Gene Simmons' Rock School, Episode 1: Dark Sarcasms in the Classroom

Rock School is a concept not completely new to the airwaves. In fact, I would suggest fans turn to the original Rockschool done for PBS/BBC back in the mid-1980s and hosted by Herbie Hancock for details on a program that tried to instruct kids in the ways of performing a variety of rock music (and, incidentally, also featured Motorhead). That is nothing like what this show is about however. It certainly doesn’t appear from the first episode that the teacher involved is interested in passing along musical tips to the children. Nor does it seem that the people behind-the-scenes were interested in seeing him do so. So Rockschool, this is not.

In fact, most people will be thinking of Jack Black’s School of Rock movie from a couple of years back when it comes to a rocker coming into a school and teaching the kids to become a rock and roll band. Oddly enough, if one would say that Rock School was a rip-off of Black’s movie, one could easily argue back that School of Rock was just a clichéd variation of many other “nogoodnik learning from the kids as he teaches them to be themselves” movies going back to The Music Man and beyond. So, let us just say that the concept may not be original, but it is hardly one to cry plagiarism at.

And what is this show about? Well, the opening of the first episode gives everything away actually (a rather common and irritating problem of most reality shows lately). The idea is that Gene Simmons, one of the founders of the rock band KISS, will be going into an English boarding school and working with ten teenagers (all about 13 years old) in order to create a band that can perform rock music in front of a Motorhead audience in six weeks. Most of what is to occur is given away in the opening segment of the program, so you could comfortably come back in a few weeks for the finale, see how they did, and be done with it. That’s not the kids’ or Gene’s fault, that’s a problem you can blame on the producers and editors (and, as I said, one that you can lay at the feet of most reality shows these days).

Incidentally, if you REALLY want to have the show spoiled, you could always pop over to this site to see a review of the November 27, 2004 Motorhead show, how the kids did, who made it to the final version of the band, responses from the kids who made it, and pictures of the band in action as well. So avoid it if you want to play out the show in “real time.” You may also want to avoid this article, as it has interviews with the children after the show had finished filming where they gave their opinions of their teacher. I mention all this as I’m surprised how easily information got out on the outcome of the show, something you typically do not see with reality programming. Channel 4, who created the show, may feel that the program is more in line with documentary-type programming, however, and thus felt there was no need to hide “big surprises” that come up along the way.

After the opening, we see that the school Gene is going to is a Bluecoat School called Christ’s Hospital Boarding School is Horsham, West Sussex, south of Loudon. If you came into the show and wondered why everyone looked like a Thanksgiving version of Neo from The Matrix, you can find out more details about Bluecoat School here: www.archivist.f2s.com/bsu/Blcoat.htm. Christ’s Hospital is one of the few Bluecoat Schools to carry on the tradition of the long dresscoats for the students at all times, incidentally. There’s also a long history to the school, which can be found on their website (www.christs-hospital.org.uk/) and the school is primarily for children in social or financial needs. Thus, one should not assume that these kids are some type of upper-class snobs; nor should it be assumed that these children would only know about classical music and nothing else. It is quite clear from a review of the website that the school has a vast musical curriculum involving a variety of music, including jazz and musical-variety. Of course, going into all that on the program would have gotten viewers away from the stereotype we’re supposed to have of the kids, no doubt.

Gene arrived in typical style – in a stretch limo with two anonymous blondes in the back with him. In setting up the show, Gene jokes about turning the little angelic children into rock and roll demons and attempts to do an eye-rolling stunt he has done for years. He can’t quite pull it off from the angle he is at and with the DeForrest Kelly bags under his eyes. We all get older, though.

At the school, the Deputy Head, Mary Ireland, talks about how incredibly exciting the opportunity would be for the kids to have Simmons come in to teach them. As for the children, we only get to hear from three of them and all admit they’re not really into rock music at all, so they don’t know what to expect. The show’s narrator, Dee Snider - former lead singer of Twisted Sister and a man who at one time had a bit of a running feud going with KISS – tells us that the final exam for the teenagers will be opening for Motorhead. He states that they do not know that yet, only that they will be performing in front of an audience at some time in the future.

