America’s Next Top Model 3, Episode 10: The Miss Kimono 2004 Pageant

Oh dear readers, I am so sorry that Phil Kural couldn’t be here tonight but since he’s too busy reading for his audition for the Ice Capades since he heard that Kristi Yamaguchi was considering a return to the pairs competition and he wanted to make sure that triple axel-triple flip-double toe loop combination was perfect. So he called me, Poodle McClure, socialite, bon vivant, and all around nouveaux riche good time gal to cover America’s Next Top Model for him while he was dusting off the bugle beads and his four-and-a-half-minute medley of Broadway showtunes from the musical Chicago.

At first, I was like, “You want me? You want Poodle McClure to watch this show and to watch it sober? Honey, if I had a few blue bippies and a couple of vodka martinis I could probably get into it. About as much as I could get into a marathon of Newlyweds episodes on MTV because I am soooooooooooo into the musical stylings of the Simpson family. For some reason though, I was intrigued. But I wasn’t about to do this one alone, so I called up my good friend Kumquat Jones to come over and watch it with me. Of course, Kumquat thought we were going to be planning the spring Fol de Rol and had no idea that we were really going to be sitting down with some chicken teriyaki, a few spring rolls, and a big bottle of sake and watch some skinny ass bitches prance around in their underwear. Needless to say, Kumquat was not happy, but it was enough to make her stop eating those spring rolls and start doing a few stomach crunches.

Anyway, I was thankful that I had my trusty recorder going, so what follows is a direct transcript of my night with Kumquat as we took in ANTM… and, trust me, we held nothing back…

During the “Previously on… ” portion

Poodle: What kind of name is Yaya?

Kumpquat: Is it short for Yadda Yadda Yadda?

Poodle: Did you get the new Seinfeld DVD collection?

Kumquat: Oh no, Poo, I was watching that Ken Jennings guy bite the dust on Jeopardy last night and they had a whole category called Yadda Yadda Yadda.

Poodle: No!

Kumquat: I kid you not. And let me tell you this… that Ken Jennings is a bony little thing. He needs to eat something… Just like those skinny ass bitches you got on TV right now? What the hell are we watching, Poo?

Poodle: (trying to lie and not doing well) Oh who cares what it is. It’s got Tyra Banks in it and if we want her to host our Hopscotching for the Homeless benefit next year, don’t you think we need to at least know a little more about her than how much skin she can show?

Kumquat: Good point. I think.

Commercial break ensues…

Kumquat: Do you believe that Molly Shannon and Snoop Dog know each other well enough to send each other text messages?

Poodle: As much as I believe Molly Shannon and Jeffery Tambor are bowling partners. What is that? The lost episode of Arrested Development? Pass me more some sake, honey.

Back to the show…

Poodle: Where are they?

Kumquat: Japan, I think. And what the hell are they sleeping in? Did she just say a “capsule hotel”? Is that like a kennel for humans?

Poodle: Who cares about that? Could they find a more stereotypical woman to be their guide? Koko Niwa’s her name? That sounds like something you and I once drank at Cissy Galore’s Bowling for Botox in Burundi Benefit last week. I mean, she has the accent down and everything.

Kumquat: Well I would hope so. She is Japanese and all. And who is that skinny chick in the bottom cube?

Poodle: Capsule, Kumquat… capsule.

Kumquat: Capsule, schmapsul. Is she naked down there?

Poodle: Who?

Kumquat: The girl in the bottom CAPSULE…

Poodle: Why would you sleep naked in one of those things?

Kumquat: And what was Tyra doing telling someone to go find some humble pie in Japan? I thought they didn’t make that stuff over there. I mean I think that’s what gave me food poisoning when we did that Scuba Diving for Scoliosis benefit in Saba.

Poodle: I don’t think humble pie is a real dish, Kumquat. Apparently, Yadda is the bitch of the show.

Kumquat: You think?

