Tijuana telling a woman to give her their money back. The woman refuses. So they take the merchandise they say they paid for. Another person at the story says they didn’t pay for it, and an argument ensues. Wouldn’t that be something if some of the tribe didn’t even make it to the beach, but were thrown in jail for shoplifting within the first couple hours? Nicole voices over that she already is not getting along with Tijuana – she gets overexcited. Huh? OK, I guess I’m missing something. Apparently, Tijuana should have just let the shopkeeper rip her (and the tribe) off. Eventually they resolve it and Tijuana says they even came out on top.

Back to Drake, where Sandra comes upon a huge cookout and trades her gold chain for all the chicken they have, plus aluminum foil, sauces, a cutting board, knife – everything but the grill! Smart thinking by Sandra to keep an item of jewelry that she (apparently) wasn’t emotionally attached to.

Tijuana has a case of the envies as she sees all the wealth the Drake tribe has piled up. She knows that Drake took their time, Morgan didn’t.

And speaking of not taking their time, Morgan tribe is running to the dock to get their boat. Ryan S. is yelling from the back that they still have money left over, but the others running off. He thinks could have gotten more supplies. Ah, so this is the tribe Probst told Wayne Brady (on Brady’s show Thursday morning) were idiots because they left while still having money! So off they go on the boat.

Drake is still there, though. They have purchased a live chicken, toothbrushes, just a “ton of stuff.” Fishing line, hooks, wine, tarp, two machetes. Hmm, I wonder if they’re the ones who Probst mentioned in previous interviews – they bought wine instead of insect repellant. Maybe both tribes aren’t so smart right at this moment. Christa thinks they are ready for the jungle now, though.

Morgan gets to their camp. Ryan S. is excited, but says there really isn’t a celebration. They get together and people are immediately talking about where to put camp. He wants to celebrate! But Osten says he’s in game mode, and it seems the others are as well. Sorry, Ryan, you’re outta luck. The sun is going down quickly.

At the urging of Osten, they run up and down the beach, though to what purpose I’m not really sure. Ah, they’re looking for the perfect spot to build a shelter. Ryan S. says Osten has big muscles, and he lets you know about it. Oookay.

First they find a spot under a tree and Lill (who is throwing Osten for a loop with her scoutmaster uniform) starts a fire using a candle. She says it’s hard not to be the scoutmaster here, but she knows that she can’t do it. Good for you, Lill! Smart thinking. Rather than building a full shelter there, though, Andrew finds a shale wall and they use bamboo posts to create a lean-to. Immediately they see that the wall is not 100% stable, but they still go with it for the night.

Drake arrives at their own beach amid screams of joy and celebrating. Ryan S. would have been so happy. They even get together for a group cheer. Then it’s time to build a shelter. They end up deeper in the jungle for their shelter. Some gather firewood, some bamboo, some fronds. Trish says she is surprised at how well they all worked together. Frankly, so am I. What kind of Survivor is this? No bitching and moaning about the work? No complaining that one person wants food and water while another wants shelter and fire? There are certain things we expect in an opening episode of Survivor, dammit!

Burton says they built the shelter right away and it looks pretty good. Christa is exhausted and could really use a drink. Ah, well, Burton opens a coconut and surely he’ll offer it around, right? Wrong. Sandra is annoyed that he shares it only with Shawn and Trish, not even offering it to a parched Christa. Even Trish, who benefited from the coconut, says that Shawn and Burton are already taking leadership positions. And they’re also already alienating some people. To be specific, Rupert says Shawn is being a pain in the butt. He says the dynamic duo are posturing and will make everybody hate them. Ah, now that’s the early stage of Survivor that we all know and love!

So it’s time to look for water. It’s about a quarter-mile away as they follow the map to find it. But Jon says that’s where every single mosquito on planet lives. Heh. Whoops, they didn’t buy insect repellant! Yup, I was right – they’re the ones who got wine instead. Though, I must admit, I often walk out of the house and remember everything except the insect repellant, so I can see how that would happen. It’s just not something you automatically think about. They probably should have thought about it, but it’s not nearly as bad as leaving town while still having money jingling in your pocket. Then again, they still should have found something other than wine to buy – something else that might have been, you know, helpful in the long run. We see numerous shots of people slapping at the mosquitoes on them. Ooh, lots of bugbites shown. Shawn is simply covered. Several of them look like they have chicken pox.