When the limo pulls up, the school’s band is at attention outside and Gene walks through the band and out in front. Although it is quite clear that he was going for the photo-op in striking a pose, Ireland sees his strut through the band as being that of a troublemaker. She also feels that Gene looked “almost like a caricature of a rock star.” Actually a bit perceptive, as Gene does have a tendency to exaggerate the rock star look to the point of silly pomposity.

Gene’s “too cool for school” stance is interrupted when Ireland comes up to greet him and introduce him to Peter Southern, the Head Master of the school. Gene is respectful – a trait that some viewers may find to be surprisingly common of Simmons – and shakes hands with the man. Southern is delighted to see him, although he admits in a later interview that he has no idea who Gene is other than a popular rock musician.

If the people and children in charge are not sure who Gene is, one thing that does help Gene get the job of teaching to children is that he has had prior experience in the field. Studying to be a teacher while working to put together the band that evolved from an entity called Wicked Lester to one that would become KISS, Gene eventually taught the sixth grade at P.S. 75 in Spanish Harlem (as Gene relates in the program). Gene states in the show that after six months, KISS took off and he had to put teaching aside, but that is not quite the full case.

Gene discovered that the kids he had were not the happy, bubbling children that one would dream for when studying to be a teacher (“I wanted to kill those kids,” Gene once quipped in an interview), nor were they fascinated by every word he spoke. Moreso, he had gotten into trouble with the school when he passed out Spider-Man comics to the kids to use as English homework. His position was that the kids would at least be reading something and one must remember that Marvel Comics did strive to write material that high school and college students would be interested in reading, so the word usage in the comics were not simple “bams” and “whams.” Still, it got him into trouble and the frustration continued until he decided to move on to move on to other goals. Doing so, he spent months working as an editorial assistant as some glamour magazines before KISS really began to take off, so to say he left due to KISS is not completely accurate. Even so, he did give it up and as Gene states, he always had a gnawing sensation in the back of his mind where he wondered if he was any good at it.

Heading into the small classroom where the ten boys and girls wait, Gene slams doors on his way, arriving to stare at the children for a moment before shouting “OH, YEAH!” at them. Getting them to laugh in nervous excitement, the kids are still unsure of what to think of him. In after-school interviews with two of the girls, Fiona and Carmella, they admit that they still didn’t know who Gene was.

After his introduction to the kids, he asks them to play some music for him. As the kids talk about the numerous instruments they can play, we are shown them doing wonderfully on their stronghold instruments as Gene watches in interest. After the final recital, Gene compliments them all, but then tells them that it is not what he is looking for. He goes on to tell them that in rock music, “You don’t have to necessarily play your instrument very well at all.”

As Gene continues to explain why musical ability is not a key to being a rock star, the camera cuts to Carmella who looks at Gene like he’s just – to put it bluntly – blowing it out his ass. Kids are perceptive that way. Sorry, bad joke. Actually, Gene does have a point, but it’s one that any musical teacher worth their salt would say: perfection in musical technique is not the key to being a good musician. One has to have the passion and drive to put themselves into the music and have that show to the audience. If one just wants to hear notes coming out in the right order on a piano, one can get a player-piano; of one wants to hear the song as it is intended, then you have to have a person breathe life into the notes.

Okay, so maybe I’m full of crap too.

The teenagers are asked what they think of Gene. Kwane finds him intimidating. Lucian believes he is arrogant. Fiona thinks he is scary and doesn’t like him at all, but she has a good reason: in talking to the kids at one point, Gene grabs Fiona by the shoulders to make a point. He then grabs her again, but unintentionally a little lower, giving the look of trying to cop a feel. I really do not believe that was his intention, but that would startle any thirteen-year-old girl when a nearly sixty-year-old man rushes to put his hands on her body.