Poodle: I guess. I dunno. Something must of have made Tyra say that but look at that girl Eva’s necklace. It’s so big it immediately draws attention to her chest and it doesn’t even look like she has enough there to draw attention to…

Kumquat: Forget that for a moment. This Ann chick is talking about her relationship with Eva. Are there lesbians on this show? Is a reality show version of The L Word we’re watching?

Poodle: I think she means “relationship” in terms of a whole sisterhood thing. Sort of like what we have except we’re not in Japan and we don’t have cameras in our face…

Kumquat: … and we’re not wearing anything fabulous.

Poodle: Well neither are they.

Kumquat: They just woke up, Poodle. Give them time. You can’t tell me you look as fabulous as you do right now in that floral Diane von Furstenburg print dress you’re wearing right now.

Poodle: If anything, you should know that I do a full face of make-up before I go to bed in case I die in my sleep just so I will look at my best when they send one of those hunky firemen to break down my door.

Kumquat: Who cares if the fireman’s hunky, Poodle? You’ll be dead. Now let’s watch the show. Like what happened between these people?

Poodle: Okay this blonde chick, Ann, has long dark hair in that one clip and then in another and she wants Eva in her wedding.

Kumquat: Yeah, and Eva is doing dinner or something with Norelle…

Poodle: And now Eva wants Norelle to mess everything up so she will go home?

Kumquat: And Ann doesn’t like that?

Poodle: Or maybe she does?

Kumquat: It don’t look like it, girl.

Poodle: But look at all those people on the streets of Tokyo. It makes Times Square look empty. Oooh. Yadda ain’t the bitch. It’s Eva. No one likes her and there’s Ann, her friend, mind you, saying she’s fake, fake, fakety fake fake.

Kumquat: Oooh! Look at that house they are staying in! You won’t see that on Trading Spaces.

Poodle: I’m saying. If they let Hildy come in and shoot paintballs on these walls…

Kumquat: … they’d probably go through the walls since it looks like the walls are made of paper. Are the walls still made of paper in Japan?

Poodle: I’m sure in some buildings they use more traditional materials, Kumquat.

Kumquat: You know what I mean, Poo.

Poodle: Well shut up and pay attention, Kumquat, and maybe we will learn something.

Silence ensures as we watch the tea ceremony.

Poodle: They are going to learn to make tea?

Kumquat: I guess it’s not Lipton they’re drinking. Poor Norelle. She has no clue what’s going on. She even said as much. She can’t even get the door open right.

Poodle: Oh you can’t blame her for that. I mean the teacher lady was being a total pain in the ass about where her hand goes. Too high. Too low. Wrong angle. Hairy knuckles. The poor girl couldn’t get a break from her. It’s like when I was in high school and Mr. Scudder would take points off of our trig tests because our arcs weren’t properly curvy or something stupid thing like that.

More tea ceremony instruction watching in silence.

Poodle: The rudest thing you can do is to bite the sweets? You’re going to have to bite them sometime, right?

Kumquat: What is she eating with? Tweezers?

Poodle: I’m still trying to get these tea bowl positions right. In front of the line, behind the line, the right, to the front, up your butt. And then you lay on top of it? I am so not drinking in Japan next time I go there. How can these people remember all of this? No wonder they have to have classes.

Kumquat: I’m just wondering what Eva is wearing? It looks like some little bodice ripper thing you would see on those Harlequin romance novel covers my grandmother reads. And you’re right. She’s the bitch. I’m beginning to see what no one likes her.

Poodle: And the blonde chick is crying because she appreciates what’s going on. I must have missed something. Do you get what she’s talking about with the sunsets?

Kumquat: Maybe she’s a bohemian hippie freak. I dunno, Poo. We’ll rewind on the commercial break and watch again.

Poodle: Good idea. But I agree with Norelle. This so seems like a difficult place to live.

Kumquat: Or at least when it comes to tea. Maybe she wasn’t raised as a proper Southern lady like you were, Poo.

