America’s Next Top Model 9, Episode 7: Wall Slide Special

Two weeks ago, we saw the girls learn how to be spokesmodels from Tyson Beckford. Ebony asked to be sent home, even though it was Ambreal who didn’t get her picture, so Tyra sent her home, giving Ambreal a second chance. Eight girls are left, so let’s see if Ambreal can turn it around!

The girls are on their way home from elimination, and of course they are talking about Ebony quitting. Bianca says that she saw it coming, and Saleisha is glad that she did it since Ambreal got to stay, and she really wants to be there. Ambreal adds that the judges lost their faith in her, so now she really has to show them what she’s made of.

At the house, Sarah says that she is baffled over the judges and their obsession with her size. She just feels wrong. Chantal adds that she knows Sarah is struggling.

Outside, some girls are talking in the hot tub. Chantal tells the girls there that she’ll be in the top five with them. Bianca begins to bitch about Heather and that she can’t do any wrong. Heather tells the camera that she’s an artist and it helps her. She knows that she’s making art and not just posing. Jenah tries to come to Heather’s defense, but Bianca says that she won’t treat Heather differently over her disability.

Tyra mail arrives and tells the girls: “This is why I’m hot, and this is why you’re not.” Nobody knows what it means, so we just see them head out the next day. They arrive at a studio and find leotards and heels. Shortly after being dressed, Tyra greets them and tells them that they will learn about being sexy for a music video. Whatever happened to her music video for “Shake Your Body” that she taped with the girls from Season 2? Exactly. Anyway, she says she has video experience, but luckily and thankfully, doesn’t mention her own. Time for eye penetration and anger. I can already tell I’m going to love this.

Time to line up and try. Why am I already laughing? They do a little walk and Saleisha says she loves walking with Tyra – it’s an honor. Are you kidding me? Now it’s time for the girls to be sweet and coy. They begin doing this demonic laugh in front of the mirror, while trying to be innocent. It’s actually freaking me out. This is the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen. Ambreal comments that she’s appreciative and knows she has to impress Tyra. Really? If I were her right now, I’d be wishing I went home last week!

Now it’s time to teach the girls a “wall slide.” You heard me correctly. Tyra slides down the wall, being real sexy. Geez, this is me at the bar every weekend! Heather looks like she’s getting arrested and possessed, according to Tyra, and Lisa is confident, but her legs can’t get her up. This is so ironic.

Now, in what could be the funniest moment of the season, Tyra gives the girls kneepads and my mind begins to wonder how far each girl will go to get to the top. Turns out the kneepads are for crawling. Sexy crawl, of course. Chantal says it wasn’t very challenging. Tyra feels Chantal is running on a half of a tank of gas, and she also feels Bianca is holding back. Heather does her crawl and Bianca says it’s a mess. Not to Tyra, though! Tyra thinks that she’s doing great and is so awkward that it’s right. She’s dark and mysterious. I really like Heather! [Assistant Editor’s note: Me, too, but when she was crawling, all I could think of was Samara from The Ring.] So Tyra tells the girls to be beautiful and use their loveliness. What does that mean? It’s time for a group hug, and then she sends them off. This segment was amazing.

At the house, Lisa says she gained a pound and can’t believe it. Sarah says it’s awkward sometimes being around all thin girls, and she doesn’t go to bed feeling amazing. Bianca makes a comment that she’s the heaviest girl in the house, and Sarah can only roll her eyes. I don’t know, Bianca’s head is pretty big! Sarah doesn’t care, though, and says they can do what they want with her.

Okay, so I thought that the last segment was the funniest of the season, but this incident here is the best in ANTM history! Heather walks out to the living room and sees the Tyra mail. Instead of grabbing it, she stares at it, shoulders hunched, and yells, “Guys. Guys? Tyra mail.” She’s not excited about it at all, and the other girls come running. I don’t even know what to say!

They walk into a theater the next day and Jessy Terrero greets them. He’s apparently some big-shot music video director. He says that he has made videos for many huge artists, and then tells the models that they will be in his next video with an international artist. Some will even get a feature. He sends them to hair and makeup. They, of course, wonder who the artist is, but don’t wait long before Enrique Iglesias comes in. He tells them he can only pick one girl to be a feature. What the heck is going on? I’m sorry, but this episode is a clustermess.

The girls get ready in hair and makeup. Sarah is struggling with the net pants she is given, while Chantal is boasting that one girl will be the main girl, and that should be her because she’s perfect for the part. We also find out that the song they are doing the video for is titled “Tired of Being Sorry.” So the girls are gathered up and told the director is looking for a very gothic-looking girl, so they chose Lisa! She fits the scene the best. Another girl will get a mini-feature, and that will be Heather. Bianca is instantly annoyed, and I’m loving it.

Now it’s time to tape the video. We see Jenah first, as she stands at the entrance of an underground club. She says she is confident as we move to Heather. Now, Heather feels that she needs to be fiercer, but I think she looks amazing! Chantal is told to be a sexy dancer, and all she does is basically stand there and try to look cute for the camera. She’s really beginning to annoy me. Almost as much as Bianca.

Ambreal is featured next and she does the wall slide. I’m totes (totally) in heaven. Lisa gets her feature and she is told to be sexy at a club. Umm, isn’t that what she does every night she works anyway? What a stretch! The only difference is that she’s not getting paid this time.

Bianca does her little thing while being wrapped in chains, and I begin to pray that they lose the key. Saleisha and Sarah are teamed up and basically just do that little drill where they have to look “video sexy” in the mirror. It’s so pointless. Sarah tells the camera that she was almost naked and felt a bit uncomfortable.