Moving further on the topic of looks over substance, Gene has the kids enter the room attempting to be cool. With their musical/theater background, all the kids do so without any problems, although Jesse (a girl in the back) realizes that by putting her feet up on her desk she is allowing everyone to see up her dress. Gene and the others good-naturedly laugh. Names are then picked to replace their Christian names in order to be cooler. Most of the kids pick rather pedestrian name, but a smaller boy at the front of the class named Josh picks Emperor as his name. Gene delights at the gusto the boy has in picking a name like that out of the blue, and one has to admit that it does give off a stronger image than Dudders or Bagpuss does (although Bagpuss does sound like someone who would open for Motorhead… or even be in the band). Gene takes a shine to the awkward kid after that.

Gene tells the kids that their first step is to find a lead singer for their band. He has everyone sing for the role and Carmella is terrified at the thought of being made the lead singer. Rodney, or Rods as Gene wants him to be called now, thinks he’ll get it because he’s in the choirs and loves singing. Emperor isn’t sure of himself and sings like he just jumped out of an old Our Gang comedy. Oddly enough, he looks like he could be Rob Halford’s kid at the same time. Highly unlikely, sure, but one never knows.

Some of the other kids are shown laughing as Emperor continues with his song, which Gene picks up on. He senses that Emperor is the outcast of the group and Jesse agrees in an interview. Later, Josh/Emperor tells the camera that he can speak Elvish and demonstrates.

Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. He’s the outcast.

Which probably goes over well with Gene. Although he may appear to be this quintessential rock star now, Gene grew up as the outcast himself, arriving as an immigrant to the U.S. at the age of nine and being involved in comic books (he has stated more than once that he learned to read English from the comics), science fiction, and fantasy as a kid. He even did his own fanzines growing up. So Josh speaking Elvish? It probably reminded Gene of himself in some ways.

Back in the classroom, Gene gives the kids posters of rock stars to hang up. The one of KISS is not hung well (no pun intended), but Gene points to it and asks the kids what they see. Someone states that they see individuals. Gene smiles proudly at that comment, as it had been one of the first things that Gene and the others in KISS wanted the band to be – four individuals within a group, like the Beatles. Gene asks if they look cool. The kids agree. Gene goes on to state that “rock is not about all being alike. Rock is about finding who you are.”

For homework, Gene gives the kids CD players and two CDs to listen to. They’re compilations put together and I hope Gene got permission from all the artists involved before he burned these CDs for them or else he may get in serous legal trouble (heh, little joke for KISS fans in the know there). The two CDs are broken down by grouping in years: one for 1954 through 1973 and the other for 1973 through 2001. As one would expect, a KISS song appears (“Rock and Roll All Nite”), as well as a Motorhead one (“Ace of Spades”). “Rapture” by Blondie appears to be an odd choice, as “Heart of Glass” or “Call Me” would have probably been a better choice from the band. Little is really shown of Punk beyond “Anarchy in the UK,” grunge, country-rock, or other off-shoots, and surprisingly, no Beatles from what one could see. Still, one could ponder the choices made forever when it comes to putting together compilations like this.

Gene asks the teenagers if they know what his favorite rock title is. It should be noted that he doesn’t say “favorite rock song,” just favorite rock title. He then puts on “We Will Rock You” by Queen. Not a bad choice to start off for the group – it’s not only a popular song still remembered by many, but starts off with a stomp/clap rhythm that nearly everyone can get into. The kids certainly do, as they begin to pound on their desks and clap. All except Carmella, that is, who practically rolls her eyes before joining in and then finally giving up while nearby Gene dances a jig like a jittery old prospector finding gold in them thar hills.

Little rebel here, it seems. I like Carmella, as she shows the proper rock and roll attitude by not wanting to listen to teacher. You show ‘em you don’t need no though-control, Carmella! You won’t be pressured by the MAN!

