An "Insider" Look at Survivor: Cook Islands, Episode 3: You're Breakin' My Heart

To say that I’m not enthusiastic about this season would be a wild understatement. This has been an excruciatingly bad few weeks, and anyone who has been reading me for any length of time knows I’m going to blame it squarely on the casting. Looking for races instead of personalities has doomed this season to the also-ran bin.

And for what? A couple days of publicity and some upset sponsors? Do you honestly think that people WOULDN’T have talked about Survivor had it not been for the racial divide? Of course not. They’re either getting lazy about their twists, or they’re panicking over the declining ratings – after thirteen seasons. Who among us didn’t think that the tribes would merge after a couple of episodes? Honestly, was the publicity really that worth it? Someone in marketing explain it to me, please.

A few months ago, I wrote an article about how to freshen up American Idol. I’m not going to get into that amount of detail, but here are a few ideas, off the top of my head, that are infinitely better than the twists they’ve had lately:

• Take a page out of Lost - bring in two tribes, competing separately, each one thinking they’re the only tribe in the game. Or have a small tribe of “others” playing the game separately, and instead of a merge, insert them in. You could create an outcast tribe of those voted off, whose sole mission is to beat the Survivors and keep them from getting reward or immunity. This “extra tribe” scenario, in my mind, offers limitless possibilities
• Have one large tribe from the beginning, all individual challenges. I’ve been screaming for this forever, and I suppose I’ll just have to keep screaming.
• Like Amazing Race, mix up the eliminations. Do a challenge – say, a run through a deep mud pit – where the last man and last women are banished. And allow physical contact.

Again, just a couple off the top of my head. I’m sure the readers can come up with some as well, right?

Cecilia’s Final Words: I must say that I’m very disappointed that more people didn’t make the obvious musical reference. I guess I’m just getting old. She did crazy things that she never thought she’d do and never will do again. But she has no regrets, she had a great time. She hopes J.P. or Cristina or Ozzy win, they deserve it.

The vote is a testament to how quickly the vote can change. Four hours ago, they had a consensus on who was going home, now she’s going home. The tribe dynamics were good, so she thinks her leaving will weaken the tribe.

Cecilia, the Day After: She feels there is a lot more that she could have helped her tribe with. This is quite annoying, as she talks like the snotty cousin chick on Fresh Prince. What? My stepkids watch it constantly, all right? Sheesh. May I continue? Thanks.

They made a mistake in voting her off, not just in terms of strength, but for smarts and strategy as well. She tried to play with integrity. To vote someone (her) out just to go a little farther, she would have kept her word. Okay. She’s not upset, it was a game.

After the tribes merged, the whole dynamic changed. Thank you Captain Obvious! This was a very weird edit, as this sentence seemed stuck in out of nowhere. She says that the strength wasn’t as evenly distributed among the tribes anymore.

She goes on more about character, and I’m zoning out. Suffice to say that she blames her exit on people being liars and obviously she would never do that. Cristina had great character, apparently.

Her best time was the first five or six days when they had to build their home. It was before the strategy of the game came into play. She was surprised at how much she was able to bond with others. There are a few people who will become close friends. She may come off as nice and sweet on the island (BWAAAH!) but she’s really bitchy. That didn’t surface. Sure.

She was proud that she was able to be human and show emotion. She lives her life in a shell sometimes. This woman is making no sense. Maybe she’s too preoccupied with swatting the insect around her head to form a coherent thought?

Oh, in case you forgot, she won’t take things for granted. I was getting worried there. She’ll remember the people. She proved that she is able to adjust and adapt.

Yul Interview on Exile Island: He’s debating on whether or not to tell people that he’s found the idol (which, in case you couldn’t see it on the show, looks like an old compass). He’s inclined to tell Brad and Becky, but it might be a huge mistake. Lying is not ideal at this point either, as he wants to play with integrity.

The First Merge: Nyargh. Enough said.

Steeple Chase: Steeple chase? Isn’t that the horse race with huge jumps? What the hell does that have to do with anything? In any case, a return of a great challenge, but due to, well, lack of competitiveness I suppose (see above) it flopped.

Parvati Interview: Do you think she hates J.K. Rowling in the same sense that the geek in Office Space hated Michael Bolton? In any case, she’s pretty hot, but the combination of her voice and her bitchy demeanor makes me want to strand her on Exile Island, permanently.

She loves the tribe. I care. Everyone is really cool, everyone has something unique to add, plus the tribes are really strong. She decided to get close to Nate. She’s a flirty girl and guys respond to that. If I thought the editing above was odd, she can’t go two sentences without getting edited!