More silence ensues as we watch in abject horror as they now have to do a tea ceremony challenge.

Kumquat: They are so kidding me, right? A tea challenge? Break out the kettle and the bags – I don’t think I can handle watching that. COMMERCIAL! Be kind and rewind so we know what she’s crying about.

We now spend the next few minutes trying to understand what’s going on with no success.

Poodle: Call Jessica Fletcher. We got a mystery for her.

Kumquat: No, the real mystery is how Eva got that Cover Girl viewer award. I think UPN must have slipped something into the water to get that vote to happen.

Poodle: Are they pulling a Florida recount on me?

Kumquat: Ohio, Poodle. Ohio. Get current.

Poodle: I’m trying to figure out why Ann is arm in arm with Norelle right now. Maybe there is some lesbian love triangle going on that we don’t know about. I’ll ask Phil about it tomorrow.

Kumquat: Call me when you get an answer. I’d like to know that one, too.

More silence as we watch the rules for the tea competition being told while they all get suited up in kimonos.

Poodle: Did you just hear that? Oh we’re so replaying Norelle on the next commercial break. Osaki (or however you spell it) is “old socks and bikini” to her. That’s so precious. I love her. And you know what that means.

Kumquat: Uh huh. She doesn’t stand a chance in hell of winning.

Poodle: It always seems to happen that way, doesn’t it?

We watch the girls do the challenge...

Kumquat: Okay, three men and one woman are the guests at this dinner.

Poodle: The woman is the kimono designer, I think. The men are “tea ceremony experts.” The women teach the ceremony and the men are the experts. How sexist.

Kumquat: I would say the teacher woman was being picky when she got onto Eva doing the ceremony wrong, but hell, even the French judge would have taken off points for getting the first two steps backwards.

Poodle: Nice walk, though. I think. But what is up with designer woman’s hair? It’s like her head is one of those tri-cornered hats Washington wore to cross the Delaware.

Kumquat: Okay, teacher lady is bugging me. Ann is tall and she’s going to take off points because she’s tall and has to sit on the line in order to do the bow thingie. That’s just wrong.

Poodle: And stiff hands while drinking too. Teacher lady cracked me up with her impersonation of it though. Gotta give her marks for that one.

Kumquat: What about the look of terror on designer woman’s face. I mean it’s like she just took a poop in her pants after seeing that one.

Poodle: Okay, teacher lady just got on my bad side again. What is up with her dissing that bright blonde girl by saying that she looked awkward because she wasn’t used to wearing a kimono? Sorry, honey, but she left her practice kimono back in the States and the one you gave her from your bus and truck tour of Flower Drum Song still reeks of moth balls.

Kumquat: You’re so bad. I love it. And the tea bowl. Amanda didn’t move the tea bowl before “old socks and bikini.” The Albanian judge is going to fry her over that one.

Poodle: And Yadda didn’t wipe the rim of the tea bowl. I guess that’s like lipstick on a champagne glass.

Kumwuat: Or double dipping.

Poodle: Just going for those Seinfeld references with Yadda aren’t you?

Kumquat: Not going to let that die. But look, it’s time for Norelle’s train wreck. You just know she’s going to screw this one up.

Poodle: What was that about her bow?

Kumquat: It was open?

Poodle: Old?

Kumquat: It’s a rewind thing. I’m more upset we didn’t hear her get bad marks on opening the door like we did before. I guess she didn’t do something stupid like use her thumb or hold her wrist at an odd angle?

Poodle: But she used the wrong side of the paper! No one’s ever done that before, Kumquat! BEFORE!

Kumquat: Forget that. These tea ceremony people look like they are going to rip her head off – she’s messing up left and right. And the pick. She dropped the pick.

Poodle: What is she doing with the sweets? She’s just going to wrap them in the paper and stuff it in her pocket? Couldn’t she have gotten a doggie bag for that?

