The Apprentice: Los Angeles, Episode 2 MVP and LVP – Sharks in the Water

Well, this reality television goddess may not have been right about the Victoria’s Secret commercials, but I think it’s becoming quite clear why the show moved to Los Angeles. A carwash is just begging for the women to slap on some wet T-shirts and have a sloppy suds fight. Too bad for the producers the Kinetic women realized their audience would be gay!

And if the bikini contest wasn’t enough, there we see the group hanging out in the Playboy Mansion. While I normally would enjoy the expensive show of cleavage, the cheap bleach jobs and picturing “Hef” with any of them was enough to send cold shivers down my back. The man probably imports enough Viagra to fill a third-world nation. Here’s today’s business lesson, courtesy of Mr. Trump: being rich is awesome. Be sure to write that down so you don’t forget it, kiddies.

I’m beginning to feel more sympathy for the tent-dwellers. I’ve never spent a week in a tent, and I do imagine it would be annoying. Especially the not having air conditioning or a fan part — I’m a nervous wreck when it comes to temperature. I wonder if they have an outhouse or if they have to go dig in the sand? They should be grateful Mark Burnett didn’t make them build their shelters out of palm leaves.

We found out the real team names this week. Kinetic makes sense, but Arrow? Come on, guys and gals, you applied for this show, so you should know you’re expected to pick team names. Those are the best you came up with? I get the feeling these names are a symbol of the “don’t-stick-your-head-above-the-next-stalk-of-grass” kind of thinking that’s going on this season. It makes me want to take a lawnmower to all of them, even if things get a little messy with the decapitations and all.

My names are better than the so-called “real names.” I won’t say anything if you don’t, capisce?

Team Hottie

Yawn. Even if I didn’t watch the show after spending five hours in flight going home from a debate tournament (in which we got a trophy that’s taller than the average ten-year-old, thank you very much), you would have put me to sleep. The only entertaining moment from all of you was when you pressed your heads into the bush.

Heidi was right. The swimsuits were not just passé, they were pâté, designed for people who wouldn’t be caught dead in a color that couldn’t be comfortably smeared on a cracker. I’m surprised the buyers bought anything, as they could probably find something equally attractive at a cheaper price. Take my words with a grain of salt, of course, because on Project Runway, I fell in love with Santino.

I wish we knew more about who designed what and whether the consultants ever gagged themselves to death on large, plastic spoons, but for the dull designs, the entire team gets a spanking. Bad dog, no biscuit.

Surya gets a few points for just being adorable in the runway walk. He obviously isn’t a model, and he didn’t pretend to be. Kristine did all right, too, I guess, since she didn’t fall off the runway, but I was too busy wondering who would say “that’s so me!” to a turquoise suit with brown stripes. The people who would buy that are the people who just grab the first suit off the rack — not the retailer’s target audience.

I may not like Marisa’s taste in swimsuits, but I do admire the fact that she does think about politics. The other team is self-imploding, but Heidi a) gets the credit, and b) gets face time with Mr. Trump. If their opponents keep throwing themselves off the proverbial cliff, Heidi is going to have a cakewalk to Trump’s corner office. If Marisa’s ambition outweighs her hatred of Tent City, she may try to throw a challenge. The trick is, will she be able to without making it obvious enough to get her fired? If she does, I’ll probably let her sit next to my Reality Television Throne, just for her pure cheek.

Heidi lost some tread this week by suggesting they focus on one-piece swimsuits. While I might like the fact that you can dive into a pool with a one-piece and not leave bits behind, it’s the bikinis that pay the bills. She must have changed her mind as we only saw a single one-piece on the runway — an ugly one at that.

As it is, Heidi made a valiant attempt to hold onto her position by protecting Michelle. From her eavesdropping, she knew that “the closer” is more than a cable show. Michelle is a source of conflict in the group. By fighting with friction, she undermined group morale and made it difficult for people to work as a team. Just like keeping Frank, keeping Michelle was a good idea. In contrast, Carey was too competent, too likeable, and too much of a threat.

The best moment for this team was the row of them pressing their ears against the hedge fence. Obviously, Tim hasn’t learned his lesson from last week. If he turns out to be a mole for “Team Hottie,” I’ll award him an MVP retroactively. As it is, he’s still acting like an idiot.

Team Dreamer

This team could have been as easily be called “team perfectionist” for Carey’s NBC nickname (though why Carey was named that when we didn’t get to see that particular trait in him, I don’t know). Even better, I could call them “team token black dude.”

Despite their loss, I think the team did not, indeed, jump off a ledge at Trump Tower. Or maybe they did, but with a bungee cord. On the women’s-wear side, I saw suits that I could easily see me or my friends wearing. The fact that the margin was less than a thousand dollars between the two teams with such small men’s-suit sales just proves that their women’s suits were superbly designed, comparatively. For a first-time designer, whoever did it, I’m impressed.

Of course, the line of menswear was a horrible, unbearable tragedy to eye and mind alike. Wouldn’t those… chafe? I think if someone had torn a certain seam before the runway show, one of those men’s suits would have been barely passable, netting them the win.