Uh. Getting back to the show …

As Gene is getting the kids to act out more, Mary Ireland comes back and looks in through the door. She is not happy and gathers the students around her as she turns the screws on Gene. Oooh. I saw this in Kindergarten Cop. This will be good. Actually, it doesn’t amount to much beyond Ireland telling the camera later that she is going to keep an eye on Gene’s work with the kids because “the welfare of the children comes first.” Now that may seem stick-in-the-mud, but one has to keep in mind that the school agreed to the show when they believed that Gene would be teaching the children on “writing, recording and performing music. They will learn about everything from stage design and lighting to styling and managing the group.” All Ireland has seen from Gene so far is teaching the kids to play air-guitar. No wonder they’re a bit upset, even if it is just Gene’s way of introducing the kids to be more spontaneous and creative.

Since the students really don’t know who Gene is, they are shown a VH-1 documentary about the band. They seem to come away with three things learned: one, that KISS was a much bigger band than they realized; two, that Gene has slept with an impossible number of women; and, three, that he’s still “a weirdo.”

Kids are perceptive that way. Okay, okay, enough of that joke.

In the main hall, Gene gathers the students in order to figure out who would be the lead singer. To do this, as Dee Snider tells us, he performs “a KISS classic” for the group. The song is “God Gave Rock and Roll to You,” which was a British Top 20s hit back in 1974… for Argent, not for KISS. KISS redid the song for the Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey movie soundtrack in the late 1980s and even performed it on tour at one point, but it was never a “KISS classic.” Still, it has some nice harmonies in it and probably a safe bet for the kids, especially with Ireland watching in the corner. Gene probably would have found “Christine Sixteen” a bad choice there.

The kids stand at the microphone and sing fine, some better than others, with the exception of Emperor, who isn’t very good but jumps around and acts out the song. Later, in the classroom, Gene wants to know who the kids think should be the lead singer. They all agree it should be Rodney. He’s the most professional of the group and they think he has the best voice. Gene disagrees and makes Josh/Emperor the lead singer. Because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what the kids want by expressing their individuality and creativity in putting together a band for themselves; the only thing that matters is what teacher wants and that’s the final word. Nice lesson for the kids, Gene.

Gene tells Rodney that he may be the best singer, but “rock is about attitudes and never about the best singer.” I disagree with him on that point in a variety of cases, but once again, his forethought is on image instead of performance, so that’s just a different slant on the same issue really.

After the decision is made, Dudders is upset because Emperor can’t sing. Rodney is ticked because he knows he is the best singer of the group. Kwane feels that the band won’t be taken seriously because no one takes Josh seriously, while Gene sees it as the loser winning because, as he sees it, people in rock music are all losers who couldn’t find anything else in life to do. Meanwhile, Josh is happy because he will earn respect from the others. He ends the episode singing along to KISS’ “Crazy Crazy Nights,” hopping around as if he were the coolest lead singer in the world.

So far the series isn’t as bad as one would have anticipated coming from Simmons. He has a knack for going at projects half-speed once he has to really jump into them, but so far he appears to be very interested in working with the students and trying to give them something in return that they can learn from. It’s not perfect – Gene has an attitude about music that stems from a class-clown attitude of the more attention one gets the better you are no matter what you do – but there’s some hope for the kids as they seem to be interested in wanting to pull it off. Will the serious nature of the children wanting to do well rub off on Gene, or will the control Gene wants to assert push the kids away? Time will tell.

Next week, Gene gets called out by the students on the women he has slept with, while the kids try to figure out what instruments they will play in the band and who will end up getting cut eventually from the group as they get closer to their performance date. Until then, as Cub Koda always said, see you at the record bins.

You can e-mail Dale about this column or his other projects at justabob@iglou.com. You can also click here to buy his book, The Urban Legends of Rock and Roll: You Never Can Tell, or any of his other books, including Black Diamond, his unauthoried biography of KISS. Dale also writes weekly recaps for the Ohio Valley Wrestling shows at their official website.

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