Kumquat: What are they doing now? The interview competition of the Miss Kimono Pageant? Are you enjoying your time in Japan? What are they going to say? I hate your country, your food, your customs, your tea ceremony, and most importantly your kennel club hotels.

Poodle: Capsule hotels.

Kumquat: Face it, Poo, they’re kennels. Look at Yadda show off by answering in Japanese. She’s getting cocky or full of herself or something. They asked you in English, honey, you don’t have to show off what you learned in that Berlitz tape you listened to on the plane over.

Poodle: Oh. Look at Norelle. I feel for her. She has no clue what the man just said. She probably just wants to say, “Um, yeah. Sure. Where’s the Taco Bell?” She just blew it.

We pause as we watch Yadda win the competition.

Kumquat: I think she won because she answered in Japanese.

Poodle: You are such a conspiracy freak.

Kumquat: Freaky. Eva just said that at the same time you did.

Poodle: Oh God. Am I on the same wavelength as Eva? That would be scary?

Kumquat: Sadly I think it’s probably more true than you want to admit.

Poodle: That’s even scarier.

I admit I missed what happened here since I was off to the bathroom to evacuate half the bottle of sake I consumed. When I returned, Amanda was saying something about “being away from the noise of the other girls.” Of course, there was no noise with the girls.

Kumquat: They are appreciating bowls, Poodle. They are appreciating bowls while they eat.

Poodle: When Yadda says, “fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh fish,” does that mean it’s raw?

Kumquat: I dunno. Probably.

Pause again as we watch the girls get ready for their night out on the town. We give each other confused looks when we see Amanda do something odd with those gigantic stiletto heels and ultimately falls down. I note to ask Phil about this one, too.

Poodle: It’s Eva against the world. Four of them on one side and Eva all alone.

Kumquat: And how convenient that Tyra just happens to know where they are and shows up.

Poodle: Ewww! She just took off her shoes! Would you take off your shoes at someone’s house?

Kumquat: If my feet were clean, yeah. But look at Tyra just brag about having been to every continent but Antarctica. Girl, we know you been everywhere – you don’t need to rub it in. And what’s with her saying the first thing she learns to say in every new language is how hungry she is? We all know she’s going to throw it up five minutes later.

Poodle: Going for the model/eating disorder stereotype, huh?

Kumquat: You know you were thinking it, too, Poo.

Poodle: I might have, but at least I was smart enough not to say it. Out loud at least.

Pause again as we watch the mood turn during the talk about women in the industry and sisterhood.

Poodle: Oh this is going to get good when Tyra leaves.

Kumquat: Oh yeah, they aren’t going to go after Eva until Tyra has left the building. And notice how quickly Tyra leaves so the girls can bitch at each other.

Poodle: And boom. Tyra goes and there’s Ann going after Eva and her bashing of Norelle.

Kumquat: And there goes Yadda tag teaming her away while Norelle and Amanda just sit there and do nothing but just watch and listen and listen and watch.

Commercial break ensues as we take turns re-enacting Amanda’s heel walk/fall before their night on the town. Hilarity is had by all. Not to mention a few bruises to be found the following morning.

Kumquat: The fight’s back on, girl. Get your ass back on this couch.

Silence ensues again while the girls bitch about Eva and her comments about Norelle. Not to mention everything that they have said about Norelle and her midsection size as well. This is so good we can’t even speak. Until Yadda speaks…

Poodle: Eva makes Yadda wants to study psychology more?

Kumquat: I don’t get it either. More sake?

Poodle: Not yet. Tyra mail’s here. Something about walking in her footsteps. Who is this man with the over blonde hair.

Kumquat: Are you sure that’s blonde? It looks like it’s more green than anything else. But he is wearing sequins. That’s something.

Poodle: And he has some word on the butt of his baggy pants. Those should be tighter to show it off.

Kumquat: Unless he has nothing to show off.

Poodle: Point taken.