Time to head back to Morgan, where they are out of the water that they bought. So it’s time to go find it. They come upon some running water, but it’s orange and nasty. So they keep looking. Um, don’t they have a source like Drake?

Night falls. The noises of the jungle surround them and startle them. They hear rocks falling from the cliff side – like I said, not very stable. And they are getting bitten by crabs. Oh, and there’s a snake. What fun! Wait. Never mind on the snake. It was a palm frond. Osten says he goes into freakout mode when he sees anything. Andrew says Osten leaps and shrieks if something touches him. So much for Mr. Muscleman.

Back to Drake, where they are drinking their wine and toasting to nobody going home anytime soon. Jon voiceovers that they traded mismatched shoes for the wine (indeed, probably Morgan’s mismatched shoes) and he seems proud that he concentrated on that aspect. Burton says doesn’t know what it was – wine, moonshine, or what. But it’s good.

Rupert, the “troubled teens mentor,” says Jon reminds him of boys he mentors who say stupid stuff about smoking something, drinking something, getting girls, whatever. Jon thinks he’s funny. Christa says he’s a goofball, but a little obnoxious. A little? Sandra says she can’t stand him. He talks crap all night long, cursing over and over. It’s already old. On and on he goes. Idiot. And those are just her thoughts, not my own editorial commentary. Though, frankly, my thoughts pretty much echo hers and I got to see the edited version of him.

Michelle says they didn’t purchase any clothes – they didn’t think it was necessary (yeah, but wine was). So they slept soaking wet. Rupert says he was wearing his dress jeans – hard and heavy. His crotch has nice wet denim rubbing to wear skin away. What a nice visual image. Thanks, Rupert! They are pretty miserable, Christa says. But wait, they realize they can do stuff with just the few pieces of clothing they already have. So they cut up some dresses to make other clothes. Suit pants have to come off for Shawn – he cuts them into shorts. Rupert gets a skirt from Christa, while Michelle gets another portion for a skirt of her own. Rupert says he looks really silly, but it’s done, he’s wearing a dress. Heh.

We’re back at Morgan tribe, day 2. They are chopping some branches and still need water. Some of them suggest that can wait ‘til later, but Scoutmaster Lill says no, it can’t. Oh, look, Tijuana finds the water well on map! Imagine that. Well, at least one person had brains enough to look. Some brilliant leaders they have there.

With that out of the way, it’s time to build a real shelter with a floor and not in a hermit crab home. Lill and Ryan S. go for water. Lill says that with her shirt hanging out and all dirty and the like, she doesn’t look like a scout should and she’s gonna get ragged when she gets home. Ryan S. says he’s her best friend now, she doesn’t particularly care about the younger girls trying be cute. She says he’s a good kid. We have our first official alliance.

At Drake, some people are resting, but Burton will have none of it. He has a spear gun they bought and decides to go out and use it. Shawn goes too. They find a huge mess of fish and get… one. Shawn is excited. But Rupert says one fish not going to be enough, so he takes the spear to go out. He gets one. And another. And more. He’s getting pretty sunburned. He had wanted to get eight, one for each, but doesn’t quite get there. Shawn says Rupert is a huge asset – he worked his ass off. But he was beat. Rupert says he doesn’t know if he can keep up that workload. He’s trying to make people believe there is no way they can get along without him. Of course, everybody knows that providing food is indeed a good idea (See Rule 6 in What Pearl Island Survivors Should Have Learned.) Another score for Rupert.

Now it’s day 3 on Morgan. Treemail! Okay, not in a tree, but a treasure chest. Still, I don’t think they’ll be calling it “Treasuremail” or anything like that. Of course, the mail is about the first challenge, which is a test of brains and brawn.

Several tribe members discuss how Andrew has the presence of a leader and Ryan S. says nobody challenged him. Nicole suggests Andrew as leader – she knows she doesn’t want to be in charge. The rest of the tribe backs the idea. Right now, his biggest concern is that Osten is having difficulty keeping his shorts up. Ryan O. and Andrew tell him that if his shorts go down during the challenge, they will drop trou as well so they are all embarrassed together. This is called foreshadowing.