For this, I blame Nicole. She just doesn’t seem like the leader type. “Motivating” people should be the job of the reward and Tent City. A PM has to be more than a cheerleader. Nicole did do a wonderful job of modeling. I think showing Trump a little more than your mental assets is a sure way to be good in his book. Mind you, while I didn’t view Carey as more forceful than a man with a plan should be, I think he did make it more difficult to stop the Carey Steamroller when he kept bringing up the gay market when people criticized him. I think he made it difficult to insult the taste of the suit without insulting the taste of gay men, which isn’t PC.

Aaron was certainly struggling with it, and he did come off a little badly on camera, in my opinion. I was glad Derek was on the other team to laugh at the suit because none of my gay friends watch The Apprentice, making it difficult to solicit proper opinions as to whether or not it would sell well in the gay community. I’m guessing for the most part, no, but then again, I don’t know any who spend half the day inside Gold’s Gym.

Trump is completely wrong about a pink men’s swimsuit, though. I think that a nice, subtle pattern or solid in something slinky as waterproofed silk, trunk-cut and edged with a black lining — now that would truly be FAB-ULOUS! I’d eat that suit right off Carey with a spoon.

Michelle did look less than loyal to the team with her unwillingness to set a price. She also may be a bit too honest for the show. She was right about the swimsuit, right about who should set the pricing, and right to stand up for herself with such vigor in the Boardroom, but she probably has mistaken “competent worker” for someone Trump actually wants to hire. If she wants to dazzle her teammates back into not hating her, she needs to go ovaries on the felt and demand to be PM.

So… who gets the MVP and LVP?

The clouds clear, and a single ray of light shines down on… who knows? All I see is a cloud with a gray face. I would give it to the designer of Team Dreamer’s female swimsuits, but since I don’t know who it is, my fingers reach through the smudges of mist, leaving strands of moisture that fade away in the blink of a glassy eye. $19,000 of female swimwear is nothing to cough at.

I thought at first Carey designed them, too, but if he did, I’m sure he would have mentioned it in the Boardroom ‘cause that’d be a pretty hefty defense. I suppose Heidi will have to remain beside me, for her skillful maneuvering from that padded chair, but mostly for managing not to choke at the Playboy party. For someone nicknamed “the hottie,” she sure looked green around the gills while being introduced to Hugh Hefner.

If it were legal, this week, I’d give a smack of my eternal rod to the show’s editor, who didn’t let me see any of the response to Trump’s suggestion that being a homosexual might be a disadvantage in gaining the Apprenticeship. Or maybe he meant Carey’s suit? It wasn’t quite clear. That and the not letting us see who actually did anything except for Carey. Also, for setting up artificial stories — if Frank is so opinionated and obnoxious, why didn’t he show up at all in this week’s episode? Why did everyone seem so happy he was back? And WHY in Karl Marx’s blessed name did they think we needed to see more shots of Trump’s trout-bellied feet?

But if I dared let myself crack the head of the editor, sooner or later I’d be breaking the skulls of everyone in charge of lighting and production values, and then we wouldn’t have much of a show, would we? I suppose I’ll have to dismiss the editor with a warning.

I’d whack Trump, too, for his attitude toward anybody who isn’t a straight male, but I’m afraid my scepter would rebound against Trump’s hair and knock me in the face. Does Trump really think he could pull off Carey’s suit? Carey couldn’t even pull off Carey’s suit. The paleness of Trump’s feet suggests that the “great body” he was referring to might belong to a vampire. I’m not in favor of tanning beds or smearing sticky orange lotion all over your body, but when you’re in L.A., your flesh shouldn’t look like the skin off a can of condensed cream of mushroom soup.

So instead, I reach my wand out to whack… Nicole. Carey at least stepped up and did something, even if it was something horrible. The only thing you seemed to do was avoid making anybody mad. There’s a place for cheerleaders on The Apprentice, and that place is in the taxicab. As a leader, it’s your responsibility to be unpopular sometimes, and even a blind person could see that Carey’s swimsuit was a rather unnecessarily painful mistake. Were you trying to get rid of a rival or just plain blind? Maybe Trump was right and you just “like to lose”? The Apprentice should not be about fashion, it should be about leadership. For this reason, I would have kept Carey despite his devastating fashion faux pas. Now let us whack Nicole with stinky, wet herrings.

Things I’d like to see this season on The Apprentice:

• Grand Theft Auto: Tent CityÔ
• One of the Playboy bunnies’ breasts exploding. Or, as my debate coach would say, “her bosoms.”
• The footage of Trump sneaking into Tent City by night to steal Carey’s swimsuit.
• Rhona the Secretary. I miss her almost as much as I miss Carolyn.

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out these other recent Apprentice articles:

Jennifer McBride is a senior in journalism at the University of Oregon. Her lifetime ambitions involve bigamy and a plethora of cats. Job offers and Viagra ads can be sent to her at vegetathalas@yahoo.com, though you should use the subject line “Not Spam” if you expect her to find them.

Be sure to sign up for our e-mail update so you can stay informed about new articles on the site! And take a look at the rest of the site. You can find all of our recent articles on this show at our The Apprentice page and take a look at our sections on Survivor: Exile Island and American Idol 5. You can even buy reality show stuff at our Reality TV Store!

For more news about The Apprentice, be sure to check out SirLinksALot: The Apprentice!