This is the part where I had to turn the tape over but this is where Tyra learns of last night’s psychology revelation to Yadda and there’s some comment about how the fact that she’s in the final five should say something to Norelle and that in the industry everyone talks about everyone.

Kumquat: Green Hair Guy goes around telling people what Tyra ate for dinner last night and who she’s sleeping with.

Poodle: You just don’t like him, do you?

Kumquat: It’s the hair. I mean it looks okay on him but it’s nothing that makes me want to run out and have it done to my coiffure.

Poodle: Coiffure? You’re from Tuscaloosa, Kumquat, you can say hairdo.

Kumquat: Oh look. Eva and Norelle are making up. Oh. The lesbian love relationship is back on.

Poodle: If it’s a lesbian love thing. Remember we don’t know until I talk to Phil. It could even be straight girl love. Bi girl love. Love. Something. I dunno.

Kumquat: What the hell did they do to Tyra? She looks like Mr. Miyagi, the bride of Frankenstein, and an Eighties glitter band exploded all over one unfortunate person. I’m genuinely frightened.

Poodle: You’re going to do that outfit for Halloween, aren’t you?

Kumquat: It could be done you know.

Poodle: Oh I know. And look, she just did the Mr. Miyagi pose!

Kumquat: I told you! And look at her whip that kimono around. What is she – a model or a matador?

Poodle: Okay why do they have phones for these poses?

Kumquat: Product placement, baby. Prod. Uct. Place. Ment.

Poodle: That’s sad.

Kumquat: That’s modeling.

Poodle: That’s true. And is Norelle in Japan or on a Mardi Gras parade float?

Kumquat: Forget her. Green hair boy is getting too annoying. I mean if he shut his mouth more than Ann did they might be able to concentrate on doing these poses.

Poodle: Did you just hear him? Don’t do that in a linebacker way? What does he know about linebackers?

Kumquat: Do you want me to go there?

Poodle: You just did without saying it didn’t you?

Kumquat: You know it.

Poodle: That takes skill.

Kumquat: You know it.

Commercial time. We were going to start cleaning up the remnants of dinner but we were stopped by Green Hair Guy in a Cover Girl commercial.

Poodle: Okay, I know that Phil told me that they gave these girls some acting classes in one episode so what I want to know is…

Kumquat: Did they run out of money for Green Hair Guy to get some too?

Poodle: I mean that was the most stilted reading I have ever seen. And that other chick wasn’t that great either. I mean if you’re going to do a commercial for your Prod. Uct. Place. Ment. Then at least have people in their who know how to talk on camera.

Kumquat: Testify, my sister.

Clean up resumes until the show comes back on.

Kumwuat: Poodle! It’s back on! Someone’s getting the boot!

Poodle: Coming!

Kumquat: Janice Dickinson. Two words, Poo: Tupperware. Dish.

Poodle: She’s been around a while. She looks like she’s had work done. Ooh. Hello, Nigel. Now that’s one specimen of the male species I wouldn’t mind coming home to after work.

Kumquat: Is it just me or does Nolé look like a plucked weasel?

Poodle: Since when have you seen a plucked weasel? Ooh! Tri-corner hat lady tea judge woman is back?

Kumquat: Who?

Poodle: Kimono woman! The one with the odd hair at the tea ceremony.

Kumquat: You are so weird.

Poodle: I know you mean that with love.

Kumquat: As always.

Pause again as we learn that the ladies will walk for the judges in a kimono designed by the Tri-Cornered Hat Hair Lady in a manner that is respectful to the country they are in…

Poodle: Oooh. Whip that fan out, Amanda.

Kumquat: I could never walk like that. I mean, I walk pretty fast. I could never shuffle my feet. And what’s with the Tupperware lady saying she was as delicate as a bonsai butterfly?

Poodle: They probably gave her that line to say on a card like they did on Hollywood Squares. Need a joke? Here we’ll give it to you. It might not fit the question but have fun.

Kumquat: They like her pose.