Time for the challenge! Probst says that one of things pirates had to do with their loot was protect it. Often that meant moving it from one island to other, including the transport of artillery. So that’s what they’re going to do – move a cannon through an obstacle course. One person carries the flag, one carries the torch, the other six help with the cannon itself. The first to make it to end with all eight players and the cannon win.

They are shown the immunity idol, and I’d say this is the best one yet. If JoAnna from last season thought their immunity idol was evil and demonic, she’d have loved this one, what with the skull and axe!

And they’re off! Drake takes early lead, rolling along. The first obstacle is having to take apart the cannon to get through a fence. The gun barrel has to come off the platform, and the wheels are off. Then they put it back together again. Drake is still ahead. Is Jon doing anything? He doesn’t seem to be.

As they move toward the area where they have to clear rocks and logs out of the way so they can roll the cannon through, Osten is losing his shorts. So he gets rid of them and Ryan O. does likewise. Probst is absolutely shocked. Now Andrew is naked too. Probst comments that these are not the people anybody wanted to see naked. Heh. And there’s not even peanut butter and chocolate around! Sandra says they’d better be sure not to lose their weenies. Heh again.

A number of blurs go shooting across the screen as they continue to push ahead. Drake still leads. They have to break through bamboo poles next. Yes, Drake is still leading.

The final leg has them pushing it along the beach, through the sand. Drake bogs down and can’t get it moving. Morgan moves around them to a better area. Drake eventually pushes out, but it seems like it’s way too late. Wait! Morgan bogs down just a few feet from the finish line! Drake pushes through and goes around them. No way! Drake comes back to win with Morgan stuck just feet away! And they yell that they didn’t even have to get naked to win! Heh yet again.

As they head back to camp, Drake is very happy they won. Shawn says they beat ‘em on willpower – Morgan gave up and Drake didn’t. Michelle says she turned around and saw something hanging out and was like, whoa, and quickly turned away. See, that’s the difference between men and women. When Jenna and Heidi stripped last season, the guys (well, some of ‘em) were trying to get a better view. When guys strip, the women are trying to look the other way. Although Sandra may have looked since she says she wasn’t impressed. She wishes they had gotten stuck on a vine. Okay, that was funny, but as a guy, I’ve just got to say – yeowch! Rupert says they were idiots bouncing around naked in all the mud and dirt and the like. But the coolest thing is that Drake doesn’t have to send anybody home tonight.

Sepaking of those who do… cut to Morgan. Andrew speechifies to the rest of the tribe that it sucked. They lost by about a foot. But they must learn from it and move on. They will kick butt next time. They will remember how cocky Drake was when they won. Yadda yadda yadda. Nice speech.

But after all of the unity is discussed, they start to break into smaller groups to figure out who’s going. Andrew says to Tijuana and the other younger women (ie, not Lill) that he saw Ryan S. just giving up during the challenges, and he words it in such a way that it’s kind of like trying to convince them that they saw the same thing. You can tell this guy is a lawyer. Lill at least does work, they say. But is she up for harder challenges or should they keep the limp noodle, Ryan S.? Decisions, decisions.

Meanwhile, Lill and the limp noodle are together, talking. She sounds resigned to her fate but he tells her not to give up ‘til her torch goes out. She tells us that Nicole is the only other person on side. Cut to discussion between Lill and Nicole. Nicole says Tijuana needs to go quick. She doesn’t want get rid of any of the guys until the shelter is built.

Lill seems to keep her mouth shut around Nicole, but she – like most of the rest of the audience – is scratching her head and wondering why on Earth they should get rid of Tijuana? Knowing that the votes may be pointing her way, Lill tells Andrew about it. Andrew says Lill is certainly telling the truth – she doesn’t have a dishonest bone in her body (which means she’s not long for this game). He turns around and tells Tijuana. Apparently the reason given is that Tijuana is too bossy. Oookay. We sure didn’t see that, but whatever.

So Tijuana now realizes that Nicole has been telling her stories and says that Nicole had apparently claimed it was Lill’s idea, but Andrew believes Lill, and so does Tijuana. So Tijuana brings it back to Nicole to ask about what was said. Nicole tries to deflect by saying Tijuana is making her feel uncomfortable. Oh please. Tijuana tells her she just doesn’t get it – she’s trying to ask her what went on! Nicole does a bit of dancing around the subject but never really addresses it. What’s worse for Nicole is that Darrah now doesn’t know if she can trust Nicole either. Privately, Nicole says she may have set herself up into a bad position by telling truths and half-truths and trying to get stuff to go her way.