Brad is really funny, so she’s had a lot of conversations with him. They both like to shop and talk about clothes. She has a lot of gay guy friends. She’s a fag hag? She knows how to work gay guys as well. She’s got a lot of tricks up her sleeve, she’s not just limiting herself to heterosexual men. Ugh, someone hit her with a shovel, please?

She doesn’t want to look like a manipulator… yet. Too late. They sent Candice because she would be safe, and she looked like the weakest link because she’s so scrawny. Kettle, meet pot. She says some of the women there are muscular. She’s glad they saved her. But she’s worried about her on Exile Island. She’s not sure if she can survive. But she’ll be fine, she’s a nature girl, she can build a fire. Condescend much?

Is there anyone left on this show I don’t hate?

Candice on Exile Island: Well, Candice is really hot, so we’ll see. She’s a little tired and thirsty. No one ever wants to be on Exile Island, but she’d rather be there than at Tribal Council. She’s really glad they sent her. She thinks her friends there were looking out for her. Yikes.

Her tribe is a lot younger, and she’s the youngest person. She was feeling a little out of the loop on her old tribe, so she’s glad they saved her. She’s not sure if she trusts her new tribe.

It feels really good to know that she still has friends there. She misses her best friends in the game, Parvati and Adam. Whoops. She felt like an outsider in her new tribe, she can’t wait to get back to her friends.

Her strategy is to keep her mouth shut and pull her weight, not to be an obvious threat. It’s easier when there are nine people, since other people tend to jump on jobs. She’ll lay low until she finds out who she can trust (the answer is, of course, NO ONE). Hopefully when she comes back they’ll still have the five on her side, and either Cecilia or Ozzy will go.

The worst thing that could happen is if Becky were voted out. If Jonathan were voted out, she and Jonathan supposedly have an alliance, but in her gut she doesn’t trust him. Becky is in control, doing most of the talking for the group. She connected with Yul, and Candice and Becky were drawn together. Becky is probably most solid for Candice, because Becky knows they’re together.

Becky Interview: Her first thought after the merge was to try to figure out who she could trust. She knew that Ozzy and Cecilia would be tight, and her first instinct was to trust Yul and Cao Boi. Then she was talking with Candice and found out that she was close to Jon. With her being close to Yul, they knew they had a solid four.

The other tribe does have a lot of brawn. They tried to compare the other tribe’s members to their tribe. They thought they could match up well.

They wanted to break up Ozzy and Cecilia, as they had a tight bond, and as a numbers thing. They wanted to cut down the Latino tribe’s numbers for the merge. Her alliance is looking at Cecilia, because she’s the leader and Ozzy is good at catching fish. Ozzy is pretty athletic and decisive, she likes that about him.

She hopes, obviously, that she doesn’t go home, but it’ll be interesting to see how many vote for Cecilia. She wonders if her name comes up, will Yul step up and save her? She questions using the idol this early in the game. She doesn’t give up, she’s going to fight as long as she can.

Tribal Council Votes: Did they do the right thing? Eh, who cares! An annoying person is gone, so huzzah.

Yul votes for Cecilia: “I’m really sorry to be sending you home. You seem like a wonderful person, I just haven’t gotten the chance to know you very well in the last 24 hours. The vote was either going to you or Becky, and between the two of you, my loyalty is to Becky because I’ve known her for longer and obviously we have a strong friendship and alliance.”

Cecilia votes for Becky: “Nothing personal, I think you’re amazing, and mumble.” After last week, I’m not bothering.

Sundra votes for Becky: “I’m only writing your name down because I know you’re not going home tonight.” Okay?

Becky votes for Cecilia: “Nothing personal, I’m just doing this as far as strategy to move forward in this game.”

Ozzy votes for Becky, after a long pause and resignation: “You haven’t made any effort to try to connect with me or get to know me.”

Cao Boi votes for Cecilia: “I’m sorry, but there’s a bigger picture, and we’re all in danger from the schemer. You’re the first sacrifice. Hopefully from here on, we can defeat the schemer and the good people may have a chance to play this game longer.”

Jonathan votes for Cecilia: “You’re a very classy lady, this is nothing personal. It’s just strategy.”

Jessica poutingly votes for Cecilia, and whispers how she’s sorry she has to vote for her like she’s exchanging spy codes or something.

And that seems like an appropriate way to end my tenure on the Survivor Insider. End, you say? That’s right, starting next episode Teeuwynn Woodruff has graciously agreed to step in for me. This article just takes too much time, and I don’t have any time to spare, as it was taking away from my editing duties as well as my home life. Thanks to everyone who read and enjoyed them over the years, and feel free to email your twist ideas. If I get enough of them, I’ll put them in a column.

As a great man once said: Excelsior!

Mike DeGeorge is an Accountant from St. Louis and is also Associate Editor for RealityNewsOnline. You can reach Mike at rno.mike@gmail.com.

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