American Idol 4, May 25: Over and Out

Here it is folks, the end of another trippy trip we call American Idol. Can I admit I’m glad this season is over? Can I admit that I’m not as excited by either Carrie or Bo as a lot of you? Don’t get me wrong, they are both fantastic talents with amazing futures in front of them. This year, I just wasn’t as emotionally invested. No one grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and demanded my attention somehow. That’s my problem. On with the show.

Ryan in a spotlight, welcomes us. He tells us we name a winner tonight! We get a medley of ‘60s hits, featuring an ill-advised falsetto on "Barbara Ann" from Scott Savol, Mikalah Gordon, and Lindsey Cardinale give us a couple of clankers to start "In My Room" and Jessica Sierra saves us by actually being on pitch. Anwar has new hair! He looks like Lenny Kravtiz!

Ryan tells us there is a red carpet, and for reasons unknown to anyone with active neurons, Mikalah Gordon is the correspondent out there. Ugh. Mikalah asks the crowd who they think is going to win. They say Bo. Mikalah feigns that they didn’t have say her, that was so nice of them. Ugh. Mikalah asks Kirstie the same question, and before Kirstie can answer, Mikalah tells her she doesn’t have to say Mikalah. Kirstie seems like she really wants to answer. Okay, Mikalah is officially annoying. She makes faces with Constantine, schmoozes with Paula, snubs Simon. Marg Helgenberger (probably warned by Kirstie) quickly answers that she wants Bo to win. Mikalah seems lost without her schtick, adding feebly, "Bo is a rawk starrrr." Insightful. Mikalah greets an arriving Carrie and Bo with "fabulous." I’m sick of that word now.

Ryan tells us "the story of American Idol, season four." Let’s see if we get the whole story. Lots of bad audition footage, Mary Roach, then on to the Hollywood rounds. Through the eliminations and on to the final two. Yep, not the whole story!

Ryan joins a sunglassed Bo in his dressing room, who gets some well wishes from home. Latoya London, with a tiara and boa on, since she’s being treated "like southern royalty," presents a representative who decrees it Bo Bice Day. Latoya is screaming into the microphone! Stop it! Bo is sent on to the stage, and Ryan confides he has the same outfit as Latoya at home. I say nothing.

Bo performs "Vehicle" once again, and like I said last night, he pretty much owns it. The Ides of March didn’t do much to keep it. Fair bet that song will be on Bo’s album.

Ryan joins Carrie in her dressing room. She admits she’s anxious. Lots of love from home! Matt Rogers joins Oklahoma First Lady Kim Henry to pay homage to Carrie. Kim is sure that Carrie will win, and promises to get freaky with Matt Rogers when she does. Ryan is aghast. So am I. Matt is so tan, he was orange! Miss that guy!

Carrie sings "Angels Brought Me Here" again (got a few emails from folks who pointed out Guy Sebastian performed this song on American Idol when he was the Australian Idol – good ears, folks! That said, it’s not really an "original" song, now is it?), and somehow, it’s better without the background singers. Carrie sounds incredible. Funny what happens when you don’t have to worry about what Simon is gonna say. Oh great, here are the background singers. Still, it’s a good performance.

Ryan joins Randy in his dressing room. Randy is wearing blinding white shoes, with pink shoe laces. It’s not Memorial Day yet! Randy says, ahem, looking back, he thinks Carrie may actually win tonight. (Oh gawd!) He says he’s never seen her connect to a song like she did "Angels Brought Me Here" last night. (While that may be true, is that a reason to award a whole contest?)

We get a montage of Paula being crazy, and then Ryan is in Paula’s dressing room. She says Simon grows on her like a fungus. And, that folks was an utter waste of 12 minutes. Now a montage of Ford commercials.

Ryan joins Simon in his dressing room. Ryan asks Simon at what point did Simon begin to grow this season. Simon deadpans that many are saying it’s his best season yet. Lots of references to the little people, including Ryan. Simon says Bo was the most uncomfortable he’s seen, Carrie handled it better, and he still thinks she will win. Simon suggest Matt Rogers be brought back as a joint host. Ryan suggests they bring back guest judges.

They go to Latoya London, and Simon mumbles he thinks she’s drunk. Then confirms she’s drunk. Latoya London says someone has a question. A youngster asks Simon, "Why you use reverse sah-cology on Bo!" Simon says he doesn’t, but the Alabama crowd is chanting, and Latoya is drunk, and the segment is going to hell. The kid asks again, and Simon yells he heard it the first time. They go to Oklahoma and Matt Rogers again, Ryan pleads for Matt to save them. Matt introduces themselves to Pawpaw, Carrie’s oldest fan, and then her youngest, a puppy. Ryan says Simon’s segment is the worst on the show. Simon tells Matt he hopes to see him next year.

Ryan takes us to the three most emotional moments on the show.

3. Regina Brooks who pawned her wedding rings afford the trip to audition. She went on to Hollywood, but no further.

2. Mark Scroggins (unseen footage) who went all Gus Frerotte on all wall. He did not go to Hollywood, but let’s hope he got help.

1. Mrs. Clark. Her son (not Corey) got invited to Hollywood, and she went on to have a great big fit! Can’t even describe it. She was happy, but she was just in tatters.

