The Apprentice 2, MVPs and LVPs: Episode 12 Corner Office and Mailroom Assignmentsby Mel Ellis -- 12/1/2004
Okay, how many of you foresaw Andy getting the boot this week? I was surprised, although I figured he wouldn't make the final four. We'll get to that later, though.
First, to those who wrote about my tallies, you are right that I forgot to include Stacie J. and Bradford – but they didn't earn either a corner office or a mailroom stool. I appreciate your arguments in their relative defenses, but the beauty of having this column is I can give the promotions and demotions to anyone and for whatever snarky reason I have. Ooooh--the power! BWAHAHAHA!
And for those who wrote that Jennifer should have been demoted for taking credit for Ivana's ideas in the Levi's campaign, I point out two things: (a) she talked in the royal "we" the whole time, speaking of the ideas as a team creation, not her creation. While it may seem like splitting hairs, this was a little less horrendous than her claiming sole credit. And (b) from what I know of business, many a career has been made by claiming credit for the ideas of others. Sad, but true. If I ran the circus, all the whiners and the egoists and the bad dressers would be summarily fired, but I do not have that kind of power. The best I can do is award fake promotions and demotions, and I does the best I can.
This weekend forced the teams to take the Pepsi Challenge. I wonder if anyone has tallied how much product placement has occurred this season. Does it top Survivor? And did everyone catch Andy and Raj's Pepsi commercial at the end of the episode? If not, I urge you to check the episode out when it is repeated on CNBC. It was a hoot. Okay, enough ramblings. We'll get on with the review of contestants' performances for this week.
The teams had to be reshuffled again, as last week Wes and Maria were both shown the door and not a moment too soon, in my humble opinion. Ivana, Kevin, and Kelly all detest Jennifer, and seemingly for the same reasons – although Ivana adds a touch of envy to the general ranting out "flying under the radar" and "not contributing." Ivana seems obsessed with Jennifer's breasts, have you noticed? She's made express mention of them two weeks in a row. All I can say is, Meow! The group gathered for an "I Hate Jennifer" session which resulted, not surprisingly, in Jennifer's being thrown at the other team. In any event, the teams this week were Team Apex, with Ivana, Kevin, and Kelly, versus Team Mosaic, consisting of Andy, Sandy, and Jennifer. So who deserves promotion and demotion this week?
Apex: I agree with Mike DeGeorge's comments about all of you guys. In all this time we haven't seen Kevin really shine. Even though I love the guy (and don't ask me why; I can't explain it), he hasn't been really outstanding, except with the sweating thing the week before. However, glandular problems shouldn't merit mailroom duty, although he should see someone about that.
I hate Kelly’s know-it-all attitude, but it seems that, among this group, he does know it all. That's why Kelly is awarded the corner office this week. The bottle was a weird (and potentially prohibitively expensive) design, but it caught PepsiCo's imagination and fulfilled their directive that the packaging be innovative.
As for Ivana... she was on such a roll there for a few weeks. What happened? Bottles shaped like Oscars because women and gay men watch the Oscars? I started to try and parse out the inanities of that idea but, there are no words. Get thee to the mailroom, and quickly. Wearing that Pepsi baseball hat into the conference room at the end was blatant sucking up and I hated that, too. Take the hat off before heading downstairs.
Mosaic: After this week, I was tempted to write our esteemed Editor-in-Chief and request a different assignment, as this was too hard. How can determine who is the worst? There are too many choices! Let's take them in turn.
Jennifer is bitter, icy, depressing, and seems to ride the coattails of others. Perhaps she practices hypnotism instead of law as a full-time career? How else to account for the PMs regularly defending her and her work? Carolyn and I see through her, but The Donald and the PMs, including all the men and most of the women team leaders, seem to think she can s--t diamonds. I don't get it.
Andy’s geography idea was up there with Crustacean Nation. He must have gotten pantsed on a regular basis in elementary school.
The only real thinker on the task was Sandy. True, she was working with a dog of an idea, but despite Jennifer's and Andy's claims, it was she who came up with the cap-collecting game. TiVo does not lie. She took this lemon of an idea and tried to make some lemonade. Since I don't give A's for effort, I'll give her the corner office for the week. I was tempted to take it away when she and Jennifer started fighting a la Dynasty, but her comments were mostly valid. She should lie down the couch – she could use the rest.
As for the mailroom, I am tempted to award it to both Jennifer and Andy, but here's the rub: it was Andy's cockamamie idea that cost them the challenge, but Jennifer did nothing but claim credit where credit wasn't due. And I have said that claiming unearned credit does not automatically earn one a mailroom job. What's a girl to do? Jennifer just had her innate Jennifer-ness. Andy compounded the damage of his inane suggestion by offering money to the designers and withholding food in a perverse attempt to speed their work. Forget any debate over whether or not, as a debater, he could or should have interrupted the catfight in the boardroom. Those actions alone warrant a trip to the mailroom. Andy should eat a large breakfast – he will not be permitted a lunch break until all the mail is delivered. Think of it as an incentive.
So there it is. Kelly in the corner office and Ivana in the mailroom for Apex; Sandy in the corner office and Andy pulling mailroom duty for Mosaic. I do notice that Jennifer even slips by in my system. How does she do that??
Here's the updated tally (Stacie J. and Bradford are now added):
NEVER IN THE MAILROOM: Stacie J., Bradford, Jennifer, Kelly, Sandy, John, Rob (out week 1)
Honorary corner office: Ilsa (men's designer during dress challenge, week 6)
NEVER IN THE CORNER OFFICE: Elizabeth, Wes, Chris, Stacy R., Stacie J., Bradford, Pamela, Rob (out week 1)
Let me know what you think. Like my author info says below, I'm a prosecutor; I love a good debate. See you next week!
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Mel Ellis is a prosecutor and loves a good debate. Feel free to email her with your thoughts on who should be or should have been mail clerks or apprentice CEO's. You can reach Mel at email@example.com.
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