As they head to Tribal Council, Andrew says the three who should be worried are skinny Ryan, Nicole, and Lill.

So off to Tribal Council they row. Upon arriving, they are each given torches and told to light them in the firepit. Of course, in case you didn’t know, fire is life on the island and in the game.

Probst talks about the challenge. He says it’s one thing to get naked for no apparent reason and win, but another to have three guys do it and lose. Osten says he has nothing to regret. They did it and they move on. Unless it was edited out, I’m not sure why they didn’t tell Probst the reason behind it – that it was quicker than having Osten’s shorts continually falling down.

Moving on, Probst asks Ryan O. how it’s been so far. He says the first three days have been good for him, they all get along, all of them are really cool and helpful. He couldn’t care less about the lack of food, but a lack of water is tough.

Andrew says the water situation is fine for him, but the lack of sleep is bad. He says he’s had no more than 45 minutes of sleep so far. Why? Well, when they built the hut with a floor it had uneven poles.

Probst goes on to Lill, who says she’s had 11 years being a scoutmaster. Has it served her well? Yes. And it’s given her patience.

Have any friendships formed yet? Nicole thinks she has some social friendships but it’s too early to trust. She’s already seen several sides of some people. Osten rolls his eyes.

Has anybody emerged as leader? Lill says Andrew is their leader, they elected him as a team. He’s done an excellent job and has listened to everybody.

Is anybody not pulling his or her weight? Andrew says Ryan S. was not pulling during the challenge. Ryan shrugs. So Ryan, are you pulling your weight? He says there has been some talk that he wasn’t giving 110%, but he thought he was giving 120% at the challenge. If they see him otherwise, that’s fine, he’ll move on. See, that’s the problem when you start getting into meaningless phrases like “giving 110%.” If you can give more than 100%, why stop at 110? Go to 120. Hell, go to 1000! Or more! But I digress. It’s time for the vote.

We see votes from Nicole and Tijuana. Nicole votes for Ryan S. because he’s the only person she knows other people are planning to vote for. At first I thought, “What a stupid reason.” But in retrospect, it’s not half-bad. If she knows she might be a target, it makes sense for her to target somebody else who might be getting votes. She might not particularly want him to leave, but it would be better than getting voted out herself.

As for Tijuana, she unsurprisingly votes against Nicole, saying she stabbed her in the back and fortunately Tijuana found out in time and could save herself.

The votes are read. Nicole. Ryan S. Nicole. Nicole. Hmmm. She has the look of the doomed on her face. And for good reason. Another for Nicole. And another. She’s gone!

Probst snuffs her torch and, cool, his torch snuffer has an axe blade on the opposite side. I guess that’s for contestants who give him trouble. He can really snuff ‘em with that thing.

After Nicole leaves, Probst says it’s clear that a few of them thought it could have been their torch being snuffed tonight. He reminds them that they’re not out of this game ‘til their torch is snuffed. Hey, he stole that from Ryan S.!

In Nicole’s last words, she says that she knew her biggest weakness would be not keeping her mouth shut. She’s not surprised as she knew either she’d be the first off or the winner. Even with a million bucks on the line, she still had to say what she thought. She admits she shot herself in the foot trying to make an early alliance to get rid of somebody who was annoying her. She finishes saying it probably was not the best way to play the game. Ya think?

Indeed, it is supremely ironic that, as fellow RNO writer Jason Borelli noted, the massage therapist was the one who rubbed people the wrong way.

Next time: Life is good at Drake, until Shawn causes Rupert to lose his cool. Over on Morgan, somebody wants to quit. What, already?!

In closing out this first episode of the seventh season, I have to say, it was a great premiere! With 90 minutes, I felt there was enough time to get to know the tribes and their members, and to really get into it. I’m psyched. And from the e-mail I’ve already gotten even before posting this article, I can tell that I’m not alone! See you next week!

David Bloomberg is the Editor of RealityNewsOnline and can be reached at RNO@pobox.com.

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