Ryan says seriously, back by popular demand, is Leandra Jackson, with the national anthem. We are revisited with this excruciating and tuneless rendition that never fails to make me bust a gut. Leandra discovered six or seven new keys never before sung on purpose. We see her audition clip, or one of them, and the set opens and there is Leandra live in the flesh. She’s still sounds like sheep in traction, but the crowd is cheering her on. Time for the money note, and she does this soaring thing that sounds kind of like the plane crashing on Lost. Even the judges give her a standing ovation. Leandra is eating it up, she’s just beaming.

Ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa-ooh!

Now the show is starting, I guess. (Was the last hour just a dream? Is Bobby Ewing in the shower?)

Singing "Up Where We Belong" is Carrie and Bo. Nicely sung. Ryan tells them he has a surprise for and fishes a pair of car keys from his pocket. Carrie quickly snatches them from his hand. Ryan takes one back with a quick glare. He tells them they each get one of the two snazzy red convertibles on the big screen. I’m sure Ryan was supposed to tell us what kind of cars they were, but he never did.

A quick retrospective of Carrie and Bo’s journey. They both say they have fond memories of being on the show.

Then Ryan escorts us into the 10 worst auditions of the season:

10. Creepy Darren who looked like he came from a Rocky Horror casting sounded like he was in intense pain. Creepy-scary-fascinating.

9. Derek Braxton, the alleged cousin of Toni Braxton, who may have actually been the offspring of Elvis and a goat.

8. Jason Smith, also known as Mr. 5.9%. Since he sang in four (bad) voices, he’s also 7, 6, and 5 in the countdown.

4. Robert Solomon who sang "Dancing In The Street" like he was stuck in the midst of puberty.

3. Bobbi May, psychic extraordinaire, who tunelessly slaughtered Elvis.

2. Maurice Thomas, a would-be Brian McKnight, who made Paula take some coke (soda) through the nose.

1. Leroy Wells, Dr. Crunkenstein himself. A little ODB, and next thing you know, Idol gets crunk. I’d be surprised if Lil’ Jon hasn’t called him yet.

Austin, Denver, Memphis, Boston, Atlanta, San Diego, and Chicago, Idol will be coming your way this year for auditions. Start rehearsing! Right now!

Then, we visit with Adam and Dirk. You know the story. Well, Adam and Dirk are at the finale, just not the way they wanted to be. Dirk is told there is an empty seat next to him. Guess who’s filling it? David Hasselhoff??? He had time in his busy schedule? Just kidding. Cool gesture. After all, Dirk is probably the ONLY person to sing "Current of Love" at an Idol audition!

Then Idol finally fires back at Primetime Live with their own shocking expose that Simon is getting help with his judging. Hosted by Steve Edwards (from the mercifully cancelled Good Day Live) Randy is allegedly recording a single called "Dawgtics." Randy also does a good imitation of Corey Clark! Then we learn that Simon’s secret love bought him clothes at Too Tight Tees. Then Randy takes Steve where it took place with Dawgtics playing on the radio. Constantine makes a guest appearance as a restaurant owner. Then, Paula says she felt rejected by Simon with this new love in his life. So does Ryan. Randy flashes a t-shirt that says "Buy My Book." Then, Randy’s parents are shown. Struck with emotion. No, not about the allegations, by the song. "It’s just awful!" says Randy’s daddy. We learn that Simon’s mysterious love is... Simon.

Carrie performs "God Bless the Broken Road" with Rascal Flatts, and it is amazing. Next, Anthony and Anwar perform "I Believe I Can Fly" with Kenny G. It is quite beautiful! Constantine, Jessica, and Nadia perform "Walk This Way" with Kenny Wayne Shepherd. Constantine screeches a lot, Jessica shows some rock chops I didn’t expect, and Nadia shines like the star she is. That was fun!

Next, Scott and Nikko perform "On Broadway" with George Benson. Scott grew his hair out and killed the silly facial hair. Nicely done. Billy Preston and Vonzell threaten to steal the show with "With You I’m Born Again." Babyface joins Mikalah and Lindsey with "Everytime I Close My Eyes." Nice treatment!

And finally, Bo Bice with Lynard Skynard. They were spectacular with "Sweet Home Alabama!"

Now, finally the results. Ryan says the winner will be getting their own Marquis Jet card with access to their own personal jet! Suh-weet! Final thoughts? Randy says good luck to both, they are both winners. Paula loves them both, made her job a pleasure, she’ll be the first to buy CDs and tickets. Simon echoes Randy and Paula, and thanks America for getting it right again. Ryan introduces Edward Boddington, prez of Telesco. Edward says a record was broken, 500 million votes cast this year alone.

Ryan tells us one of them is about to make television history. The winner is (no totals this year?) Carrie Underwood! Wow. Unbelieveable. I could find no one who was voting for Carrie. Wow. Carrie collapses in tears in Bo’s arms. Bo smiles graciously. He should, he’ll do fine.

Carrie balks at singing "Inside Your Heaven," but this is Idol, you gotta sing when you don’t wanna! So, she’s full of emotion, so it’s not fair to judge this.

I’m shocked. I cannot believe Bo didn’t win. Shocked. Well, I guess I’m 3 out 4. Why not? This whole season has been unpredictable! Good luck to both of them.

I’ll see you for Hit Me Baby 1 More Time!

Of course, this was not your last chance to see Carrie, Bo, or any of the Idols in action. The American Idol Live tour will be all over the country, and you can go see them in concert. Even if the show is sold out, you can still get them online right here!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for 16 years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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