The Apprentice: Los Angeles, Episode 11 MVP and LVP – Something to Die-Cut For

The Reality Television Goddess is back after her long absence. Did you miss me? Do you want to shower me with love and kisses? You should, because the Reality Television Goddess returns with a college degree and an aching back. The college degree is from five years’ work at the University of Oregon (of recent elite eight glory) and the aching back is from the time I spent moving out of my apartment. I know you’ve missed me, and I’ve missed you, so let’s put the trivialities of the real world aside for a moment and instead mock the trivialities of Mr. T. Er, the white Mr. T.

Team Hottie

Heidi returns with yet another triumph as project manager. That’s probably a relief to her team, which has been on the wrong side of the table for way too long. Upon hearing the challenge, you might think that this one would be a given for Arrow, considering their creativity outweighs their common sense, and creativity would have been needed in spades to make the challenge theirs. However. Heidi and the others came up with a great idea, while James and the others failed to utilize their resources.

After taking a few college courses in design (speaking of which, did I tell you I was a college graduate yet?), I know how expensive die-cutting is. Heidi’s insert looked nice, while Arrow’s looked… well, cheap. They might not be design majors, but Arrow should know budgeting, and they should have been willing to fork out for the Cadillac of brochures. Instead, they were left with a heap of junk that deserved to ornament a red neck’s front yard.

I wonder if you can use your budget to hire an art director? Now, that would be a good use of budget.

Anyway, Heidi didn’t glitter untarnished. She did delegate an awful lot of work to Kristine while canoodling with the photographer. This isn’t America’s Next Top Model, Heidi. They also really should have gone with the thought that they needed to show some diversity. You’d think none of the girls would be averse to hiring male models. It was a good game play move, as Trump would probably have fired Kristine over Heidi, but it was risky. Kristine stepped up to bat to fill in the gaps, like the invisible woman.

Nicole, meanwhile, was walking melodrama. She should listen to her mother and focus on the task at hand. So far, her behavior has tilted toward the unprofessional. From roller-skating to showmancing, Nicole just needs to go stomp on a few more jellyfish. Or listen to her mother. I wonder if she’ll be happier now that Tim is fired.

Team Webhead

By the way, would James’ NBC nickname be webhead if he weren’t Asian? Just wondering. We didn’t see much of James doing anything productive. Most of the episode, he spent being bullied by Tim. However, the mouthwash mayor did give James good reviews, so he must have done something. James probably should have been directing art this week, because I don’t picture Frank as a reborn Picasso. Indeed, their efforts this week could be considered… Jackson Pollockesque.

Speaking of Frank, he didn’t seem to have control of the job he was given. I wouldn’t think Frankie the Mouth would be at a loss to give direction, but apparently… maybe he’s trying to soften his personality. Oh, what’s this? He gave the silent treatment to Stefani when she tried to help him? Well, maybe not.

Stefani continued to shine this week, even if not in her liaison with Frank. She gave an excellent presentation, as usual, saving it from being a complete clown-suit disaster by bringing Tim’s pajamas. If she’s not project manager next week, she can kiss the Apprenticeship goodbye, however. Maybe she still can. She should have stood up and put on the PM hat a long time ago.

And Tim… finding out he was insulted in a Boardroom he didn’t even attend must be tough. However, he brought in on himself. If he’s ever seen The Apprentice before, he knew Trump’s habit of bringing matters of the heart up in every discussion. That’s the reason you don’t engage in those kinds of shenanigans… especially with someone who doesn’t understand that The Apprentice is a game and that being on different teams isn’t the end of the world. If Sean and Tammy had displayed even a quarter of the dumb impulses exhibited by Nicole and Tim, Sean wouldn’t be The Apprentice.

Trying to take charge was a good idea, but the things Tim came up with were not. Maybe if he were more willing to listen than to push, he would have realized that no one wants to read an advertisement with lots of little, boring text. This, not disloyalty, was the biggest reason for their loss this week, though without the disloyalty and conflicted soul act, the others might not have pointed their fingers so unanimously at the flailing idea man who scored so many points earlier in the game.

So, who gets this week’s MVP and LVP? The light returns to her like a warm lover, hungry for the face it has been denied for so long. Heidi fought for screen time and for radiance, but this week, she clawed her way back into my… and Trump’s… good graces. Really, the light says, flashing scintillatingly, was there any other choice? Heidi beams, taking my arm as I lift her delicate frame into place in the throne at my right hand. Her gracious nod of thanks lights the heart of all those who surround her.

But scrabbling in the corner like a mouse is… Nicole! She might not have lost the task this week, but her days are numbered. Her unprofessional conduct over the past few weeks earns her a retroactive LVP, as well as this week’s not-so-distinguished award. Even if Nicole wins the game, which may be possible, given Trump’s uncritical fondness for pretty faces, she’s bound to lose at life if she throws tantrums about being moved to the other side of the fence from her lover. If she knew she was prone to emotional outbursts over a two-week relationship, she should have been smart enough to step aside when Tim made his advances. After the past two episodes, it’ll be a wonder if Nicole ever gets a job with any employer who happens to be a fan of The Apprentice. I whack Nicole over the face once for her stupidity, and then I do it again for making all women look like whiny bitches if their menfolk don’t do everything they want right away.

Now, let us pelt her with rotting herring.

Things I’d Like to See This Season on the Apprentice:

• Frankie becoming a tour guide at the Metropolitan
• Nicole getting swarmed by a many-legged army of slimy jellyfish
• Trump giving Heidi the Apprenticeship next Sunday because… who else is there?

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out these other recent Apprentice articles:

Jennifer McBride was a senior in journalism at the University of Oregon. Did she mention she’s a graduate now? Her lifetime ambitions involve bigamy and a plethora of cats. Job offers and Viagra ads can be sent to her at vegetathalas@yahoo.com, though you should use the subject line “Not Spam” if you expect her to find them.

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