Poodle: Sorry, I’m distracted by that little patch of chest hair coming out of the top of Nigel’s shirt.

Ann enters now in her kimono…

Kumquat: Is she walking like a Hunts Point hooker?

Poodle: Since when were you a hooker?

Kumquat: No, you’re supposed to ask why I was working the streets of Hunts Point.

Poodle: Look at her sashay. Tri-Corner does not like it. She’s holding that phone like it’s a… well… a… um…

Kumquat: Rubber tube shaped object whose real name can’t be used when you type this up later tonight.

Poodle: Bingo. Yadda Yadda Yadda time.

Kumquat: I don’t like that pose. It’s boring.

Poodle: Sorry. I’m back to that chest hair thing with Nigel again.

Kumquat: Poor Norelle. She looks constipated, but Tri-Corner likes how she looks.

Poodle: Ya know, Kumquat, Janice shouldn’t complain about Ann’s hands when hers were pretty crappy in comparing Norelle’s walk to her pose. Watch the hands, you pathetic sack of silicone.

Kumquat: No more sake for you after that outburst.

Poodle: Eva looks bored in her walk.

Kumquat: And they are so calling her on it. Nice picture though.

Poodle: Oh yeah. I totally agree. Sorry, Nigel’s talking, honey, and I want to imagine how much more chest hair I’m missing.

Kumquat: Janice thinks Ann looks like a man? Has she looked in a mirror lately. I know a few drag queens that look like her. Remember that waitress at Lips?

Poodle: Cookie?

Kumquat: You know it. Perfect look-a-like for Ute Lemper. Tri-Corner wants Norelle in Japan.

Poodle: Well if this was Japan’s Next Top Model.

Kumquat: You just wanted to mimic Nigel.

Poodle: If I get to see more chest hair then I’ll do what I have to do. Okay is this hour over yet?

Kumquat: Almost, Poo. Almost.

Amanda is called up first.

Poodle: Did she just shuffle up in that kimono?

Kumquat: She’s playing it to the hilt in that thing.

Yadda is called next…

Poodle: She didn’t shuffle up there.

Kumquat: She wants out of that damn thing is why…

Eva is next.

Poodle: Tyra told her. Leave it at the door honey.

Kumquat: We’ll see?

Poodle: Why? You’re going to watch next week.

Kumquat: I just might. I’m intrigued.

Poodle: I’ll bring the blue bippies. It’ll be a party.

Down to the final two, Norelle and Ann.

Kumquat: Oh God, Tyra just shut up. Can you drag it out for another hour before you tell us who’s going home?

Ann gets her photo, so Norelle is sent packing.

Kumquat: Oh. One third of the lesbian love triangle is gone. I’m sad. And they just hugged again. And then she hugged Eva. They are so confusing me.

Poodle: Ooh. Pretty blue eyes in that picture. And then she just fades away in. I’m sad.

Kumquat: Me too.

More clean-up commences during the commercials.

Poodle: How many times are they going to show that commercial with Snoop Dog inquiring about when to add fabric softener to Molly Shannon?

Kumquat: He’s a man. He won’t read the directions on the back of the bottle.

Next week on ANTM…

Poodle: Why is Ann looking like a reject from Ringling Brothers next week?

Kumquat: Maybe they think that’s hot in Japan?

Poodle: Oh dear Lord… you know I have to watch now.

Kumquat: I’ll bring more sake next week…

Poodle McClure is the evil alter ego of C. Brian Devinney, the infamous recapper of far too many seasons of The Bachelor(ette) and two painful seasons of Average Joe. Kumquat Jones is one of his friends who has opted to go anonymous lest he admit that he watches as much reality TV as Brian. You can send your rants, raves, questions, comments, snide remarks, or recipes for his leftover Thanksgiving turkey to TheRealityFactor@aol.com. Also, if you know Kathy Griffin or Nigel Barker and can arrange an introduction, Brian would love you more than his luggage. No really. He means it.

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