Finally, it’s time to tape the big dance scene at the end. Heather says she is pushing herself, but hasn’t eaten all day. Sarah comments that it’s hot in the room and she sees Heather ball up in a corner. Everyone realizes that she’s exhausted and runs to get her water. As Heather is carried off the set, Enrique stands there and looks as if he couldn’t care less. What a gentleman! Heather continues to fall, and sits on a chair gasping for air until she passes out for a hot second. She gets some oxygen, though, and feels a lot better. Saleisha comments that Heather is not a partier, and not very high energy, so this was a lot for her. But Saleisha knows this because she’s 19 years old and goes out every night boozing and gambling.

The medic eventually gets Heather back together and tells her not to push too much. She gets some food and the other girls help her out. Not Bianca, though. She tells the camera that this competition is too much for Heather, and she would never do well if she won because of the stress. That Bianca is so helpful.

When the girls return to the house at 3:00 a.m., Tyra mail is waiting for them. It says that someone is going home in the morning, so in true ANTM fashion, it’s morning already! The girls get ready and Chantal says she isn’t nervous at all going to panel, since she can dance and act. Umm, she couldn’t even dance by herself against a pole for five seconds! Ambreal says she’s nervous because she shouldn’t be there. Now that’s a legitimate reason to be nervous if I’ve ever heard one! Off they go!

Tyra greets the girls as usual, and tells them of the prizes. She introduces the judges as well, including video director Jessy Terrero. Ms. J. has on the biggest afro ever. He’s such a queen – I love it! Tyra tells the judges about the video, and that they will be shown clips tonight on how the girls did. Lisa is up first, and Nigel is feeling it. Ms. J. seems quite pleased as well. At this point, I just realize that Jay Manuel wasn’t on the show this week, and that makes me happy.

Ambreal is shown next and she does the wall slide. Of course, Ms. J. can’t resist a “heeey, girl!” Tyra thinks it’s “hoochie” and not very model like. This is so ridiculous. She did exactly what Tyra told her to do! Saleisha and Sarah are next and Tyra comments that Saleisha was very high-fashion and not “the girl next door” at all. Sarah says that she loved it, even though she held her face when it was shown. The judges bring up her losing weight again, and comment that she was brought on because of her proportion, which she is losing. Speaking of losing, I’m losing my mind every time they bring up Sarah’s weight.

Heather and Jenah are next. Heather does her thing as normal and the judges love her to death. She can do no wrong. Jenah had a smile on her face that didn’t look evil at all, so the judges are actually a little disappointed with her. Next is Chantal, and her film is terrible. Tyra says she was holding back, and all the judges agree. Bianca does her chain thing and the judges love her cool confidence. I think that’s actually cockiness. They should look closer.

Now it’s time for deliberations. Here’s what the judges have to say:

Lisa is fine this week, we know that. The camera loves her and Tyra thinks that even though she was one of the weaker girls during training, she really popped on screen.

Ambreal has no magic to Twiggy, so I guess that she’s the next TT, which is now short for Twiggy Target. Jessy says that he didn’t think she was hoochie at all, and that she fit the part perfectly.

Heather was a little off this week, but still stepped it up a little more than they thought she would. She’s awkward, but Tyra says she can fix that.

Saleisha looked great in the face. She worked it out, and all the judges are pleased.

Sarah isn’t improving to Ms. J. Nigel thinks that her pictures are good, but there’s really no leap. Ms. J. makes the dumbest comment of the night by saying he’s not sure if she was ever plus-sized to begin with. Nigel adds that he thinks it’s different when you claim to be plus-sized and you aren’t. Did she ever “claim” that?

Chantal was stiff. Tyra thinks that she was nervous, but adds that any director would have cut her right out of the video if she performed the way she did on that shoot.

Bianca wasn’t very fluid to Tyra, but Jessy says that she had a very bad-ass quality about her that he really liked. That’s because she is bad-ass in real life!

The girls come back in and Tyra tells them she only has seven photos. The first name called is Lisa. She’s followed by Heather, Saleisha, Bianca, and Ambreal, who is surprised that her name is called. Tyra commends her, but tells her to remember what she learns and use it. Jenah is called next, and Tyra tells her that she has been working hard since the beginning, and is normally always called near the top. She was given some critique this week, though, and fell apart. This is a wakeup call that she needs to work just as hard.

Sarah and Chantal step forward. Tyra tells them that neither are at the top of the pack. Sarah is coasting and doing well, but her place in the industry is confusing. Chantal is beautiful but coasting as well. Tyra adds that her performance in the video this week was a waste of film. The final photo goes to… Chantal! Sarah is immediately on the verge of a breakdown. Tyra tells Chantal not to lose her shine, then begins to console Sarah and tell her that she had an amazing transformation. She hugs the other girls and leaves the room. Everyone is genuinely upset and crying. I’m simply pissed off.

Sarah packs her bag back at the house and says she really wanted this. She’s glad she was chosen, but wishes she could have hung around for more. I’m so irritated that the reason they eliminated Sarah was because she was “losing weight.” I’ve seen some dumb reasons since this show began when it came to getting rid of girls, but this has to be the idiotic ever.

Next week, Heather reaches a breaking point and finally confronts Bianca. I’m already foaming at the mouth. Also, the girls get stranded in the desert. Maybe they’ll bury Bianca and Chantal in the sand! Here’s how I’m ranking the girls for next week:

Lisa

Heather

Bianca

Jenah

Saleisha

Ambreal

Chantal

Phil Kural is an office manager at a dental office, and graduated from Temple University with a degree in journalism. You can send feedback to him at pkural@gmail.com.

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